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Lesbian married to a man, struggling with lots of guilt

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by wildflowerokie, Aug 25, 2015.

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  1. wildflowerokie

    wildflowerokie
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Oklahoma City, OK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people

    My current situation
    I am 25, I am a lesbian. I have been married to a man for 4 years.
    I married my husband because I wanted to be able to fit in in my community and family, and hoped "faith could change me"
    The world I grew up in, and still operate out of feels so hostile towards LGBTQI individuals. It feels like a mine field, and anything I do could destroy my world, or if anyone knew.
    Family is southern baptist and very openly opposed to homosexualiy. I grew up in church with everyone important in my world including pastor etc openly opposing homosexuality and calling it perverse and equating it to molesting children and bestiality.
    I have always worked for religious organizations, and attended private christian schools, If I was honest about who I was, i feel there is no support, only danger and aloneness. This is why I tried my best to be straight and even got married to man.
    I have realized now that I am not going to change, and I can't. I am trying to accept myself and overcome the guilt that I feel for not being able to change who I am, and also not feeling like an adequate wife. I also feel guilty that I was too coward to come out, and be myself and in doing so dragged my husband who is such a good hearted person into this situation. I feel lost and helpless and guilty. Feels like no decision is good.
    :icon_sad:
     
    #1 wildflowerokie, Aug 25, 2015
  2. waternation

    waternation Guest

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    Don't feel guilty. The circumstances you grew up in sound like they really pushed you into where you are now... Have you told your husband how you feel? How did he react/how do you think he would react? Also, I really hate it so much when people use their religious beliefs to push homophobia :icon_sad: Even though it may not feel like it, you have complete control over you life and the decisions that you make now. Make the ones that will be best by you. Maybe these need to be done before you consider having a family if that's what would be expected by others next. Also, what is an 'adequate wife'? (*hug*) You are you, you are more than a wife, more than a person who has to comply to others expectations. Your life, your choices and decisions, no matter how hard they are to make. Take other people's thoughts into consideration, but if you're able to, you also have to live for yourself. The rest of your life is a long time to pretend you aren't gay or be in a loving, romantic relationship with someone. (and on the flip-side, your husband will spend the rest of his life with someone who can't share full romantic feelings back?) I wish you all the best. I understand it must be hard... I hope things get better.
     
    #2 waternation, Aug 25, 2015
  3. resu

    resu
    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes, it can be really hard to trust your instincts when everyone you respect and trust are saying homosexuality is evil. You are not the first person in a heterosexual marriage to realize this, and you won't be the last, sadly (the "later in life" section has stories of people who came out after decades of marriage).

    Remember the past is the past. You can't change it. All you can do is change your present actions to point toward a better future. It may be hard, but your husband should understand you even if it takes some time. You mentioned you're out to a few people. Hopefully you can expand that list so you develop a real support network. Even if it feels like you're surrounded by homophobia, you will find more reasonable people, and that includes those who are religious.
     
    #3 resu, Aug 27, 2015
  4. mapleluv

    mapleluv
    Regular Member

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    I live right near you in Edmond, so I feel you! The atmosphere around here isn't exactly the most accepting, but little pockets of homo-friendliness are popping up (E/X downtown & the Paseo district). And people really aren't that terrible, I promise!

    I was with a man for 5 years & ended up bailing 2 weeks before my wedding or I would've been in a very similar situation. I still feel guilty for hurting my partner the way I did- he loved me, he still loves me. But in the end, it's your life & you have the right to make choices that will make you happy.

    If you need some support in your life, just message me & we could definitely meet up or talk or something. I really wish I would've had someone to talk who'd been there during the process of leaving my ex.
     
    #4 mapleluv, Aug 28, 2015
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