Hey all!! Been a while since I posted a thread, but I've been lurking regularly. So, to cut to the chase, I was home recently for a family gathering and my brother pulled me aside and told me that he was pansexual and had had been sexually active for three years. Now, dear readers, this was a surprise. This is mainly due to the fact that three years ago when I came out to him, he reiterated that he was straight and lied to my face about it. The fact that he was never in denial about it and was active the whole time I was going through my shit stung quite a bit... I really could have used an ally back then. But that is not the point of this thread. The point is, he is terrified about coming out to my parents (as was I). But it turns out that my fears were baseless, and they needed surprisingly little adjustment. But he won't budge. He also said that he had been planning to come out around the same time I did, but I beat him to it and now he doesn't want to come out at all. I refuse to feel guilty about this though, because he knew I was gay already (before I told him) and he also knew that I was going to have to come out too. Maybe he just wanted to be first, who knows. I just don't know how to advise him at this point. My parents are liberal-intellectual types, and they've already been through the coming out process once. They also really don't expect grandkids from either one of us and, even if they did, they still joke that I'm more likely to have them than my brother. My brother is much more of a free spirit than I am, and he just doesn't seem like the "settling down" type. The family thinks that he's basically asexual, and a virgin, but... surprise!! Now I know my parents very well, although I will admit that my relationship with them is very different than his. I know that the main thing that will cause them pain isn't that fact that my brother isn't straight, but rather the fact that he waited so long to tell them. Especially after I've known for awhile (since they will inevitably ask me how long I've known). Another complicating factor is this: What are the odds of having two queer children? They know that people are born this way, but it will still cast a serious doubt on Mom especially as to whether or not she did something "wrong" bringing us up. Not that queer is "bad", but it is still outside the norm. So I guess... What should I do, as the out and proud sibling, to advise my brother? Are any of you out there from families with more than one queer child? The reason this is becoming more urgent, is that my brother just met someone (a guy) and he is falling for him. I don't want him to be uncomfortable, but I don't want him to hurt our parents either... Alright EC, help me out. -The SEEKER
You could offer to tell your parents on behalf of your brother. But, maybe he won't like that if he thought you "beat him" by coming out first (it shouldn't be a race...). You can't really help the fact he's waited so long, but you can hopefully shorten the wait. Maybe you could talk about what are his specific reasons for feeling scared and your own experiences when you told your parents. There is some research suggesting a genetic based component of sexuality, including one suggesting having older brothers increases the chances of homosexuality. I think it's best to not even entertain the idea of a "wrong" childhood because there are plenty of people who have diverse childhoods while turning out straight (or gay/bi/etc.). Ultimately, your brother is going to do what he wants (as he already seems to do right now). You can offer to help, but he has the final decision, and I think your parents would understand why you didn't tell them earlier.
I did bring this up, but he wants to fly solo if he goes. I'd never in a million years "out" him, but it's frustrating to watch from the sidelines. It's funny, I know that and I know my parents know that, but I can still see them thinking that there is some kind of shortcoming on their part. Just a funny feeling I get. Obviously they're not going to kick him out or anything, and they're already used to having a son (me) who's basically a unicorn, so I really think he'll be ok. My brother has accepted who he was since he was 17 (he's 25 now), and it never bothered him like it did me. He was good with it and there was little internal conflict. At least that's what he tells me. I honestly don't think he realizes how important it is to actually tell our parents. They kind of deserve to know... But yeah, he'll do what he wants. I just really wonder if anybody on EC has family that has gone through 2 outings...
I would encourage him to come out a lot. If your parents are liberal then there is nothing to fear lol
I have been encouraging him. But I also know him well enough that, if I badger him about it too much, he'll shut me out entirely. At the end of the day, he's going to do what he's going to do. I'm honestly more concerned with the familial fallout with my parents have two sons on the LGBT spectrum, and I'm hoping that there's someone on here who can speak to this unusual situation. Should I have this thread moved?
