Wondering if anyone else (who has been closeted for a while), has found other closet-cases come out of the wood work, that led to awkward relationships. I'll share mine: When I was DEEP in the closet, I had a friendship that developed into a BROMOsexual relationship. We worked together (both 23/22yrs old), didn't really have anything in common, but for some reason... always had a deep connection. I never thought he could be gay (rides motorcycles, works on cars, super religious, BRO type) We became best friends very quickly, and moved in together (with 2 other roommates). He was a great looking guy, in great shape, girls would always be all over him, but he would never make a move. I thought he was just shy. In fact, when we would have parties, girls would always be after him, and he would essentially not do anything about it... We always had a 'flirty' sort of relationship, he was very 'touch-feely' with me, more than anyone else..but, again, but I just took it as joking around. I noticed he wasn't really like that with any of our other friends, and he always got uncomfortable when anyone else was like that with him. Then, I noticed, every time I would shower, he would find an excuse to come in the bathroom (brushing his teeth, shaving, etc...). One night we got drunk and fell asleep together. I woke up and he was spooning me. Soon, we always ended up in bed together when we were drunk, and started cuddling like a couple would. Started in clothes, then eventually boxers. We were both so deep in the closet, that neither of us were going to make the first move. It got to the point that we were sleeping together every night (not having sex, but just sleeping together/cuddling in bed). All 4 of us roommates would go to bed around the same time in our separate rooms. Then, about a half hr. later, he would come in, lie on the bed, and put his arms around me. We would just cuddle and talk. When I learned that he only really had one girlfriend before, and that he mostly did anal with her....I put the very obvious pieces of the puzzle together. At first, it was really good for me, because while I had always thought of guys sexually, I never really pictured flirting with guys or having a relationship with a guy, like I had with women. One night, when we were cuddling, I tried bringing up Gay issues. I learned he thought everyone had those urges and had to suppress them, and if you didn't, you were a sinner. I said I didn't think so, I think some people are just gay, straight or bi... there was an awkward silence, but then we just continued cuddling. We kept sleeping together at night, we would cuddle on the couch when no one else was home, we cooked for each other, we shared everything with each other on an emotional level, and even when we went on trips we would sleep together. We basically did everything a couple does except for fight and have sex. We worked out at the gym on campus all the time and would shower together. He started being more 'touchy/feely' even in the shower, but would still make jokes out of it "let me wash your back," etc... if there was no one else in the locker room. Then, one day, he jumped in the shower at home while I was showering. Still... making a joke out of it ("conserving water", etc...). It got to the point that we were showering at home all the time together. (I was definitely the cleanest I've ever been while living with him:dry I guess you convince yourself of anything when you're so deep in the closet, but we would be erect, showering together, washing each other, and still would make jokes out of it. The whole thing was like a 2 year long SNL sketch. But...he would always make homophobic comments in public. I couldn't stand not talking about it with each other. So, one day when we were working out at the gym, I brought up gay issues again (something that was in the news, but I don't remember what). I kept trying to tell him, it was okay to be gay and he said "If you don't think there's something wrong with being gay...then you're wrong". Another LONG awkward silence and stare down ensued. Soon after that conversation, I moved out. We would still hang out randomly (he even slept with me at my new place a few times). He would constantly tell me he missed me. Eventually, he ended up back with his old girlfriend for a while. When they broke it off...I moved back in with him for a few months, and we started to cuddle, sleeping together, showering thing again... but it was never going to be anything more. The day I moved back out, I left early in the morning. As I was collecting my things he came up behind me, turned me around, kissed me, and held me close. He said "I'll miss you", then ran up stairs. Since then, I've noticed other guys who identify as straight would always flirt with me, or act differently with me than other dudes, but it was always a game of who's going to break first. Humorous in retrospect. Anyway...thought I'd share and see if anyone else has had similar experiences.
@ Mickey 29 Hey there buddy. I must say, if this is true, then it is quite an interesting experience you are going through. I think many of us might find this relatable, at some point of our lives; albeit we may have managed or responded to the situation differently. But nevertheless, it is there. I experienced all this mostly during my 'younger' days, where during those vulnerable character-forming years, all of us boys began to learn about societal expectations of the male gender role: How we should behave, what is acceptable to be deemed a man, etc. I think there was a period of time where many of us feel confused, questioning, and curious at that stage, exacerbated by the drama of gender wars between boys and girls which is quite a common setting at that time. So it's not surprising that there was a time where most boys would chose to hang out and stick to each other a lot. And I think, mainly lust, sexual urge and curiosity, along with many other factors, took over and got the better of us. And then one thing lead to another. Ironically, by that time, we would have already learned about the societal expectations of the male gender role. Despite that things took place, consciously or unconsciously, I think most of us felt the burden of guilt and kept it all within ourselves because its doesn't meet societal male expectations, which I think forms most of the 'denial' habits that we see in men questioning their sexuality today. Most of us were taught to associate the event with negativity and went through constant negative reinforcement of the matter, even until today. In my case, I used to be embarrassed to say that, during those years, while experiencing the same situation as yours, I didn't handle it as emotionally mature as I would have wanted. I was a rather touchy, sensitive, impulsive, jealous, and possessive dude. Almost like an emotional time bomb to any guy who took the interest and flirt with me (not that we were going anywhere or there is anything to expect out of it). And most of the time I was the first to mentally break down (as you have mentioned) instead of the other more 'denial' guy, because I couldn't accept why everything needs to be suppressed and 'in the dark', despite the fact it was socially expected out of a man such as myself. I guess, after going through the same experiences repetitively, I just felt exhausted and decided to move out of the vicious cycle of straight-denial-closeted cases. In most cases might go by the pattern of: Sexual Tension > Curiosity > Excitement > Questioning > Clearing up the air > Moving on > Rinse & Repeat But what I am trying to say is, I think many of us will find your experience quite relatable. Thank you very much for sharing your story with us. Glad to know that we are not alone in this. At least, that is what I felt after reading your story. Cheers bruv ; ) Ben
