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Problems with my Partner

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Shadymist, Aug 11, 2015.

  1. Shadymist

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    My partner and I have been talking for about 8 months, and he has wanted to be exclusive with me for the whole time, while I am not ready to be exclusive. I've been seriously considering whether or not I want to be in a relationship right now, and several things have come up which I feel need to be addressed before I can be comfortable with a commitment.

    First off, it's important to note that I am not heterosexual, and I strongly prefer women. I'd say I prefer girls about 95-99% of the time. The word which most clearly describes how I feel would be homo romantic bisexual. I also identify as much more masculine than feminine, which is the main issue I feel with him. He is definitely a masculine guy, and he often asks me to dress more feminine for him. I like to please him, so I will sometimes dress differently for him, and be much more feminine. Usually, I wear clothing designed for guys. I shop in the boys and men's sections at stores most of the time, but occasionally wear women's clothes. To say the least, you would not typically describe me as feminine. I've explained to him in detail how I feel about women and dress, and he says he doesn't mind that I want to be more masculine, but that sometimes, such as when we go out, he'd like me to dress up more feminine.

    Here are a few other things that I've been frustrated with:

    *He smokes, which I don't like at all, but he says he is willing to stop for me.
    *He doesn't value keeping things organized or clean anywhere near as much as I do. He leaves clothes on the floor. Doesn't routinely disinfect bathroom, kitchen, etc. He doesn't routinely clean the house in general. I have a feeling this is because he was never taught how to growing up, or maybe it wasn't something his family put a lot of emphasis on. Anyway, it stresses me, because I like things to be clean and organized just to be comfortable enough to sit and enjoy my downtime. When it's messy, I feel the urge to get up and clean everything so that it's done and I can relax.
    *We argue often about differences, because we are definitely very different people, but we care about each other, so we keep trying to make it work.
    *He wants kids one day, and I have been very on the fence about it for years. For a long time, I said I never wanted kids, but recently I've been saying MAYBE one day, if it seems right and I'm ready. One time I asked him what he would do if I never wanted to have kids, and he got mad at me and said he would probably stop talking to me (which hurt to hear him say that).
    *I feel like he hasn't been taught a lot of stuff about general responsibilities of life, which I don't mind teaching him, I just wish he seemed more aware of what needs to be done and more proactive about it. He works a lot and making money is important to him, so that's not an issue, it's just other maintenancey things.
    *Sometimes I feel like he checks out and isn't paying as much attention to me as I want. I really need an intimate emotional connection with my partner, and it makes me feel disconnected from him when he does this. We physically spend a lot of time together, but don't have a whole lot of conversations about just random stuff. I'd like to talk about deeper things or just stupid stuff and laugh about it.
    *He gets frustrated a lot of times when I bring stuff up that bothers me, which makes me feel reluctant to be open with him. I let him know that too. I think he doesn't know how to communicate sometimes.

    The pro's:
    *He is very loyal. Despite our arguments and differences, he doesn't ever want to leave.
    *He's willing to adapt and make change for me. To a certain degree.
    *He's persistent.
    *Very devoted to family. I love the feeling of being able to be myself when visiting his family too. I don't sense judgement from them, which is something I've felt with my own family growing up.
    *Willing to apologize. He's apologized to me after arguments and when he feels he's been insensitive to me.

    My logic tells me one thing. My feelings tell me another. What do you guys say? Honesty, please.
     
  2. Nychthemeron

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    Honestly?

    Go with your feelings.

    This is a romantic relationship you're talking about here. I'd think logic would tie together with your emotions, and if there's not a connection, it's not going to work out in the long run.

    You have to love your partner completely and fully to have a happy relationship. He sounds like a really amazing guy, and I respect you both for trying to put aside your differences and make things work out. But these things are apart of you. Don't you think it would be much better if you didn't have to change? If you could be accepted by your partner without complaint, and vice versa?

    It's hard enough to find somebody, and while it's your choice on whether to continue this relationship or not, I personally would not settle for something that I feel like would not work out for me. Talk to him about all you've told us, if you haven't already. Be honest with him as well. You two sound like you're both capable of having such an emotion-heavy conversation, but only do this when you feel ready.

    If you already had this conversation, how did it go? What did he say, and how do you think he felt?

    I'm not telling you to break up with him. That's your choice and your choice only. If everybody who comments on this thread tells you to break up, you don't have to if you feel it would be better if you didn't.

    But what I am saying is, if this relationship is harming you more than it helps you, please consider looking elsewhere and perhaps just staying friends with him.
     
  3. Aspen

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    I say go with your feelings, but only if you're genuinely happy in this relationship.

    If this is something he's going to insist on, would you be happy doing it over the course of your entire relationship, however long that might be, unless he changes his mind? Are you sure that you're okay with the fact that you can't dress the way you feel most comfortable all the time?

    This doesn't sound like a mature response to what is an important question. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids or, alternatively, wanting to have kids.

    I don't think you should or should not say yes to an exclusive relationship with him. I think that's up to you, your head, and your heart. But I do think you need to be honest with yourself about what you want--from this guy, from a relationship in general, and from life--and then approach him with that in mind.

    Talk to him about the issues you have and if he gets frustrated or belittles your concerns, then perhaps he's not the right person for you.
     
  4. mapleluv

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    You sound a lot like me when I dated men. My relationships were a matter of pros & cons, checklists, & logic. Whether or not I chose to be with someone was based on the way they felt about & treated me & what they could do for me, not how I felt about them.

    The thing that helped me make the decision to leave my last major relationship with a man was that I had a moment where I realized that if I wasn't with him, I really could have it all. I could have a partner who took care of me & loved me & was my best friend and who I was equally crazy about (instead of just being kind of like "meh"). But if I stayed with him I would never have that. And he would never have a partner who really loved him, which made me realize that I was kind of using him.

    So I guess just take a moment to think about your ideal relationship- is what you have really what you want? Because to me it doesn't really sound like it.
     
  5. Shadymist

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    All of you guys have said really helpful things. I appreciate you all saying go with my gut. I'm trying, I just get emotional about it. When I'm alone, away from him, thinking about it, I feel like I can move on and be ok. But as soon as we're around each other again, it's like I forget everything that I just went over in my head and feel guilty/anxious about ending the relationship. He really loves me, and I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I know he deserves someone who is just as into him as he is into them, so I feel that is unfair to him, as well as myself, because I deserve the same.
    Sometimes I get angry that I can't connect to guys on a deeper emotional level, but it just points me back to the fact that I'm not straight, and I sharply veer towards women.

    Mapleluv, that's really interesting what you said about the checklists. I find myself making those often with men. With the woman I fell in love with a couple years ago, it was based off feelings much more.