I don't know what to feel anymore. I feel so numb, I feel dead. I don't know....

If there was a mental health section I would probably post to that... This is the closest thing I've got to what's wrong though...

I don't even know where to begin. Some of you who know me know that my mom has health issues that sometimes affect her mood.
If you don't, my mom has a shitty combination of Fibromyalgia (if I spelled it right) and Lupus, plus a couple of auto-immune diseases. And her doctors, and others I fact checked. Say that stress makes it worse. So, me coming out to her, and to a couple of people at school despite her saying not to, and it spreading to where people whisper about it around her, asking if I am or not, has driven her crazy, her pain is so much worse because of stress. But, I almost feel like that's not an excuse for some of the things she says to me.

two nights ago, she was hurting, badly, She decided to take a bath, and I thought it would help. I come home from painting my senior parking space to find her crying in bed about how badly it hurts. And I kinda freak out for a couple of reasons, one, I blamed myself for going out when she was hurting. She gives me conflicting reasons for that, saying I should have stayed since she hurt, but I also should have gone because it needs to get done. When she gets like this, hurts this bad, she unloads everything I have ever done wrong, throughout my entire life on me, and uses me as a stress outlet. From simple things that she regrets later like how inconsiderate I am, (and she wonders why I always say I'm sorry for everything to the point of it drives her crazy sometimes, I don't on purpose, it's reflex) To, well, me being gay, and what I want to do with my life.
Later that night, she calms down. Her muscles stop hurting and she regrets most of what she said, especially since I had to take a sleeping pill of mine to get to sleep. "Oh god I'm a horrible mother! I stress my baby out so much he can't sleep"

I forgive her, but I don't forget it. I remember, I say I forgive her to get her to shut up so I can try to get some sleep.

The next night, oh god this is the worst part. The next night, my friend wanted to hang out. I said yes, so long as he'd help me paint my parking space. He comes, helps me, we did about half of a bunch of small stars on it because my mom wants to help me but is too sick to get out of bed except to complain about me.
That night, after we're done, we come home, chill and watch TV, no big deal, I then, hear my mom crying... (Of course, this is embarrassing as fuck, I managed to brush it off as her hurting and not feeling well but I don't know how good his ears are so he may have heard everything.

I feel like my mind is trying to repress what my mom said... But here's what I do remember. The first thing she says when I ask what's wrong, is something I never ever thought was an issue she had with me until now. This topic never came up, religion. "It just destroys me that I know I will never be able to see my baby again after I die, because I know that you're going down there" Needless to say, I'm crushed, this destroys me, and we proceed to have a conversation (all with my friend in the other room) about how I thought god doesn't see that as a big of a deal "There are some things god doesn't agree with honey" and of course she says this "You won't be able to control your poop" WHat is it with her and her fucking obsession with that?! She's said that multiple times! "I know you're already going down there because you've sinned" And she was referring to a dildo that I, well. Purchased. that she found the empty packaging for. She breaks me down so much, that I feel like, less that human. I beg her to calm down, say I'll marry a woman, say that I'll, I don't even remember anymore... But one more thing she said was "Is it worth the risk honey? Eternal damnation?"

But this conversation destroyed me, to the point of I message my only friend I can trust on facebook and we have a back and forth about how I do deserve happiness, which I still kinda don't think I do, How I feel I should do everything in my power to make my mother happy. How I'm worthless and my purpose should be to sacrifice my life to make her happy, since she sacrifieced hers without being given the choice. She did choose to have me, while she was sick yea, but her husband my asshole of a father, decided to cheat on her, and leave, kidnapping me as a near infant and my mother filing for divorce to get me back, she sacrifieced her happiness of finding another guy, to raise me instead, and I feel like I owe her that.

I just... I just feel so numb right now. I feel like I can't picture happiness anywhere in my future. With a guy, or even lying, with a woman. I don't see anything other than darkness. I look in the mirror, and I see somebody who is destined for a life of misery now. I took a xanax of mine to calm me down because I was kinda having a panic attack a little bit ago. My stomach hurts, and that concerns me because stress stomach ulcers run in the family, or they have since my mother anyway. She's had two perforated ones. But what prompted me to post here, is the most disturbing thing. As I was lying in bed, the thing that comforted me most, was imagining my own death, in a variety of ways, from car accidents, to hanging, to gunshot, to, well... That's enough to get the point across... I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I'm too much of a wimp to actually do something like that, so don't say I should admit myself, not yet. I'm starting to feel like that's an option though.

 

I just don't know what to feel, it's a type of numbness that I haven't felt before. I've felt numb after one of our arguments that I cave in to then it's calm for about a month, but then, after, I feel better. The numbness usually lasts for that night, then in the morning, I feel better.
This morning, I didn't. Not one bit, after writing this it stirred up the emotions again and I couldn't sleep. I drifted in and out of sleep all day until I had to get up. I could have gotten up several times, but, I just stayed. I didn't want to get up, it's that so depressed I just want to stay in bed feeling. I heard my mom come home for lunch and I just stayed in bed and feel back asleep. Thankfully, she didn't tell me to get up. I still feel numb, It's one thats, different... I can't describe it, this hurts. And telling me it gets better, while I'm thankful you're being considerate, isn't helping much. Because the most calming thoughts I'm still having right now are my own death. I haven't thought about it constantly, don't freak out. But, now that I'm back at home, after painting my senior parking space, and a theatre troupe meeting, I feel that's the most calming thing to think about. That and playing GTA V as a distraction, Momentarily going mad and killing everybody, but just doing missions usually....

Just, help me okay. I'm not at risk for suicide, I know that, I'm too big of a wimp. It'd take something huge to do that. Self harm, not likely. I will admit I did do it once, I had been pushed passed my limit and thought that since other people find peace in it, maybe I could. I didn't bleed but it hurt like hell. I can't really understand why that would bring peace, only more pain. So, doing that again isn't likely.
Just silent suffering and depression is what I'm just probably going to do.
Can somebody please tell me what I should do? Somebodys suggestion about college is a good idea, but every time I mention some place that's not the University that's in the neighboring county, she gets defensive, saying we have no money, can't afford it, etc. No matter how many times I tell her the one she wants me to go to that's closer is my backup since I meet requirements for automatic acceptance and their financial aide.

Just, help...

 

Bumping because I'm not as numb anymore...
However, I still feel numb, like, I've been permanently scarred, because, any time I even think about a relationship or sex, I can;t get my mom's words that it's not natural and that I'm going to hell out of my head... And I'm concerned this will affect my chances of having a healthy relationship with anybody... please guys, come on!