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Feelings for friend of same sex. What to do!?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ChazL, Aug 16, 2015.

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  1. ChazL

    ChazL
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    I'm 25 year old woman and I think I'm in love with my best friend (also a girl).
    I've always identified as straight, so is she. We live in a town with a very small gay community and everyone is very judgemental.
    We have been friends for about 6 years but in the last year my feeling have developed to the point where she's always on my mind. We talk all the time, see each other every week and have both told each other how important we are to one another but never in a romantic way. I want to say it but I'm so scared of her rejecting me. When we go out we don't look at guys and we tend to get drunk and hold hands or she'll stand right next to me touching me, making my feelings so much stronger. She tells me her mum thinks there's something going on between us. We laugh about it but I feel so awkward because I wish it was true.
    Recently she started talking to this guy she used to work with and I felt like my heart was breaking. I've never felt so terrible and we started having rows. A few weeks later they went on a night out with friends and she slept with him. When she told me I was devastated and couldn't hide it. She just kept saying 'well it's not like I've done anything to you, have I!?'
    After they slept together he disappeared and she was upset by this, saying she never pursued him and that her pride was hurt. That weekend we went to a friends party, she got drunk and kept touching me, walking along holding my hand. Totally confusing me! I'd tried to get some distance but she just drew me back in telling me that him disappearing was so small compared to how she missed me.
    This guys now reappeared a month after he stopped texting her and they're going on a similar night out this Friday. She says she's not interested in him anymore but it's driving me crazy. Him being around has made me confront the feelings I've had all this time, thinking they would go away but they're just stronger. I think she's going to sleep with him again, just because it's a guy showing her affection and she doesn't get that much. I want to tell her how I feel but I don't want her to be creeped out or ruin our friendship. At the same time I just feel like it's become toxic and I'm just getting hurt all the time. I've never felt this way about another girl, I think I've fallen for her because of who she is not what she is. Please help!!
     
    #1 ChazL, Aug 16, 2015
  2. confusedbubble

    confusedbubble
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    Does she know that you're questioning your sexuality? If so maybe you should start by telling her that you've been questioning for a while and that you have a crush on someone but don't know how to tell them. See how she reacts to you telling her about your sexuality if she reacts positive then you can tell her later that the crush you have is on her.
    It's best that you tell her because from the signals she's giving like holding hands and touching you is confusing and it's causing tension in your friendship by her giving affection then going with that bloke
     
    #2 confusedbubble, Aug 16, 2015
  3. Gravity

    Gravity
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    I agree with confusedbubble - starting by putting the basic cards on the table (coming out, even as questioning) may be the best way to go. If she doesn't even know that you have the capacity to be attracted to other women, it's hard to know how to proceed. On the other hand, confessing your feelings up front means a lot of revelations and a lot to process.

    They could even be in the same conversation, based on how close you two have been, but try starting with just the honesty about yourself. Then you'll know more about how to proceed, even if in the same moment.

    As for the guy - I would recommend either telling her soon or telling her after they see each other Friday. It's understandable that him being around is triggering your emotions on this front again, but if it's just that she's seeing someone, and you would be fine with things as they are if he wasn't around, then you should probably let the situation be just about you two, without involving him (implicitly or explicitly) - which you will if you tell her on, say, Friday afternoon. Basically, find time where it can be about just you two.
     
    #3 Gravity, Aug 16, 2015
  4. ChazL

    ChazL
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    No she doesn't know, to be honest I've never really questioned it before her. So at the moment I'm so confused because I was never expecting my emotions to be so strong.
    We have a pretty small friendship circle so I think if I told her I had a crush on someone of the same sex she would know it was her. But I've not had serious relationships with guys whilst I've been mates with her and I don't stop her touching me so maybe she's got some idea anyway
    She's had two long term relationships with guys in the past, both of which have come out as gay. One she found out about recently and she reacted very badly to this. So again it's confusing because she acts likes this with me but she seems judgemental of gay relationships.
     
    #4 ChazL, Aug 16, 2015
  5. confusedbubble

    confusedbubble
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    She may of reacted badly because she feels their relationship was kind of a lie, to be intimate with someone and then find out that they weren't into the relationship may of upset her. It's best to be open with her because if it's causing tensions in the friendship then you really have nothing too loose, you need some time before the weekend to see her and tell her even just about you've been questioning, that way even if she goes with the bloke she'll know that you're not interested in all the detail about what they did.
    I've been in this situation before and it ruined our friendship because I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was gay, every time she had a joke about lesbians (she was in the closet too and unreadable) I would just sit there quiet and not say anything.... When she found out it was too late she spoke to me and asked why I hadn't said anything I told her I was scared for our friendship..... Worked out I was too late and our friendship was ruined anyway
     
    #5 confusedbubble, Aug 16, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2015
  6. ChazL

    ChazL
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    Thank you so much for your replies!! It's such a weight off my shoulders to be able to speak to others about this, especially those in a similar situation.
    I know I won't see her before Friday but I am going to try and say something. I was wondering if maybe I just need to ask about the holding hands on nights out.
    I have a date with a guy on Sunday and I haven't told her, maybe I could tell her and say I feel weird about going because I've been questioning my feelings for her?
    I know that I'm not feeling this way just because of this guy she's been with, my feelings have been there for a while and it was getting unbearable anyway. When we'd go out I'd imagine what it was like us being a couple.
    I think she's going to reject me and be weirded out, but is it bad that I feel I need to be selfish and get it off my chest?
     
    #6 ChazL, Aug 16, 2015
  7. confusedbubble

    confusedbubble
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    Yes you can put it that way tell her you need to know because what you've been doing is confusing you...... What's the worst that could happen? If your friendship is already tense then you could be loosing it anyway... Tell her you never know the out come if you don't let her know

    Good luck and keep us updated :slight_smile:
     
    #7 confusedbubble, Aug 17, 2015
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