1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to find out if someone I like is really gay?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by hockeyplayer45, Sep 17, 2015.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. hockeyplayer45

    hockeyplayer45
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2015
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi all, it's been a while since I used these forms, but I'm in a rather complicated situation right now and I can use some advice.

    First off, I will start by saying that I have made great progress since last time posting here, all within a matter of a month or so! I've come out to two of my closest friends and also my therapist. I know it's not a lot, but at least I have the ball rolling right now!

    Anyway, here is my situation. There is a guy in one of my classes this semester who I'm starting to have a crush on. He's very good looking and very masculine, and I honestly never would expect he's gay. Although I'm in the same situation: very masculine minus the good looks lol. I do not project my sexuality at all, so I really don't think he'd have any idea I'm gay. Well earlier tonight, I decided to sign up for an online dating website, and guess who I find on it? That's right, he had a full profile that said he was gay and only interested in men.

    At first I was skeptical because I know a lot of guys around campus sign their friends up for these things without them knowing as a prank, but his profile was so in depth I really don't think anyone would take the time to be so elaborate for a prank.

    Now my next concern, a big one, is that it said he hasn't been active in a few months, which leads me to believe he probably found someone and is currently in a closeted relationship. Now of course when I saw him walking around campus with a guy earlier tonight I automatically got myself all let down figuring that's his boyfriend :/

    I need to know what steps I should take to find out the answers to both of these questions! I already creeped his Facebook, yes I know that makes me sound crazy, but it was all I could think of, and he has no pics of him with any significant others of either gender it doesn't seem. What do you think I could try next? I mean we talk in class at times but never really see each other out of class. I was thinking of adding him just to get him to notice me, but I don't know what to do after that?

    Like I said, we're both very masculine so I doubt he has any idea about me being gay, and the only hint I have is his old profile. Ive already wasted too much of my college career hiding in the closet and avoiding finding a relationship, and I don't want to miss another chance, but at the same time, I don't want to just immediately ask him and risk making for an extremely awkward remainder of the semester. Can anyone steer me in the right direction of how to proceed?
     
    #1 hockeyplayer45, Sep 17, 2015
  2. AKTodd

    AKTodd
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    So, if I'm understanding you correctly your two questions boil down to:

    a) Is this guy actually gay/bi?

    b) Is he already in a relationship?

    As far as the latter, I'm not sure there's any way to actually find that out without getting to know him well enough for that to come up in conversation (simply seeing him walking around with a guy doesn't tell you anything, really - even seeing him making out with a guy wouldn't tell you if he was in a relationship - although it would answer the first question).

    As far as the former - and assuming just flat out coming out to him is not an option just yet - would casually kinda/sorta coming out to him in a roundabout way be an option? I realize the whole coming out thing is still in early days for you, but just to throw it out there - if you were to mention that you had to get to a meeting of the campus LGBT group (saw you joined in your other thread) that would indicate to him you are either gay or an ally.

    If he reacts positively you come out - if he seems negative or weirded out spin it that you're an ally (which is/was your story when you joined in any case). If he reacts negatively to the idea of you even being a straight ally - it's questionable (IMHO) that he's someone you would want a relationship with, either because his profile is a prank or he's so deep in the closet that he's not at a point where he could necessarily handle your ongoing coming out process.

    Coming at this from another direction, you could mention that somebody showed you his profile and mention that its not a problem if he's gay, you're fine with that (which is technically true whether you're gay or straight) and see how he reacts.

    Just some thoughts,

    Todd
     
    #2 AKTodd, Sep 17, 2015
  3. hockeyplayer45

    hockeyplayer45
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2015
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thanks AKTodd, I think I might take your advice of the second approach, though since I really don't know him outside of class I think I'm going to have to make an effort to change that before I spring that on him. The good news is we have a test coming up, so I'm thinking of asking him to exchange contact info in case we have any questions on the material. Do you think this would be a good start? I just really need something to break the ice with him.
     
    #3 hockeyplayer45, Sep 17, 2015
  4. Aspen

    Aspen
    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2014
    Messages:
    1,471
    Likes Received:
    239
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think that might be good. You could also suggest getting together to study. If there's a campus event coming up that you think he might be interested in, you could invite him to go with you.
     
    #4 Aspen, Sep 18, 2015
  5. AKTodd

    AKTodd
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    Sounds like a good idea to me. Aspen also gives good advice.

    You mentioned that you play hockey (if your member name wasn't a clue:slight_smile:). Is hockey a big deal in your part of the country such that you could conceivably invite him to go to a game/watch a game on TV at a sports bar/go to a game and then a bar/whatever? This would be after getting to know him a bit, but it might be a way to get to know him more.

    Just a thought,

    Todd
     
    #5 AKTodd, Sep 18, 2015
  6. hockeyplayer45

    hockeyplayer45
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2015
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Alright so just an update in case anyone is interested. Things did not go very well today. I had liked his profile last night hoping that maybe even though he hadn't been active in a long time that he might get a notification or something. Today I attempted to make small talk, just about an assignment, and he seemed very uncomfortable. Or maybe I was uncomfortable, I don't know. Anyway he was very short and left in quite a hurry walking very fast. For all I know maybe he had another class right after that one he needed to get to, but the pessimist in me tells me that he's on to me and not comfortable. I guess I'll try again on Monday, but my hopes aren't that great. So thanks for the advice so far everyone!
     
    #6 hockeyplayer45, Sep 18, 2015
  7. AKTodd

    AKTodd
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    What you describe is possible - but it's also possible that he had somewhere he had to be or was having a bad day or something. You don't know yet.

    Worse case scenario: He's straight and the profile was a prank or he's closeted or he's in a relationship right now.

    You knew any of those might be a possibility going in - if one of them pans out, it's annoying but not the end of the world. Like and respect yourself, be respectful of others, and continue your coming out journey - and your time will come. Could be with this guy, could be with someone else - but it'll get there.

    On a sort of related note - you don't way where you are in Pennsylvania, but I did a bit of checking this AM and found this:

    LINK

    You may,of course, be nowhere near Pittsburgh. But I also found mention of a team in Philly, and a bit more research also turned up some LGBT/LGBT friendly rugby and soccer leagues in the state.

    The point being that whether or not things pan out with this guy, you might look into what's available in this area where you are and maybe find a group or two that is into what you're into, or includes guys who are. While there are no guarantees in life, you might either meet someone in the group or one of the members might have a friend/relative who you hit it off with, or you might just be out at some event with them and meet someone. Or you may file this away as a factor to consider (presence of LGBT sports leagues/particular leagues in an area) when looking at future places to move (LGBT hockey teams and leagues aren't super common, but can be found around the country, apparently).

    The moral of the story being: Networking is important.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
    #7 AKTodd, Sep 19, 2015
  8. johndrez09

    johndrez09
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2015
    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Wow. You found him in a dating website and he's also looking for men. Could this be a poser? A fake profile? Using his picture? You know, there are many posers in social networking sites.

    You said that you liked his profile in an online dating website. Hmm. Could it be he was notified of it? Maybe he doesn't want anyone to know about his sexual orientation that's why he's uncomfortable to you because you found out.
     
    #8 johndrez09, Oct 18, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2015
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)