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In Love with my Best Friend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Bear320, Sep 16, 2015.

  1. Bear320

    Regular Member

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    Hi everyone.

    So I'm new to this forum and I have a really complicated and unique situation that I need help with. I'm an 18 year old guy and I am fairly confident that I am bisexual. I have only ever dated girls, but I have been with both girls and boys before.

    I made a really close guy friend last year. I'm going to call him Ben for the sake of anonymity. We met last October at a friends house. Long story short, we grew really close very quickly. I'm going to skip over a lot of stuff but I can add more details later. It was around February when I started to realize that I was falling in love with him. He went away for our school break and we spoke every day while he was away even though he was about seven hours ahead.

    While he was gone I started to notice how much I missed him and cared about him. I felt this not only in a platonic way but also a physical way. So a few months passed and we both went away for Spring break. In between these two vacations we spoke pretty much every day. We would spend hours on the phone or in person and we never went a day without talking. One night I stayed up until 5:30 am on the phone with him. We were and still are pretty inseparable.

    So along came Spring break, and we both went away. We stayed in touch as usual and it had gotten to the point where I needed to tell him how I felt. So we had a very long conversation and he told me he was in love with me too, except he is straight. So here begins the issue. He loves me just as much as I love him except he doesn't love me romantically.

    Ever since then we've been saying I love you to each other all of the time and doing things like holding hands, etc. Nothing serious. We've talked a lot about how we feel towards each other so I know he's sure about being straight. Recently I've been really struggling though. I have an extremely hard time when he is with someone else romantically. I don't get jealous which surprises me but I do definitely get hurt initially by it even though I shouldn't. It just makes me feel sad and lonely.

    My parents don't know, but they suspect and they really aren't nice to me about it. They tell me he isn't healthy for me because they know he isn't straight. But what he and I have is very special. So right now what I'm struggling with is finding ways to cope with my feelings because right now even though he is here for me I find myself feeling very alone in terms of my feelings. Can anyone give me advice on how to overcome my sadness and loneliness? It's been hard for me to sleep because I've been having really intense dreams about him lately and I just need this to stop. I don't want my feelings towards him to change but I need to learn how to cope better.

    Thank you.
     
  2. Gravity

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    I don't want to appear like I'm policing his statements, because that's not my goal at all - but, I have to say, if he's sticking to the straight label, but also holding hands with you, telling you he loves you, and generally acknowledging an attraction...then I have to wonder how "straight" he really is. Of course, I can't discount the fact that he may be struggling with his own identity and determining where his feelings will lead him. It's possible that he's just not ready to make a decision on whether or not his feelings for men could have extended to men other than you.

    I say this mostly because it's not unheard of for men to come out as they start dating another man, and for a while at first it's "safer" (so to speak) to make it about just that other guy. Less to face up to, or a more gradual way to face up to things, as it were.

    But, in any case. Ultimately, he's the only one who can make the call on labels/identity. My general suggestion would be that if you're comfortable with the way things are right now, then enjoy the relationship for what it is, without needing it to change for you to be happy in it. If, on the other hand, this really is creating enough doubt and hurt feelings for you - and you really do feel alone in this relationship - then it wouldn't be unreasonable to have an honest conversation with him about this. And if he can't give you back the sort of feelings you need to feel secure, then it's okay to say it's not working for you, too.

    Let him know how you feel - see what he can offer you.