Ha ha I'm confused (first girlfriend, hoo boy)

I really didn't know what to title this. I feel really all over the place.

Knew this girl for about two years. Best friends ever. First time I found someone who I really wanted to be around 24/7. She never bothered me, never got on my nerves, never wore out her welcome. First time I met someone, and I cared about whether or not they liked me as much as I liked them, the first time I cared what another person thought. About a year ago, I moved back in with my parents, about two hours from her. Lost my mind missing her. Wondered if I liked her as more than a friend. Lost sleep, couldn't eat, sometimes got physically ill worrying over my feelings for her and missing her like crazy. She visits Christmas 2014. Out of my head. Keep wanting to kiss her, hug her from behind, be cute as hell. Held the feelings in, visit went well. She went back to her town a few hours away. I'm still crazy thinking about her. She'd sometimes make jokes about us eloping, and my heart would explode, and I'd think, "Man, you gotta me more blunt with me; if you're suggesting something, then tell me!" In March 2014, got around to listening to a playlist she'd made me for Christmas (my life has been busy lately) -- they're all romantic, gay songs and I'm like "!!!!!!!!!! Is she telling me something? For real???" Lost my mind all over again. Finally told her how I feel via text message (poorly executed, but I was out of my head for a number of reasons and felt time was of the essence). Her response was along the lines of "holy shit I like you too but give me time to process this." End of her work day, we discuss it via text and we feel good about dating each other. She admits that while she didn't mean to make that playlist romantic, she did intend to tell me about her feelings for me that Christmas, but my family was acting up and drama got in the way, and she didn't feel the time was right. So we're kinda dating.

But it's been kind of weird and awkward. She's never dated a girl. I've never dated anyone. I've never kissed anyone, never had sex -- this is all new territory for me. And I'm from a conservative hometown, and I'm having all these feelings that i'm doing something wrong, that I shouldn't be gay, that's it' bad, blah blah. And I think I'm bi, and so my brain keeps telling me I should be with a man, not a woman, and on and on and on.

My girlfriend is five years older than me, and she seems to be much more comfortable with us dating; she's been out to her family for several years and has support from her gay aunt. She's supportive of me, but I can't help but feel like I'm holding us, as a couple, back with all my worries, and I wish I could just loosen up and go with the flow. I'm also adjusting to thinking of her as my girlfriend and not just my best friend. And I like thinking of her that way, but it's just bizarre to kind of re-meet her in a romantic way, or something. I always thought I'd wait until I was done with college and out in the world before I worried about dating, etc, but this girl just sneaked into my heart and now there she is and I'm not sure how to handle it.

We're taking it very slow, haven't kissed or anything. Cuddle some while watching Netflix. I keep wanting to hold her hand when we go walking but I'm afraid to, and I worry she wont' like holding hands. And as far as kissing her, I keep waiting for an opportunity to present itself, but I don't know. I'm so nervous and I don't know if she wants me to take the lead or what; we've kind of talked about it and how comfortable we are (we're rather blunt people, honestly), and she made it sound like she wants to try making out and fooling around, but she's going to let me take the lead, and I'm always just so anxious about it that I never do anything, and I feel like there's something wrong with me and I worry I'm afraid of commitment, etc. Part of me just wants to be like "hey you wanna try that kiss now" but part of me is like "that's so unromantic, don't do that."

I alternate between being very happy that I told her how I feel, and feeling like I've made a terrible mistake in telling her before I know my orientation, etc. Like I really do love her, I'm crazy about her, but part of me is telling me I'm messing up. I'm so scared of hurting her. I'm so scared I'm going to realize I'm straight and then I'll have to break up with her. I wish I had waited to tell her, until I got some experience under my belt, had a few flings with both men and women and seen what I think. I don't know. I don't have anyone to talk to about this -- I'm not out to my parents or hometown friends, and I'm not comfortable talking to my online friends, to whom I am out, about this.

My brother is straight and says he goes through this kind of thing with his short term girlfriends -- he's constantly breaking up with girls. He says it's because he over thinks, and maybe this over thinking is genetic. My mom's side of the family is quite neurotic and has many exciting mental things going on, so maybe this is just how my brain is and I need to just relax. I don't know.

I'm sorry if this is kind of all over the place; I tried to tidy it up and make it readable.