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How to know whether your relationship is good enough?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Laura27, Aug 30, 2015.

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  1. Laura27

    Laura27
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    Simple question, I am hoping to read some interesting answers. Since of course there is a reason for me asking this, I will give some context.

    If you go through my embarrassing thread history, I have asked a lot of advice on the following topic: 'lesbian in straight relationship'. I am currently dating (for 15 months now) a nice man. There is something missing, like in all of my previous heterosexual relationships. I believe this is probably because I heavily lean onto the lesbian side of the spectrum. But I want to distance this question from sexuality and labels.

    My relationship with this man is quite good. We care about each other, have similar interests, agree on all the important topics to the extreme. We even agree on having an open relationship because we see sex and love (relationship-deep-type of love) as two different things. We are intellectually equal and the sex is not too horrible. We also share a lot of our good friends. But every two months or so I am seriously contemplating whether I should stay or go because I miss the passion, the infatuation, just the false 'this is the one!'-certainty I know exists. It sometimes feels like I am acting all of this. I also sometimes despise the fact that I am in a relationship when I meet a beautiful, single woman who also happens to like women.

    BUT on the other side the love I long for is a temporary thing. Even if I broke up with him and would meet my dream girl, the passion will only last a certain time and before you know it I will annoy her with my ticks and she will annoy me by chewing her food too loud. My current boyfriend and I are in a stable, okay relationship that could last years. Don't get me wrong, I do love him and I would hate to see him hurt.

    I guess what I am asking is whether it matters if lack of strong attraction in the beginning of your relationship is a problem.
     
    #1 Laura27, Aug 30, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2015
  2. thoughtbubble

    thoughtbubble
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    Hello there,
    To start off I will mention that I recently got out of a relationship. When I read your post I felt that it could have been applied to my last relationship. There were times that I though of ending it....Everything was great but something wasnt there. Like I said, everything was great so I convinced myself that i was over analyzing everything. I should have listened to my gut. I think deep down we know the answers to our problems except we over think everything. Do what you feel is right.
     
    #2 thoughtbubble, Aug 30, 2015
  3. Laura27

    Laura27
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    Thank you for sharing your experience! Our situations are similar... And overanalyzing and overthinking is in my nature... listening to and acting upon feelings is not logical and thus harder to do. If you don't mind me asking, do you feel relieved now that you are no longer in that relationship? Could you share some details (for example did you 'know' the thing that was missing, or why was it in your opinion a reasonable relationship)? I am afraid I will regret my decision, although I now keep thinking about breaking up. Especially since we share so much friends that will probably pick his side. There is a lot on the line for me.

    ---------- Post added 30th Aug 2015 at 02:18 PM ----------

    Plus, it is hard thinking about the possibility of him distancing himself from me for always. He is the best friend I ever had. Not to have him to chat to or message whenever. Especially at times like this when I am alone and it is past midnight.
     
    #3 Laura27, Aug 30, 2015
  4. thoughtbubble

    thoughtbubble
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    I dont mind. I remember having some days that I just wanted to do it but convinced myself he was the right guy. Similar to you, he got along with my friends, we hardly argued and we had similar future goals. The thing that wasn't right was his attitude. I dint know it then, but now I see he was a pesimist. I'm an optimist and he always seemed to see the darker side of things. I remember the night we broke up. After I confronted him about it, he admitted to cheating. Once I said "I think we should brake up" I felt relieved . It was a weird feeling. I was more relieved than sad. [It was not that I did not love him, I still do].
    For me this was a great desicion. We got tested after the break up and he tested positive. I tested negative but now I have to test again in 2 months. That is why I say to listen to your gut. You don't want to be with someone out of fear that you won't find someone better. Yes, he was a great guy but I know I will find someone else.
    Make sure you ask yourself WHY you are with him. Don't stay if it is just out of habit.


    As far as staying in contact I think that depends on how you two break up. Even though he did what he did I still check on him to make sure he is still ok. Love doesn't end just because you are not together anymore. If he truly sees you as a friend too, he will sbe there for you. Just be open.
     
    #4 thoughtbubble, Aug 30, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2015
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