I need to help my boyfriend! How!?

The best thing you can probably do is next time you get the chance, sit down with him and talk about what's going on. listen to him and get him to listen to you, keep it calm and collected so that nothing goes out of control because that will get nothing done. But sit down find out what's bugging him and let him know how you feel as well. let him know that you still care about him and that you want to work things out. That's probably your best bet from my point of view.

 

Judging by how fucked up his family is I'd say it makes sense that he's going nuts especially 'cause he's probably keeping everything inside him.
I think he just needs someone to talk to and I'm pretty sure that that someone is you.

 

Ah, I've seen this before so many times.

I know you feel bad for him and want to help him, but you need to let go. I've had similar problems. My best friend was extremely depressed and was always moody. Every time we went out, he would give that depressed look. He would also send me pictures of him self harming himself or any cuts he got when he tripped. You can't do anything about it, there is nothing you can do. I know you might disagree on this, but it's the best thing to do right now. Never get involved with someone like that. They with bring you down(obviously), and hurt you enough to where it gets bad and you will get depressed. trust me, I've seen this before in real life situations, not tv show ones. You're in an abusive relationship now, and you need to get out of there before you start going down with him.

 

I understand what you mean, but I meant kind of...give him a break for awhile. Or at least try to talk about all of this stuff. Just be aware that he will always keep telling you and showing you his moods. He's not doing it for attention(my friend was though), but he will keep being really moody towards you. Just try not to take anything he says seriously(even though that can be really hard when it's coming from a loved one). Tell him about his actions and the words he's using are really mean. Tell him that you care for him and want to help, but he's got to stop all of this jealousy/moody type stuff.

 

Sorry SC but I'm gonna have to disagree don't leave him right away. That said you can't let him bully you either tell him that you don't want to hear anymore insults, make sure that he knows that what he is say is hurting you and get him to talk. After you do get him to talk then make a decision on whether to stay with him or leave him.

 

I can tell your boyfriend has a lot on his plate right now. Having a family member with a mental illness is not easy and depending on the level of involvement your boyfriend has with his dad can make him go in a downward spiral. Obviously this has made the relationship go in that direction as well. It is true that when one person has a lot going for them and another person is struggling, it can be hard to share joys with one another. What is your life dream? I hope someone around you is excited as you are to pursue it!
The things your boyfriend is saying to you when you communicate is not acceptable. These things are hurtful, verbally abusive which needs to stop. He does need help, perhaps more help than what EC alone can do for him. He is definitely hurting inside with his past of being raped, and his father struggling with mental illness. I think it’s wonderful you have supported him in the past, I understand the two of you have a very strong bond. I am afraid the relationship is not healthy and if he is unable to heal from his past and cope with his present than this relationship is going to be over.
If this were me, I would speak to him about the hurtful things he says to you. Let him know these things are not acceptable. Understand he is under a lot of stress and being around a parent who struggling with mental illness is very draining and is affecting the relationship you two have. If he is willing to receive professional help than I would continue the relationship if you truly love him and want to be with him. However if he is not willing to receive help than this relationship should end. Be very firm with him. If you are in it for the long haul than he needs to learn how to communicate what is going on and ensure he is taking care of himself. He definitely owes you some apologies.

 

You guys should go to counseling together

 

You should talk to him about how his insults make you feel, but right now doesn't seem like the time for that. He's clearly going through a lot and is pushing you away because he's very stressed. Whatever is making him do this, maybe he needs time to just chill out and think about things. If I were you, I'd give him some space but also let him know either through text or talking to him, whatever works, that even though he's going through a lot and you guys fought you will always be there for him no matter what and you just want him to be okay. Just remind him of that, so he doesn't feel like he completely drove you away and can't turn to you for help when he's ready for it.
I hope this helps and I wish you guys all the best<3

 

Yeah, I understand. I disagreed with myself as well, because what I meant came out wrong :bang:. Ah, so embarrassing honestly, especially since I hate making a fool out of myself on advice threads. *Falls on floor and covers myself with a sheet* Anyway, I agree with most of these users. Go talk to him man, this relationship is worth fighting for. *Cue the music*

 

Ok I'm going to give you insurance on your boyfriends behalf.

God these comments are all hating on him through some words said and yeah they were bad but everyone lashes out don't they? Yes if he continues maybe couple counseling. Another way is just take it let him release all his anger then talk to him. I've been a situation Wher I've been so angry and depressed I wanted to run away and cried every night. Now that's my way of doing it crying, maybe his is just anger he has had some tough stuff happen on his side of the family. The best thing you can do is let him know you support him, do all the things he loves about you. Bring him breakfeast in bed, roses, etc etc. you just need to stay with him through this.

 

It sounds like instead of going to you for comfort and support he's dumping his sadness and problems on you in the form of his abusive behaviour. Ask him what he really wants you to do? How can he be a good boyfriend to you if he's trying to hold you back from living your dream and I think you are at least trying to be supportive but you cant do magic. :dry: I think you should just take a break from him.

 

The level of help that your boyfriend needs is beyond what you or any boyfriend can give. There is no doubt in my mind or anyone else's in this thread that you want to be a good boyfriend and you want to love and support him. However, it is important that you realize the limitations of your abilities to truly counsel someone in this situation. There is inherent bias from your feelings towards him and underlying problems in your own relationship that make this a bigger challenge for you to be able to effectively help him. He needs external help from therapy and someone trained to deal with these kinds of emotional issues. There is a place in a relationship for love and support, but in my mind there is an important line that needs to be drawn when a boyfriend becomes a punching bag/therapist.

I am not saying to stay with him, or leave him; only to reconsider the impact your counsel is actually having and to evaluate whether or not an additional source of support is required. The fact is, you are in an abusive relationship and it isn't going to resolve on its own as his issues will likely persist. First and foremost you need to consider your own mental health, particularly since you are very motivated to achieve your own goals and dreams. I think the best way you can help him right now is to love him and support him as a boyfriend, and ensure he gets the outside help that he needs to help manage his situation.

 

Hi I would like to give my insight it may not be the best to hear but I believe you need to hear it nonetheless...

Sexual abuse damaged your boyfriend’s sense of sexuality, it messed with his sense intimacy. The aftermath of which is difficulty in fostering and maintaining healthy adult relationships. These include increased instability in relationships, an increased risk of sexual problems and greater negativity towards partners, namely you. Sexual abuse survivors may not be able to allow closeness in intimate relationships. The partners chosen may reflect abuse dynamics, such as choosing a partner that can protect oneself, or a partner that one can take off. Also it seems that your boyfriend is suffering from Dismissing Attachment, as an aftermath of Sexual Abuse and manifests as a lack of self-confidence, discomfort with intimacy, loneliness, and hostility.

As a victim he tries to get into grips with his emotions and feelings. And the way you do this is by controlling that one aspect of your life that he didn’t have control of during his abuse... Sense of Powerlessness. So it manifests itself by imposing on himself that he is in control now and nobody can tell him otherwise. Having been abused somehow conditioned him that intimacy is not about love; it is about Power and who yields it. Intimacy no longer holds value. As a Survivor of Sexual Abuse, he has confused Power with Love, and feels the need to exert “power” on his intimate partner (you) because that is the way he was conditioned to believe how life works.

In this type of psychological set up, he has set it upon you to restore his life to order, his self-esteem. And you have just set yourself up as a willing victim of this vicious cycle of abuse. This need to be with him, to save him in hopes that he would love you back, just as much as you love him. In a way your being there for him has just fed into his dysfunctional psyche--- the disrespect he gives you, the disregard, the unconcern, the verbal attacks. All these serves to reinforce that your value is not equal to his.

You boyfriend and his Victim Mentality, leads him to believe that he is a victim of everything in his life--- the rape, the mentally ill father, having a partner who’s more successful than him, etc. Having this Victim Mentality, subconsciously reinforces his desire to have a victim of his own to prove his “worth”. If his partner proves to be submissive, he in turn feels better about himself. Every time you come running back to him, this is proof that you love him as he equates submissiveness with love. And the more submissive you show, the more value he feels about himself.

This is where it needs to stop. The cycle of abuse can only stop if you stop playing the role of a victim, if you stop convincing yourself that you are the “savior” he needs. If you have carefully read the passages I had written above you would realize that what you are in basically is “False Love”, this struggle between Power-Submissiveness being mistaken for Love. And because it is false love, can you ever comply enough? When will the submissiveness be enough?

Wanting to help is a noble cause, truly it is. However by feeding his dysfunctional concept of love and intimacy, you only serve to validate this pathologic cycle. Is it truly your role in life to “save him”? Ask yourself YOUR VALUE, let go of the belief that you have to be his savior. Do you believe that you can love all of these away? Can you ever make a Cycle of Abuse work in the long run? Learn to let go and when it is time to walk away.