OK. this is a long post so please bare with me The situation I'm in at the moment is very troublesome and is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. Some background information is needed to understand: I am a 17 year old black british male from a staunch religious family and I am currently at college/6Form. From about 12 I realised I had attractions to people of the same gender and to cut a long story short during my teenage years I had a few encounters with other guys my age who were also bi/gay. One of them was a guy who I will call GuyB. GuyB at the time was suffering from depression and anxiety and I was his only friend during part of his secondary school career. We had frequent sexual experiences and experimentation together from about 13. Fast forward to about age 16 he got himself sorted and found a very supportive group of friends who accepted him which led to him eventually coming out as bisexual. I however was and still am in a circle which does not tolerate homosexuality of any kind at all and truthfully felt happy for GuyB but at the same time deeply threatened by GuyB's new found secruity and support as bisexual as this meant he could possibly out me which I stress would have the most severe repercussions at home and within my friendship circle. I told GuyB this and that under no circumstances could he tell anyone that we have been involved sexually or that I am not straight as it would be serious for me and I would be in danger, social ruin and fundamentally am not comfortable with my sexuality at the current moment. He seemed to understand but a few months later he told me he had told his two close female friends who went to a nearby girls school that I was not straight and that we had (i will not go into details) had sex. i was very shocked and worried by this and tbf I felt betrayed as I had helped GuyB and stood by him when no one else would and when he was close to suicide. I however urged GuyB to tell his two friends not to spread this more and to keep it a secret at all costs. GuyB seemed to understand my reasons and my fear and told me it would never get out and if it did he would deny it. I tried to move on and pushed it to the back of my mind but fast forward to a few days ago now in college with all my friends who are deeply homophobic and GuyB and his two female friends who know the secret, I hear that GuyB has told people about a sexual experience he had with another guy who I had known (but was not at the college), inadvertently outing him. This deeply panicked me and I have not spoken to GuyB as he (and his female friends who awkwardly avoid eye contact with me) seems to be moving a bit funny towards me but I am severely worried that he might tell a few more other people about me and him which would spread and inadvertently out me and lead to complete social ruin and rejection (and possibly violence from my absent father and one specific homophobic 'friend' ) from my anti gay family. I really regret having anything to do with GuyB sexually and wish I could rewind time. What should I do? Does anyone think it is okay to out a closeted person? Also: please understand I am not 'stereotypically gay' so if it came out it would be a shock and devastating - i would be labelled, ostracised and it would impact my family members who are at college nearby. Leaving my friendship circle isnt really an option. One of my friends is so deeply homophobic he has spoken about violence to homosexuals which i have said i would never endorse. this situation isn't safe for me and worries me. I admire GuyB's (and any out person) confidence in himself but I am not there yet and my family situation etc does not allow me to come out anytime soon and also I do not feel ready or comfortable. I have kept comforting myself with the thought only a heartless f*ck would out me but GuyB can be unpredictable at times and not understand that not everyone is as fortunate as him to have a support network. This is depressing me and distracting me from everything. I need help.
Well... That's a bit of a pickle =/ You can't control the action of this GuyB fellow. You've made you case and explained your situation to him, and that's all you can do on that front honestly. If he decides to be the world's biggest douchebag and talk, than you'll have to deal with the repricussions of that. I honestly hope that he isn't that much of a jerk to just blab away about you, but some people cannot keep their mouth shut at all, and you make him sound like the type. For now he hasn't said anything so letting yourself get stressed out about it isn't going to do you any favors. I would suggest you find a way to calm yourself and your nerves and get into a better state of mind. I'd also highly recommend you start looking into your options should you become outed. If you're this concerned he might out you it wouldn't hurt to look for a place to turn in case it does ultimately happen. I think outing someone who isn't ready is a pretty messed up thing to do, it just causes a lot of pain and suffering most of the time. You shouldn't ever force someone out of the closet, but assholes are gonna be just that and do whatever they want.
One only way... Spoiler KILL GUYB. Anyway, this asshole is seriously dangerous... I think you have to try being 'friends' with him as much as possible to not make him talk. If you don't do that he could start telling people about you because he stops caring. I recommend this, though: Spoiler BURY HIM ALIVE.
Thanks very much Phioo and Simple Thoughts for your replies. I keep thinking of what I could do if I did get outed but I'm being realistic and sadly it would mean a complete change in circumstances and pure unhappiness and distress. Yes there would be people to turn to but still I think the damage would be too much as there are other things I can't reveal for privacy. And yes Phioo sadly that's one solution I have though about. To appease him and try and remain friends with him as long as possible. But I am at this college for another 22 months or something and he is already behaving funny towards me so I feel he doesn't value me as much anymore because of his new friends which he now sees 24/7, so I feel him telling a few people about me is inevitable and I have to sort it somehow. I really do agree that the moment he stops caring about me he will feel more inclined to out me so I am trying to keep on his good side but that's no way for me to continue living for 22 months. Also: GuyB considers himself a spokesman for LGBT+ so I try and find reassurance that no self respecting LGBT+ person would out me in my current situation and with knowledge of all the possible consequences… - I don't know if that's just me clutching at straws.
Well GuyB being a spokesperson for LGBT issues ( at least in his own head ) can go one way or the other. It could work in that he's extra cautious about what he does/doesn't say to respect people in your position, OR he'll speak openly and unashamedly about his own sexual experiences without even bothering to consider anyone else because he thinks that shows how proud he is of being LGBT. I can't promise you this guy will do the right thing because I have no way to know. You just need to start thinking up a backup plan in case he does and cross your fingers that he doesn't. "Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst" ya know?
Thanks SimpleThoughts. You've helped. I sadly fear the latter outcome is more likely - that he'll speak openly because he is very open about his sexual experiences - sometimes embarrasingly open and graphic as if he is trying to match the openness displayed by hetero peers and quash heterosexism (which I do admire but when I could be outed in the process it is highly unnerving and worrying). I'm trying to calm myself and think clearly. Maybe I'll talk to him tomorrow at college or I'll wait it out. So scared :tears:
I'd say talk to him about it again. It might help make it very clear that if he does say anything about you it's going to only do harm to you. It won't empower you, or make you stronger, it'll just cause you a lot of pain and suffering and that if he really cares about LGBT issues he'll have the respect to not talk about you. I really hate people who are overly graphic about their sex lives. I don't even like talking about sex at all, and I hate when people get way too into the details I'm like "Come on, no one wants to hear that shit"
Thank you for your reply I replied to it earlier in the thread (but didnt quote you) . ---------- Post added 6th Sep 2015 at 09:09 AM ---------- Thank you I will try talking to him again tomorrow or next week. I have tried so many times before to stress to him that he will actually ruin me and finish me if he tells anyone about my sexuality at this moment in time. He seemed to understand it back then but still his general behaviour and demeanour seems risky and blasé regarding my privacy. I feel he takes his situation for granted and is quite inconsiderate. And yes I understand that lol. Thanks you;ve helped a lot. I hope these next 22 months go by quickly... :bang::dry:
