I've written the first line of this post a couple of times now and I'm just going to have to go with it. I'm a deeply unhappy man. I'm lonely as hell. I've been alone for the last five years while my three married exes have gone off, shagged about, dated and are now married - hey, at least it's not to each other. Whereas I haven't dated anyone, I've had very little sex and the only thing I have to show for the last five years is a university degree and an entry level job. But I'd give it all up, all of it, to have someone to be with at night. Why can't I be happy? It seems that I am being left behind and outside of the world of being properly gay - or even sexual at all. All my friends - I don't exaggerate, ALL OF THEM - are at one of the following stages. 1. Fucking random people 2. Dating 3. In a relationship 4 Engaged. I know it does seem exaggerated but it is the literal truth. They're all happy and I'm as miserably single as one can be. There is little or no hope for anything coming along to make this different - I'm starting to give up hope. I keep having panicky visions of the future where I'm that guy... You know, the sad, old, decrepit man standing at the end of the gay bar being soaked for drinks by the same twinks who wouldn't give him the time of day 10, 20, 30 years previously. I go home alone, as I do now, and then, when the time comes, I'm discovered when the neighbours haven't seen me for a couple of days. Even my best friends, the guys that I'm super close with have girl or boy friends and I can feel them starting to settle down and soon they will have no time for me as they grow up and I'm left to fester in my own solitude. Meh, maybe I'll get invited over for the odd holidays as the weird uncle who cries when no one is watching. I would give everything - even my eloquence (the only positive characteristic I can truly, unreservedly say I admit I have) - to have someone to roll over and cuddle with in the morning. I don't really care who they are, I'm past the stage of having "someone in mind" and it's a case of anyone. You have to be an A or B gay to be choosey, us chubby D Queers should just be lucky to have the odd pity screw or date thrown our way. I would give anything to feel happy with someone, someone who cares, someone to have those laughs that aren't really funny but are because you're together, someone who actually considers me. There's a lot of stuff out there about how being single is awesome, and I bet it can be, if you're good at it. However, as we've established, I'm not good enough at it. I hate being alone and lapse into utter hopelessness when I'm left with my own thoughts for too long. I reminisce about the guys I've dated and how they got off lucky not being stuck with me. I wish I could waltz out the door, meet a guy, screw all night and then leave to do it all again next weekend. I wish I were aesthetically acceptable enough to find someone who wants to go to the cinema with me, to hold my hand, to kiss, to cuddle etc - to date me. The only problem is that I've been trying for 5 years and nothing...NOTHING! So there we have it, thanks for listening. Also, I've posted a number of times on EC and every time I've been super grateful to the EC community, you guys are there for me in a world that couldn't give a toss. I guess it could get better... stranger things have happened.
Why can't you just hook up with one of your second stage (dating) friends? If you don't feel confident about your looks you should definitely try a relationship with people who know the inner you. I'm sorry if this is a shabby solution. It's all my teen inexperienced mind can come up with at the moment.
Did you try, I dunno...Online dating? I mean, yeah, it's full of weird freaky people but it could work.
Hey dude, I am really sorry to hear about how you are struggling and thought I would take some time to read and respond to your post. First off, I think your feelings are completely normal and this is definitely something I have struggled with at times throughout my life as well. Granted, I can't say it has gotten quite to the point it appears you are at, but I can empathize with the underlying hopelessness and despair when it feels like nothing will ever work out. From the general tone and charisma of your post I have gathered a few things, and please correct me if I am wrong because I am just going on my impressions so that I can try to provide some advice. It seems more than being alone, the problem is a serious lack of self esteem. In turn, this is likely your major barrier to having a meaningful relationship. People who take pride in being single do so because they are generally happy with their life. They take pride in who they are both inside and out, their accomplishments, and are satisfied working towards their goals. People who are unhappy with themselves are generally more likely to attempt to find solace in someone else. This is a dangerous and unhealthy behaviour. I would work hard to pinpoint if it really is just loneliness that has you down or if there are other aspects of your life that you feel you could improve (your "entry level job", or your "chubby appearance" for example). It is unclear from your post the lengths you go through to actively find someone to be with. Have you tried going out more frequently with friends, alone, online dating, social clubs, trying new interests that could help you meet more people. If you haven't, again, a common barrier to doing these things is lack of self worth and the belief that you aren't good enough (again derived from your comment about how you have only one good quality... I find that hard to believe). Perhaps once you feel more confident about yourself you may be more open to trying things out of your comfort zone that increase the chances you could meet someone. If you have been doing these things and have been unsuccessful, you can't compare yourself to your friends. There is no doubt that being gay makes it more challenging to find someone, not because the pool of potential partners are inherently different, but just smaller. Try not to get caught up in the fact that your friends are moving on in life, or are engaged, etc, because everyone moves at a different pace. Their happiness should be your happiness and while I get where the jealousy is coming from, this is not an aspect of life that should be seen as a competition. You need to make choices that are best for you and that pace may be different than your friends. I think you should do some goal setting to really help you. Set goals about self-improvement (whether its weight or whatever), set goals with meeting people (I will try X number of new things in the next 3 months), etc. Sometimes you need to take charge to make things happen. Some people say it happens when you least expect it, but sometimes you need to put yourself in good situations for things to unexpectedly happen. Don't sit and despair because that puts you into the vicious cycle that you are currently in. You don't have to go out and sleep around, but it only takes one person to make you happy and you will find them. It may take a bit more time, but I do believe there is someone for everyone and when you meet them you want to make sure you are at your best or else it won't work or be reciprocated. A relationship now won't fix anything. That's just my two cents. I hope at least one thing I have mentioned here helps. Good luck and remember to always keep your head up
