Am I In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months and I do love him, but lately the honeymoon stage has diminished more and I am starting to see signs in him that I missed earlier in the relationship. Several people I know have gotten worried that I might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, but as I am the one seeing things from the inside out I am not sure how much would be classed as abuse or just as me looking too far into things which could just be normal couple problems. So I want some other input and advice from you guys on here, to see what you think is going on, because I have the stupid love goggles on and can't see things as clear as someone looking from the outside in. Please help me out.

A bit of history about the relationship... We got together in January of this year and I stupidly ended up cheating on him with my ex during that month. He confronted me about that and I admitted what I did was wrong. Surprisingly he stayed with me, because 'he wanted me to get better and he wanted to help me.' When I first met him, I only really wanted to have a casual thing with him but he wanted a relationship with me, so I decided to try a relationship. He seemed really nice and like he wanted me to change for the better since I had low self-esteem as a result of a rape that occurred last year, and he wanted to see me turn my life around. After I cheated on him, he still said he wanted me to get better for me.

A few months on, and he seemed to genuinely care about me still. That's until I met his best friend who told me a bunch of stuff that my boyfriend had conveniently forgotten to mention to me. His best friend told me that my boyfriend had been lying to me for about 4 months, and he couldn't just sit by and watch my boyfriend continue doing this to me. So his friend admitted that my bf had only stayed with me after I cheated on him to get revenge and to use me for sex without telling me, and was waiting for me to cheat on him again so he could break up with me after having had his revenge, as he just assumed I wouldn't improve myself and I would only cheat again. Turned out as the months went by, he got feelings for me again and apparently started to fall in love with me, and realised he was getting in way too deep with his lies, as I had proven him wrong and improved myself and hadn't cheated on him again. His friend had told him that he needed to tell me he'd been lying to me and using me that whole time, but my boyfriend couldn't bring himself to tell me, so his friend did. I also realised that my bf had been lying to his friend as well during this time and not telling him important information, so I disclosed that to his friend too. We both got very mad at my bf and confronted him. He ended up breaking down and crying and begging me not to leave and promised he'd change and stop the lies. I stayed with him.

After that I expected a change in him, as I had changed my entire lifestyle and social life to be with him and to make him happy. I ended up walking on eggshells around him the whole time so as not to offend him or piss him off, as he would sulk for hours and never take responsibility when he made a mistake. He was also very clingy and got jealous. He would say he loved me once every few minutes and would get sulky if I didn't want to cuddle or I needed space, or he'd get suspicious if I wasn't with him. He would constantly look over my shoulder to see who I was texting as he assumed I was cheating on him again.

2 months ago, we broke up for a week, as I was having a very difficult time dealing with the death of my grandparents within a few weeks of eachother and I got impulsive and broke up because I couldn't handle his drama on top of this other stuff. In that week, I ended up having sex with my ex as I have a bad habit of going straight to sex when I'm upset. After that week, my mind unfogged, and I realised what I'd done and talked to my boyfriend again wondering if he wanted to get back together or not. He did. So we got back together.

After getting back together again, I noticed he got more arrogant than usual and became really cocky and rude. He turned into an absolute dick towards his best friend and would constantly try to show him up. Whenever I tried to talk to my bf about his attitude, he would go silent and say he didn't want to talk about it. Anytime we had a problem, he would push it aside and not want to talk it through, so as a result I ended up resenting him more and more as he would sulk and try to make me feel bad for him and try to get me to apologize for upsetting him. He admitted previously in the relationship, that he got a power trip from being able to control my feelings towards him so easily during those months he was lying to me, and he didn't know how to stop doing that, hence why he didn't tell me about it. He openly admitted that he had used me in that time and he liked feeling powerful from it.

Last week was what really affected me however. We were staying in a hotel which we came back to after a night on the town. We ended up having protected sex as per usual, and it was all going fine. He was drunk but he seemed to be aware of everything. However, after I started to fall asleep, I could feel him pushing himself inside me without a condom, which he knew was something I was very uncomfortable with. I ended up just lying there frozen, shaking, about to cry, and I felt so violated. He kept going for about 2 minutes until he realised I was shaking and he then pulled out saying "what have I done?! Tell me I didn't just do what I think I did..." He then tried to turn the whole situation onto himself by saying he was drunk and had no idea why he did that, and that he should just never touch me again, and he started crying and apologizing. Not once did he ask me if I was okay. And that wasn't the worst part. About 10 minutes later, he rolled back over and told me he was still horny and that seeing me so vulnerable and the rape fantasy had really turned him on and he felt disgusted for admitting it had. I wanted him to leave me alone, so I ended up just letting him have sex with me until he finished and fell asleep so he'd leave me alone, after which he said not to tell anyone about that night as he was worried they would judge him. Logically, I should've just left him right on the spot, but he told me he was drunk and had very little memory of that night once sober and he had no idea why he did it, so I stayed with him and forgave him as he said he'd never do it again. I have been raped in the past and it really messed me up because I pushed it to the back of my mind and was scared to deal with it, so I ended up using casual sex to gain control of what I felt like I lost, and had a lot of casual sex last year. And now I'm worried about how I'm going to respond to this rape, as I don't want to suppress it like I did last time. But at the same time, I don't know how to deal with it.

When his best friend who I am now very close friends with found out about the rape, he confronted my boyfriend and yelled at him. I know that I probably sound totally insane for staying with this guy. I just keep hoping he will change and that things will get better and he'll start putting in the effort.

A few things I've noticed is that he never really takes me out on dates or buys me presents or flowers. He finally got me my birthday present 6 months after my actual birthday and that was only after I had to keep reminding him. I have written him several love letters and bought him little gifts, but he has rarely returned the gesture.

He also has a really high opinion of himself. He constantly talks about everything he thinks he's good at and has a superiority complex. He can't accept constructive criticism without using sulking and crying to get what he wants. I feel like I'm dating a highschooler half the time, even though he is 22. He is also very lazy and will postpone job searches until the next day if he doesn't feel like doing them, even though he has said that he has had trouble dedicating much time dealing with mine and his emotional shit due to the fact he has been so invested in finding work, which is not true. He just hates soul searching and trying to get better. He has admitted he is an arrogant dick, and he knows it, and he keeps saying he'll change, but has had 8 months to prove that and I have seen no change. I keep holding hope that tomorrow will be the day he changes.

He also tends to come across as very controlling at times. For example, the other week I was at a party without him and I was smoking weed. He is apparently anti-drugs and hates it when I smoke weed, which is only very occasionally and is always socially. So he ended up manipulating me into leaving the party and going home, as he kept texting me really passive aggressively until I thought I had offended him and went home so as not to upset him. My main fault is hating to offend people, and he knows that. Yet he told me the other night that he wants to try weed on his birthday next month, after giving me a massive lecture not a few weeks before!

So essentially he keeps a lot from me, he lies, he is manipulative, immature, jealous, clingy, controlling, lazy, uncommunicative, arrogant, cocky and he always tries to pretend everything is fine when we have problems by trying to distract me from thinking about our issues because he is scared to deal with his problems. He has also said a few times that he's probably the only person who could handle being with someone like me, and I'm 'lucky I'm so cute' otherwise I'd be screwed. I know it might sound silly, and sorry it was so long, but does all of this sound like an abusive relationship? I just love him and don't want to be without him, but have noticed that I have lost a lot of who I am by being with him. I have lost my backbone as a result of trying not to upset him.