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Step-dad 'uncomfortable'

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Robert, Sep 5, 2015.

  1. Robert

    Robert Guest

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    Bit of a problem.

    My mother has told me that me and my partner may not sleep around her house in the same room as eachother as my step-dad has something in his history which means that he is uncomfortable with us doing so.
    I dont know what the reason is but my mum isn't homophobic and she is 100% supportive of my sexuality and as me of a person... So i know that whatever happened to my step-dad in his past has to be pretty intense for my mum to accept that I shouldn't be allowed to sleep in the same room as my partner around her house.

    My partner accepts completely that its my step-dads house and that he shouldn't feel uncomfortable in his own home but he now feels uncomfortable being around my step-dad as he thinks my step-dad is uncomfortable with him altogether.
    My partner is also not a very confident person (especially when it comes to my family) and he basically now thinks that he is making my whole family feel uncomfortable.

    Its a very awkward situation for my partner and, to be honest, I am just really upset that he doesn't feel fully accepted. He has tried so hard to be good and loyal to my family and he is always the first person to tell me to go and visit them or to apologise if I fight with them.

    I dont know what to do... or even if there is anything to do.

    Has anyone had any experience with anything like this?
     
  2. Lin1

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    I don't have any experience with this situation but I think I would just have a chat with my boyfriend, explain to him that '' it's not about him, it's about something much deeper that happened to my step-dad and that I don't want him (my bf) to feel rejected or unloved by my family as it's not the case." I would emphasis on the fact that he is more than welcome into my house and that my mother as well as my stepdad are both supportive of our relationship but that my step dad just have a small problem with us sharing a bed.

    This kind of thing happen even in straight relationships. It has nothing to do with the relationship itself more with how comfortable parents are about having their children in the same room as their partner, so I would make sure my boyfriend get that and make sure he feels welcome when he is there. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Robert

    Robert Guest

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    But my step-dad would be fine with me sleeping in the same room as my parner ifmy partner was a woman...
     
  4. C P

    C P
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    Is there any chance that you could get to talk one-on-one with your step dad to see if he could give you at least some insight on this 'history'(if you already haven't)?

    If he at least allows him over(even if not in 'couple mode'), I'd hope that it would seem to be a chance that you could pick for some info. You could even say that it makes you a bit uncomfortable as well because it sounds like it could be making the whole situation a bit...awkward.
     
  5. xxCHAOTIC

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    I think him being apprehensive about the two of you sharing a bed under your parent's roof is... normal, really. And he might say that he'd be fine if it was a woman, but part of me doubts that would really be the case.

    If he hasn't made it clear what this "something" is in his history, I'd be hesitant to go prying at it. It very likely is something very serious that he isn't ready to discuss, which would be why he's "taking it out" on you. Given the circumstances I think the implications are... heavy.

    A talk with him is definitely in order, but I'd make it clear that he doesn't need to tell you what happened if he doesn't feel comfortable with it. And suggest that he speak with your boyfriend on his own to make sure he knows that he's still welcome and accepted, he just has a hangup that has nothing to do with him.
     
  6. C P

    C P
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    I guess that would depend though on exactly what this history involves, if ya get what I mean.

    I do agree with this, just forgot to slip it into my reply. He obviously isn't obligated to delve into something like this if he doesn't want to for whatever reason, but, yeah, a talk should definitely be considered to help ease everyone involved.
     
  7. Lin1

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    I agree with xxCHAOTIC... the issue seem pretty serious and to be fair this is already amazing you have such supportive parents. Most parents wouldn't let their son/daughter sleep with their partner under the same roof as them regardless of their sexuality and of the gender of their son's/daughter's partner. I don't see your situation any different from an hetero couple whose parents would be against them sharing a bed under their roof. It sucks but at the end of the day, it's their house hence their rules.

    In your case I think something pretty bad happened to your step dad and I don't think it would be very fair to push it. Maybe ask him or your mother to have a chat with your boyfriend like others suggested to establish that he is still very welcome under their roof and to spend the night, just not in the same room.

    It shouldn't be a big deal and if you explain the situation to your boyfriend he should understand that it's not about him but about your step-dad's past. I would totally understand if my girlfriend (or my boyfriend) told me that their parents weren't comfortable about us sharing a bed and wouldn't take it personally. Some are liberal to a certain extent. I know I am allowed to sleep with girls as my parents assume I am straight but I am pretty sure guys aren't allowed and girls wouldn't either if they knew I was bi. Sucks since I am 20, but it's their comfort zone and don't really see it as homophobic or anything like that.
     
