Over the past couple months I have made a lot of progress personally with finally caving in and accepting that I am, for all intensive purposes, gay... At first it was almost a relief, a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I had a fresh perspective... now things feel like they are unraveling inside my head. The last three weeks or so have been hell really. I have a really great, close group of friends who I love with all my heart and I know they love me but none of them have a clue about my terrible secret. At first I thought that eventually I would come to them and tell them that I am into dudes, and I was confident that they would accept me. Thinking about things and observing from this new angle has however left me feeling petrified. I think before I accepted my orientation I was just oblivious to it but now I am noticing more and more that my friends and family frequently and consistantly say things about gay people in a negative way. It's not like they're extreme homophobes, but the way they speak indicates an attitude and opinion that being gay makes you some kind of lesser person. I'm not innocent in this either, being the coward I am I go along with what they say and contribute to the conversations to try and deflect any kind of suspicion away from me. As as result I am almost a nervous wreck. My anxiety is through the roof. I am grinding my teeth so much at night my jaw aches. I feel really down all the time and in despair. As each day goes on I am feeling more and more isolated and separated from my friends and family. Most of all what I feel is fear... I am so scared about what is going to happen when I eventually tell those I love that I'm not straight that they will leave me, or our relationships will irreversibly change. I have been having very dark thoughts lately. They sneak into my head many times a day... I don't feel like I am depressed but I have suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. Like it would just be easier if I left my life at this point, where everyone loved me and would remember me the way I am now, not the way they will look and think about me after I tell them the secret. On top of all this is the fact that my best friend who I am in love with has moved away for 6 months and I miss him desperately. I thought that him leaving would be a good thing, that I would hopefully get over him because he was so far away. My heart aches even more now that he is gone. I am going to see a psychologist within the next couple weeks but I feel like I am on an island all by myself and that somehow it's floating further and further out to sea every day....
First off, this isn't a "terrible secret", it just is what it is. A lot of people are unfortunately very casually homophobic but you may be very surprised by the reactions you get when you do come out to them. I know I was. people I fully expected to tell me they couldn't accept it turned out to be some of my staunchest supporters. So try not to despair over what you think they might say. As for the suicidal thoughts, I guarantee you everyone around you would rather have a gay friend/family member than a dead one. You're not by yourself, many people here have gone through exactly this and survived it and then flourished *hugs*
As FoxSong says: don't think of it as a "terrible secret". It's just something about you they never knew. So: remind yourself of one thing first and foremost: if I were to ask your friends what they like about you, what would they answer? "I like bounced because he's straight and totally dates girls?" No, of course not! They'd list things like "awesome to hang out with", or "Funny to talk with", or "always has an interesting opinion!". Being gay doesn't change that. And if you present it as "Just a thing I want you to know, because I trust you and you are my friend!", then most if not all will take it as an honour to be so trusted! This leads to another important point: there's no need for a coming-out to be a grandiose thing. You don't need to come out to all of them at once! Instead, it's often better to start by identifying one friend. Just one. Pick one who seems to avoid the homophobic jokes. Someone you know will be accepting, and who can keep a secret. Try to find (nay, make!) a moment when you're both alone and undisturbed. And then come out to that one friend. Just the one. Tell him/her about how you figured it out and want them to know! And ask them to be a confidant while you wok on coming out to others. And from there, focus on coming out one at a time. Do that until you have some people you can lean on. And only then plan to come out to the lot of them! (and EC will still be around when you're rady for that!) That's how I did it, at least. And I've had good results! By th time I ot to the "tougher" ones, I alreayd had told a lot of people who could add some social pressure. And even with the tougher ones, the homophobia only went skin deep. It wasn't homophobia so much as "har har, I'm one of the boys!". Above all: never give in to the dark thoughts. It's normal to worry about what could go wrong. I did so too, at first. But five years on, totally out, and with a rather lovely boyfriend, I can say my life is much better than it was in the closet. I got to keep everything I wanted, and ditched everything I did like! So: (*hug*)(*hug*) You can deal with this! And you'll come out all the better for it!
I'm sorry your feeling that way. I'm in a similar situation. It's really difficult dealing with all these feelings. I sure hope that your not seriously considering harming yourself in any way. As was posted above, I'm sure friends and family would sooner have you around even if you did come out. I wouldn't come out until your ready, no need to rush. Anyway, I hope that you feel better soon(*hug*)
