Does he know that I know that he knows?

A few days ago I was pretty depressed and felt shitty, both because I'm gay and because I'm having some other private issues. Anyway, my brother who I think is also gay, noticed it and asked me a few times what was wrong. I said all was okay. Later, when we were in a room together, we talked a bit and he commented on my depression again. So I pretended it was okay but went out of the room. When I was a few steps a way I heard him say: "Gay is okay."
It startled me a bit, but I said nothing and continued doing my things like nothing happened.I pretended I haven't heard a thing. I didn't even think about it much because I felt really f*cked up.
After a night out, we arrived back home and I made a plan to ask him "what did you say before?" when both of us would go to sleep and parents wouldn't hear us. That way, I thought, maybe I could out myself to him, and he might out himself to me if he was gay as well.
However, when I went to bed I told him I'd like to ask him something. He asked what was it. I was silent for a bit then said 'nothing'. I chickened out. Well, he fell asleep eventually and so did I. That's about it.
Now I'm wondering what really happened that day. Did he just tell me he knows and supported me, or did he out himself to me, or wanted to see my reaction, or what? And now that I've missed my chance, how do I bring this up again? Should I? I don't know how, and when I start to think about it I feel miserable and want to escape this place, I feel unworthy and it is a very bad feeling overall. Partially i want him to be gay as well so that he can understand me, but it is also selfish because I don't want him to be gay for his own sake. Also, I don't want him to see me as a gay person because the same moment I think about it I feel ashamed and less worthy. So, what do I do next? Thanks.

 

Yeh, he knows.
You could tell him, he might have known for a while so maybe he'll be more accepting.
BUT, at the same time, he might have just found out about it and he's messing with you, which is probably bad. (Think of some way he could found out about it)
Anyway.
Is he generally trustable?
If yes, you can tell him and then ask him to keep his mouth shut.

 

I don't think he's messing with me, but the fact of him knowing still bugs me.
I think I can trust him but I can't bring up the subject. It would be very uncomfortable.
Now he came from work and everything is normal, we joke a bit and nothing new. Is there some other way of letting him know that I want to tell him or something?

 

Well if you feel comfortable, you could try bringing it up again when you go to bed. It seems like he probably knows. If he's trustworthy, you should tell him (if you feel ready). This is one of those things where you have to just rip the band aid off and do it to get it done. He's your brother and if he's trustworthy, he'll probably be supportive. With coming out to people, it's easy to work yourself up and think the worst case scenario will happen even if you're telling a person you know to be trustworthy.

If you are really having a hard time of telling him out loud, you could write him a note saying it. May seem cheesy, but if that's what you need to do to get it over with then that's absolutely fine. Or even a text, or over the phone.
If you still aren't ready to do those things but want to tell him, you could try dropping hints, like talking about LGBT+ stuff more, or commenting on it when it comes up, that kind of thing.

 

Thanks for the advice, but whenever I try something I chicken out... I'm thinking of a text message once schools starts so that I don't have to face it right away. Other than that, he's in a pretty bad mood lately, so it definitely isn't going to happen very soon... Thanks once again.

 

There is another approach that I used before: an imaginary gay friend. Tell your brother that one of your best friends just outed himself to you and needed some advice. Ask your brother if there is something that you could say. If the tips and remarks are genuinely positive, then you can be more confident that he is LGBT friendly.

Hugs and good luck!
Werbinich

 

This. Is genius. Well, at least one of the constructive options available.

 

I'm burning in hell for this, but please bear with me.

It's the middle of the night here, and as I felt desperate again, I decided to do something. Something means going through my brothers' browsing history on his laptop.
Anyway, I found loads of Britney Spears, Madonna, etc. songs on youtube, blogs of some girls, many sites on men's fashion and many searches for men's harstyles, beards and quite a few pics (some almost naked), along with two or three links which led to a news on a gay couple getting married, news that one guy took clothes off to support battle against AIDS on a site which has 'gay' in its adress, but also found loads of catholic sites, theological discussions, as well as a few pics of a girl posing in her panties. Yeah, I'm a bad person. But what the f*ck???

Is he gay? Or does he have a very good fashion sense? Was he just checking out those bearded dudes because he likes fashion or what? Also, what about all those catholic sites?

I'd lie if I said I didn't feel relieved when I saw some of the stuff he was searching for (such as sexy bearded guys and stuff) but then what do I do? I was thinking 'wow...maybe he is gay so I can tell him. It'd be good for both of us' but then I saw all the other things he was looking at...

What do you think about him? What do you suggest?

 

The fashion links suggest he may want to renew his identity as part of a possible planned coming out; the Catholic links hint to an inner self-acceptance conflict.

Are you sure he hasn't had access to your browsing history? It would be very funny if you both were tiptoeing around each other.

 

That is what it sounds like to me, but it's always safe to be cautious. The gay best friend idea was good so I think that's probably your best bet. If you want to try and brainstorm more ideas let me know and I'll help. :icon_bigg