  8. wisefolly

    wisefolly Guest

    While I understand it depends on the household whether unmarried couples are allowed to sleep in the same room, the reason behind your particular situation is just really odd, which in turn makes your partner feel uncomfortable. The mystery surrounding this "history" makes the situation uncomfortable. This was my thought process:

    Parents forbid, in their house, unmarried adult child from sleeping with partner in the same room because:
    1) Adult child and partner are not married and unmarried sex under our roof is unacceptable.
    2) ANY possibility that adult child might have sexual relations mere feet away is too horrid to think about and must be prevented, regardless of orientation or marital status.

    To cut to chase here: parents who have this rule don't want their adult children to have sex in their (the parent's) house. I'm assuming they assume you're having sex with this partner outside of the house, and that's all fine and dandy as long as it's done off somewhere else.

    You can't really know if it would be different if you were married to this partner, in which case if the prohibition still applies then it could still be either/or: he doesn't want you and ANY partner sleeping in the same room for fear of SEX happening, or he doesn't want you and ANY male partner sleeping in the same room for fear of SEX happening. If marriage makes it acceptable then no problem.

    But since being unmarried wasn't cited as the concern, that's not the problem.

    Since you can't really know if it would be different if you were straight and the partner were a woman it's moot to speculate.

    That leaves the weird reasoning behind the decision: some mysterious incident from the past. Instead of just saying "Look, we'd prefer you guys to sleep in separate rooms because of moral or religious reasons" that'd be fine if there were some history of enforcing moral or religious rules (and that weren't based on outright homophobia).

    If there's no history of that kind, then it'd be just as fine if they said, euphemistically or not, "We're not comfortable with the idea of you guys sharing a bed/room because you might touch each other and have orgasms." Prudish, yes, but I guess also understandable, though difficult and awkward to explain. (If the parents are grossed out by the idea of their kids having sex, kids are just as grossed out by the idea of their parents having sex, but that didn't stop parents none, I'm sure.) I still think it weird to proactively prohibit even the possibility of an act that you don't actually know will or will not happen in a room that you're not in. I mean, is this a worry that will keep the parent up at night? "I wonder if they're doing... it... right now?"

    If so then eww.

    So, again, the mysterious incident. If this stepparent has no religious or moral objection to two adults sharing a bed/room and is solely based on this "something in his history"... it really really REALLY makes me wonder: What the hell is this incident and what exactly is he objecting to? The possibility of any sex, unmarried sex, or gay sex?

    What thing could have happened in his past that would make him so uncomfortable about two adults in a relationship sleeping in the same bed/room under his roof? It wasn't explained by your mom as "We're just uncomfortable with the idea", it was explicitly stated that your step-dad's history makes him uncomfortable with that situation.

    Which is really really strange, in my eyes. I mean, I imagine him walking in on some household guests as a kid and catching them in the act, covering his eyes and yelling out:

    "My eyes! Pre-marital sex has burned my eyes!"
    or
    "My eyes! Sex has burned my eyes!"
    or
    I don't even know what else.

    I think I've made my point, gone on too long.
     
  9. Lin1

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    Or you could imagine something much more sinister like some male guest (or relative) abusing him in his sleep as a kid... Whatever his '' past history'' or experience is, it's not ours to assume and is his to reveal or not to his step-son.

    I have personally been victim of sexual abuse in my youth (under my parents roof) and it definitely will impact the way I raise my children and while I may not become overly protective with my children I will probably be much more cautious about sleepovers etc...

    But at the end of the day, regardless of the reason behind the refusal, OP still lives under his parent's roof and therefore must abide by their rules.

    I just wanted to point that out because I found the end of your post a bit too light-hearted and almost slightly offensive.
     
  10. wisefolly

    wisefolly Guest

    Not at all my intention to be offensive. Catching people (or godforbid parents) in the act isn't uncommon but I don't see how that can carry over to preventing other adults from staying in the same room when they visit.

    I also don't see how 2 adults sleeping in a room together could relate to, say, being molested as a child. Especially since one of the adults is his son and the other the son's adult partner. Are there children in the house he thinks will be directly affected by his gay son and his partner sleeping together in a room? Does he think one or both of them will molest these children? That's a little insulting, and besides the "danger" would still be there whether or not they slept in the same room or not. What does sleeping in the same room have to do with anything?

