Can friendship work when there is mutual attraction but one person is in the closet?

Does anyone have experience with the following sort of situation?

There are two guys, both of whom are extremely sexually attracted to each other. One is comfortable with his sexuality and out to the other. The other is firmly locked in the closet (probably because of parents/family) and won't say it, but does physical things to show it. After some time and some problemy, both of them realise it can't go anywhere because of the closet issue and get over it, but the feelings are still there, just under the surface (definitely in the case of the first guy and probably in the case of the second).

I'm in this situation with a guy, and he's the closeted one. I really want to try at being friends, which we were starting to become before all of this happened (he started it, by the way), but I don't know if he'll want to try too. He often seems friendly, but never wants to hang out or anything. I haven't tried asking recently, and if I do, I'm hoping he'll want to. If he does want to take another shot at becoming friends, and the latent attraction remains strong on both sides, can it work?

I've had some straight friends say they don't think friendship is really possible between guys and girls, especially if there's attraction on one side. If there's attraction on both sides, it gets even more complicated. I'm not sure I agree with that, since I at least am able to overcome attraction if I know it won't be reciprocated (e.g. a firm rejection is sufficient to do it, after some weeks or months of heartache). Over the long run, though, maybe I'm wrong?

I'm especially interested in hearing from people with experience. Has anyone been in this situation, on either side, and had the friendship work out in the long run? The nightmare scenario would be that he enters a long-term relationship/marriage, is unhappy and the suppressed feelings explode into the open. I think we're both honourable guys and that he wouldn't cheat on a girlfriend/wife, but something like that would still be painful for everyone (whatever the eventual outcome).

 

Re: Can friendship work when there is mutual attraction but one person is in the clos

Hey there too! :smilewave

Thanks for replying, but I don't think he's going to come out: not any time soon and probably not at all. What I'm actually wondering is whether guys who have been mutually attracted can ever be normal friends, if the attraction is just lurking below the surface and had to end because one of them is too deep in the closet.

I'm afraid to even look into his eyes for long, for fear the feelings will come back, and he seems to avoid eye contact too. I feel like if we keep going in the direction we're going, then we'll eventually become strangers. If we do, I'll miss him, but I don't want to complicate things for either of us if a friendship wouldn't work. As I said, I don't think anything else is possible, because I don't think he'll ever come out.

I guess one of the things that's worrying me is reading about gay guys who get married, have kids, lie to everyone for decades and eventually snap. If he's going to do all of that, I at least don't want to contribute to making him eventually snap.

 

Re: Can friendship work when there is mutual attraction but one person is in the clos

Hey there, thanks for the reply. It's good advice about toning down the attraction, and I've been able to do that. I am actually even over it, so I think friendship could work. However, I also know that if he starts flirting with me again, I'll have a hell of a time trying to keep those feelings from coming back. I've never felt so strongly about another guy, and I know he could reignite those feelings in me if he tried. I'm also unsure of whether he's over it and whether he even wants to try at being friends. He acts very friendly sometimes, but other times kind of distant. I don't know what's going on in his head.

I tried to hide my feelings when they were still there, and had a tough time of it. Once he got into a relationship with a girl, though, I was able to get over it. I find her very cute and sweet, actually, so unless he's gay, I hope it works out between them. I want to try again at being friends, and I think I'll be safe as long as he's with her and doesn't start flirting with me (I don't think he'll do that unless he breaks up with her). I just don't know if he feels the same way. In some sense, I guess I really have nothing to lose in trying, but if I spend emotional energy on it and he rejects me, I know it'll hurt. Maybe I'm just scared of that.

 

Re: Can friendship work when there is mutual attraction but one person is in the clos

Thanks. I definitely don't want to interfere with his relationship, and I want it to succeed as long as he isn't gay (i.e. if he's bi). If he's gay, I think it'll eventually be a disaster for him and for her. I've read enough threads on this site to know that. Even then, though, I'd absolutely not interfere unless he brought me into it, e.g. by coming out to me and asking for my opinion. I admit I felt some envy for his girlfriend the first time he got into a relationship, but my concern for him being happy was stronger, and now I don't even feel much if any envy (partly, I guess, because I've managed to get over him). Even being over him, I still know I'd want to be with him if he wanted it, but unless he says so, I assume he doesn't and that's that.

I try to convince myself he's bi, but I have a nagging feeling that he's gay, and that that's why he keeps going into and out of relationships. When I've seen him with his girlfriends, the kind of behaviour I'm used to with friends and their girlfriends is absent. Mostly, it's in the eyes. When people are in love and they make eye contact, you can see it. When he and I used to sit together and make long eye contact, I saw it. With his girlfriends, I've never seen it from him (with the current one, I think I saw it in her eyes but not in his). I haven't spent that much time with him when his girlfriend has been there, but usually he looks neutral (sometimes with a fake smile). With the first one, he actually looked kind of sad and even scared (but they broke up a a couple of months later, so maybe they were just having problems).

What I was actually hoping for the first time he got into a relationship was that he'd be happy, talk about it with me and that we'd just be normal friends. Instead, the only thing he ever says about his relationships to me is mentioning when there are problems. He rarely even does that, though. He mostly just keeps silent.

With the flirting, I don't think it's the 'friend' type, and I've never seen him flirt with another guy. Even with girls, I haven't seen it, even when he was single.

Part of it was just eye contact. If we were alone, he'd start talking to me whilst smiling and making strong eye contact. From time to time he'd shift his gaze from my eyes down to my crotch and back. If others were around, he'd usually (but not always) keep the eye contact brief, like he does with other people.

The more intense thing he'd do was sit next to me, push his leg hard against mine (sometimes the upper, sometimes the lower, sometimes the whole thing), maybe push his arm/shoulder against mine too, lock eyes, smile and talk to me in this soft, gentle tone. If we were sitting across from each other, he'd find my leg with his and again make deliberate, strong and constant contact.

If I accidentally make contact with a guy's leg or ther other way round, the normal thing is for both of us to quickly shift slightly, so our legs aren't touching. I've had gay guys I wasn't interested in touch my leg with theirs before, although not with nearly as much intensity, and when that's happened, I've just moved my leg. With him, I didn't. He's usually only done things like that if we've been alone, though, or if we've been drinking with others and it's been dark enough that it would be hard to notice, although sometimes he's lightly touched his leg to mine in non-drinking situations with others around.

There were other things too, like staring at me a lot when we first met and often sitting next to me (and he did a lot of indirect things on social media too), but I don't think the leg contact leaves much room for doubt. Also, he only started doing the leg thing after I told him I'm bi. Before that, he'd lean close so that our shoulders were touching and make eye contact, but not the leg touching.

I don't want to 'get back' (not that I'd object to it!), but I do want to be friends, and I want us to be comfortable around each other. I also want him to trust me, and the fact that he won't come out kind of makes me feel like he doesn't. If he came out to me, I think we could be amazing friends, even if it remained purely Platonic. I cared so much about him, and I want to care about him as a friend and let him know that I do. I do miss the flirting, but even more than that I miss the friendship, and being able to care about him. I guess I'm just scared about being rejected and also, maybe, about starting to fall for him again. I think I'll give it a try when I can gather enough courage, but I don't know how he'll react.