Three months til I get married to a girl...but I think I like men more

It sounds like you'll feel alone whether you stay with your fiance or not.

Would you rather spend a year (if your lucky) in a disfunctional straight marriage or spend a year being single?

 

Damn, you're an asshole.

 

I agree with Chip that the wise decision here is to call off the wedding and tell your fiancée what's going on. You can not live a life of lies, being married to a woman and regularly hooking up with guys on the side, first because you will not be happy and probably neither will she and second, because it WILL end badly at some point.

This is a difficult decision to make but you can't start a marriage when there are so many lies and unresolved questions. You need to sort yourself out before you think of committing to a long-term relationship, be it with a man or with a woman.

 

I would cancel the wedding and seek a therapist to help you with your feelings

I have experience being married and then coming out gay. If you wait you risk becoming extremely unhappy and living a life that's not authentic. Go with your heart and be true

 

Wait. You are engaged. But you have sex with people other than your fiance? Why are you even getting married in the first place? If it's an arranged thing, and the fiance knows and agrees, that's one thing. If not, that's messed up. Seriously.

 

I was just going through this thread, found it interesting; when I came across one of Chips replies where, being frustrated with this post, per the above quote replied how being "Chickenshit" has lead to a lot of heartbreak and horrible things.

This hit me hard when I read it. I have taken the time to digest it, and in retrospect agree 100% with the comment given my own experience. Whatever the justification, reasoning or rationalizing, getting married prior to coming out is pure "Chickenshit" - plain and simple.

I have said it previously, one of my life's regrets.

 

I understand a lot of preparation goes into a wedding, deposits are made, families are excited, invitations go out, but your racing against the clock. Push the clock back. You say she knows your contemplating. If she really loves you, she will give you the time to sort through this. If not, she takes on a massive amount responsibility to what happens next.

This has to be one of the most horrible ways to have a foundation for a marriage.

 

I think if you even take remotely five seconds to re-read your post you'll realize yourself that your marriage is absolutely non-viable and for so many reasons that I am actually amazed you made it this far.


- She literally dumped you MULTIPLES TIMES for being bisexual only taking you back when you pretended to be straight ! This alone would have been a massive red flag and would have had me running for the hills (I cannot stand homophobic/biphobic and narrow-minded people.)

- She is NOT willing to let you express your feelings if she doesn't approve of them.
not only is this extremely controlling it's also very worrying and would be another massive red flag

- YOU cheated on her on multiples occasions while affirming here that you love her and using the poor excuse that you are bi.
not only as a bi person does this pisses me off but how can someone promise fidelity to their future wife when they've been shagging around for months/ years. A relationship is supposed to be based on trust and I would have none for you and would be running for the hills if I were your future wife too.

Overall you two seem pretty horrible. She seem completely narrow minded and controlling and you seem to have absolutely no morals and seem pretty entitled to me.
What annoys me about your post and way of living in general is the prejudice you are causing to bi people by your poor behaviour.

You seem to think of bisexuality as an entitlement of having the right to shag both genders while in a relationship. It's not. Being bisexual means that you are attracted to both, not that it grants you the right to shag other men while in a relationship with your girlfriend.
For the sake of your future partner(s) and to avoid such a situation next time do not commit to a monogamous relationship if you know you'll be craving the other sex and will be cheating and don't marry a person you've been fine betraying for months on end with random guys for a bit of pleasure.
(I think at 32 I do not need to remind you that by cheating you are directly putting at risk your fiancés health and how unreasonable that is...)

I definitely hope that you've told her about all the cheating so she can get tested for STD's and HIV and get into that marriage fully knowing what and who she'll be dealing with for the rest of her life.

Sorry if that's harsh but I can't stand people using their bisexuality as an excuse for cheating which then reinforce stupid stereotypes against bi people and increase bi-phobia.

My overall advice is don't marry the girl but at the end of the day, your life, your mistake to make.

 

That's not very fair to to yourself but especially not to your fiancé, she thinks you are willing to work things out but you are more interested in a whole other gender. You better make up your mind quick and call it off early. Better now than later. :dry: So what you are doing is functioning as gay but keeping an image as straight since you are bi so you can have a girlfriend and appear like a typical straight couple. That's offensive to gay and bi people.

---------- Post added 14th Sep 2015 at 09:03 PM ----------

You can be biromantic. Anyone gay or striaght can sweet talk and flirt with either gender so I think that's what you are doing, you are just gay but capable and willing to get a girlfriend.

 

We are taking offense to your personal choices because they are selfish and hurting an innocent victim, your fiancé. If you think you're going to remain faithful to her, you're deluding yourself.

 

I get what your going through. I get it because I have been at the EXACT same place your at. I played both sides before getting married, I started dating my wife and she knew about my "experimentation" (I never cheated on her however as I was always loyal after we started dating and through our marriage).

She had dreams of the perfect wedding, to the perfect guy, wanting the kids, the house with white picket fence, etc. This all distracted her from what she knew, I was not straight. But she wanted the marriage more.

I had the perception of the success I was supposed to become because my parents drilled it into me, I got The offhanded remarks in school when everyone knew I messed around with guys, even when my parents knew, they were unsupportive of helping me find my tire sexual identity. I had pressures which said "Don't be Gay".

I became someone I was not throughout my marriage. I suppressed not only my sexual identity, but my entire identity. I became the person I was told I was supposed to become instead of the person I should have become. It was life built on a foundation of glass, and at some point, the glass cracked and everything came crashing down.

Today, times have evolved massively. Acceptance grows by leaps and bounds. You have every reasonable ability to be the person you should be rather the person everyone else wants you to be.

Maybe you grew up in a financially conservative household, maybe you have a religious upbringing, maybe your fiancée sees you as the golden catch that will build wealth and support her white picket fence dreams. But whatever it is, you can still determine the outcome. You can make a choice now that will determine the type of person you will be for the rest of your life.

Going back to an initial word - are you too chickenshit to do so? I was too chickenshit at the time I got married. When I had to drink a bunch of vodka before going down the wedding isle to numb myself. And people's lives are hurt because of it. And nothing I do will ever repair that damage. Don't make the same mistake.

Finally, you remind me of a guy I had dinner with a little while back on a trip to San Francisco I took. We had an open discussion about how he was attracted to guys, wanted to know how I was able to live the way I did for 19 years; and he wanted tips to do the same. The pressures he felt were causing him to make similar decisions. I was dumbfounded that in today's society someone would see a need to live inauthentically. Instead of giving him tips, I told him all the reasons why it will not work. He remained determined. You sound very much like that guy. Don't be that guy.