    Does he think he'll be molested by the son or partner? I hope that's as ridiculous as it sounds.

    You're right in that he has every right to uphold whatever rules for whatever reasons he has in his home. But that doesn't mean it isn't odd that an unnamed and unexplained event is making a not so awkward situation into an awkward situation by referencing it as the very cause of the rule rather than just saying "I don't want you guys in the same room at night alone together because no."

    I'm sorry for what happened to you and I'm sure as a parent you will be vigilant in protecting your children. I'm sure this stepdad does the same to protect his son but considering his son and partner are now adults in an adult relationship I'm not sure I see a connection between that and the sleeping separately vs sleeping apart thing.

    Sorry if I've strayed too far from the OP's question and intention, this was me just over-analyzing the situation.
     
  11. Lin1

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    I missed the part where it was specifically explained that the OP was an adult ( I haven't had a deep look at his profile though) . If that's the case the matter is different but regardless of that, I still believe the fact that the OP should accept the rules. Surely if he is an adult, he can sleep with his partner in many other places at other times. I can see why this can lead to an 'uncomfortable position' for his partner but I reckon he should just try and treat it as a case of 'extremely conservative parents who don't want their kids to have sex' instead of of something personal against him.
     
  12. wisefolly

    wisefolly Guest

    Yeah, I hope the partner can see it that way too.
     
  13. Robert

    Robert Guest

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    Its personal aganst me because my step-dad has allowed my brothers to have their girlfriends around to sleep.
    The reason why I am not allowed to sleep in the same room as my partner in their house is because we are in a gay relationship.
     
  14. Blue787Bunny

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    At this point this statement is mere speculation as your mother had not indicated that this was the case. And it fact it contradicts your statement that it would have been something "pretty intense" for your mother to accept your stepfather's terms. Until your mother has actually expounded on the topic there is no basis to say that your stepfather would be fine if your partner were a woman.

    Let me explain this in the context of your THEORY that the set father may have been sexually molested or abused as a child. In our practice of Psychiatry we call this Psychological Projection, the stepfather if indeed he had suffered from past history of sexual molestation is unable to address this personal crisis causing great stress, anxiety and unpleasant impulses. Therefor as a Defense Mechanism to protect a fragile Ego and his sense of self, his mind has subconsciously denied the existence of this feelings. These feelings may include thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings that cannot be accepted as his own and are dealt with by being attributed to someone else, namely the OP and his partner. Psychological Projection is not indiscriminately done, it looks for an element already present in the person(s), the object of the Projection and merely magnifies this element. Such as but is not limited to the fact that the stepfather is male and the OP is male and the molester could have been male while the OP’s partner is also male.

    Let us not be quick to judge or dismiss the feelings, emotions and thoughts of a sexual abuse victim. Psychiatry is unlike any other medical field because unlike physical conditions or diseases, there is no “box” where you can fit every sign, symptom and reaction that a mental health patient can manifest. Each person is unique, as each goes through a unique experience unlike any other. We cannot simply say your perception is invalid precisely because we have not lived through the experience of being sexually abused ourselves.

    Again all the above mentioned is purely THEORETICAL since the OP has not discussed with his mother the actual reason behind “the stepfather’s past”, all we can do for now is speculate…

    In saying that Psychological Projection is not limited to being a possible sexual abuse victim. It may also include such possibilities that the stepfather himself was the molester or the stepfather has had same-sex experience in the past. In this case feelings and thoughts of conscience and guilt are the ones Psychologically Projected. Again all these are purely speculation.

    The best way for the OP to address the problem is to explain to your partner what you had told us. Your mother is 100% supportive of your sexuality and you as a person. If your stepfather’s issue has had anything to do with that then your mother wouldn’t have had accepted his terms. A better way to address the problem is to actually ask your mom what the actual reason was, aside from the vague “stepfather’s past”. If she refuses to divulge though it is perfectly within her right as the issue and terms agreed upon was made between her and your stepfather and solely between them, as actual owners of the house.
     
  15. wisefolly

    wisefolly Guest

    Ah, that does clear that up. And in light of Blue787Bunny's informative take on the possible reasons behind your step-dad's decision making process...

    I have no idea. If he's prohibiting you from doing what he has let your straight brothers do... that's not very fair. And it makes sense why your partner feels the way he does. I'd be offended too without a clearer explanation (aside from the fact whether or not an explanation is owed---I wouldn't be able to help feel anything but offended with the unexplained double standard).

    Tough situation.