Losing my mind & my friend - Help

Hi,

I'm clutching at straws here looking for an outsider's advice & for someone to speak to about this whole mess.

I suppose I should take it back to the start, so 3 years ago I went on holiday & got friendly with a couple of girls who worked at the hotel, one was a couple of years older than me & the other a few years younger. I would say I was more friendly with the older of the 2. We got on like a house on fire and continued to keep contact with each other online, chatting constantly & became great friends. We still are to this day & its been 3 years since we met. However, my problem lies withe other girl.

This girl, I didn't really chat much to, probably because she was a few years younger & as I got on bbetter with the older. We didn't really chat much either online, but we did from time to time.

Anyway, last year I had decided to move to this country for work & it turned out this younger girl (only a few years younger & who is now in her late 20s) had also returned to the same place to work, so before I started my job in another part of the country I decided to go visit this girl for a holiday. She was working alone & was quite isolated, so she was happy about having an old friend or familiar fave out there if you could call it that.

Anyway, when I arrived we hit it off straight away & as she didn't have any friends out there it meant we both spent a lot of her free time together. After a few days, I started to notice the way she was looking at me. At this time she had a boyfriend & I had never considered another female in a romantic way. As the days went on, she began to get very tacticle, punching my bum and always touching me. At first I just put it down to her being one of these touchy people.

However, you know that look someone gives you & you just know that they like you. Its hard for me to explain. We were getting on great, but I was getting the vibes off her that she liked me more than just a friend & no matter how may times I think back on all this stuff, I've questioned whether I was just imagening it every time & my gut & everything is telling me that I am not.

Anyway, I found myself starting to see this girl in a different light & immediately suppressed the thoughts. One night close to the end of my 3 week holiday, we both got really drunk & she started to speak ill of her boyfriend, saying he was boring & that she was going to finish it with him. At the end of the night as we were going home she asked me if I wanted to go back to her room, I laughed it off & told her no.

In the final few days of this holiday we had a silly argument but made up before I had to leave to start my new job. This was only a few hours away from where she was so I made regular visits back while she was there. When I was not there we spoke a lot online & each time I did return we grew closer. Her looks became more intense, she had what I would say the look of live in her eyes & she constantly told me how beautiful I was.

One night we were at a club with some of her workmates, she spent the night grinding herself up against me, hugging me close, grabbing my ass & holding my hand. At the end of that night she asked me if I wanted her to come back to my room, which I told her no again & laughed it off as she was drunk.

On her last weekend at this place she asked me to return to see her so that we could travel back together as her hometown was only a few hours drive away from where I was living & working. The night I arrived we sent out for some food & she told me she had chose a place because it was romantic. It was just us 2 & no one else around. Then she asked to come back to my room. We were both sober so I didn't think much of it. As we were walking she linked arms with me & again pinched my bum all the way up to the room.

I could feel the sexual tension in the air & again, I have been driving myself insane wondering if I have just been imagening all this. Anyway, I got the impression that she was waiting for me to make my move, but I didn't do anything to give her any indication that I liked her that way. I always kept my cool around her & wasn't tactile like her. I just never told her to stop or gave her any indication tht I didn't like it. Anyway, after about 30 minutes in the room she announced that she was going back to her room & the she left.

We spent the next day together before we traveled back. I always had it in my head that it was wrong to have these strong feelings for A) A friend B) Another girl & C) Someone who was in a relationship. On the way back she told me that I was the perfect girl & then she asked me why she was more excited to see her family than her boyfriend. I told her only she knew the answer about that. Anyway, we prted ways & the next morning she was texting me that she missed me.

Again we kept in regular contact & I had arranged to through & visit her again a few weeks after that. When I did go through for the first time, the first thing she told me was that she had split from her boyfriend & that she wanted to tell me in person rather than through text. We didn't really speak much at all about her boyfriend after a week or so of us meeting again. That night felt like a date. We went for dinner then she took me out to meet with her sister & her best friend, who told me that she spime about me all the time. During that weekend she took me to her local to meet more or her friends, who also told me that she spoke about me all the time.

Visiting her became a regular thing. I only managed to get through every couple of months because of work. Each time I went through I'd buy her gifts like perfume, clothes & even a mobile phone. We would go for dinner, walks linking arms. I'd buy her single roses, she'd tell me how beautiful I was & how lucky she was. She would rest her head on my shoulders, link her fingers through mine whenever she held my hand & she would do things like kiss my arms or shoulders. We spoke more and more online and we would tell each other that we loved each other. This went on for about 6 months until about 6 months ago. That was the last time I went through to her home town.

The weeks before that she started to become a little distant. Not texting as much & her texts were a little cold. When I went to visit her she ran at me & wrapped herself around me, squealing in delight. Anytime we hugged it was always tight hugs & we held in for like a minute, sometimes longer. This night was no different from any other night. She told me that we would meet with her sister later that night, so we could talk. We went for dinner, a walk, I bought her a rose & we done the same as always. After we done that we went for drinks & after a couple she told me that she had met a guy.

I felt like dying inside & I still tried to play it cool. Straight after she said it, she then said I know that if we don't meet husbands we would get together, the she said she would like me to meet this guy to see what I thought of him. I really did try to hide the hurt. I don't know if it showed, but she started saying she didn't think she would bother with this guy because she was leaving again for work in a couple of months. Just as that her sister arrived.

We left there & went for drinks at another place. Again as the drinks flowed this girl was being very tactile & singing love songs looking right at me, then out of nowhere this guy appeared. I thought it was the guy she had told me about, so I turned my back on them & pretended to be speaking to her sister. We were chatting, but my head was in too much of a spin to listen. This girl spent half the time trying to get my attention, skelping my behind & then eventually spun me around to look at her. She told me not to ignore her & not to worry about him. He was just a friend & a little gay. We then hugged and as we were holding each other she told me that she really loved me, I was the perfect person, she would then gay for me and that she did want to be with me, then she kissed me on the face & then on the lips. I pulled away because I couldn't quite believe what had just happened & I was conscious that everyone was staring at us.

Not long after that she left with this guy who she said was her friend again as they were leaving & told me not to worry, but I did worry & I was jealous. The next morning I text her & told her that we needed to talk. We met again that night before I left & it felt different. She was very distant, so I had it in my head that she had lied to me about who that guy was & I didn't have the guts to confront her about what she had said to me the night before.

Anyway, I left to go back to my town for work, but I couldn't get what she said out if my head, so a couple of days later I text & told her I needed to speak to her, but my bottle crashed, so I told her just to forget it, but I couldn't so I text her again a couple of days after that & I again tried to back out of it, but this time she wouldn't let me, so I asked her what she meant by that, that she said to me. She told me that she just liked to spend time with me as a friend then said she needed to go.

I felt hurt by this & I felt that she was lying to me. I stupidly sent her a long text a few days later telling her that I was in love with her & felt that she had played with my emotions from the start & to stay away from me. I was angry & upset & I'll admit I shouldn't have sent that message. Its the worst thing I could have done. She text me back & told me that she had no idea that I liked her like that, she liked boys & that I was to find someone that felt the same about me then told me to take care.

I should have just left it at that, but I dug the whole deeper & text her again a few days later, telling her that I wasn't stupid. I saw the way she looked at me, the way she behaved around me, all the things she said & the vibes I got off her. She told me that, that was the way she behaved with all of her friends & that she was finding the whole thing weird. I told her that, I had saw her with her friends & she did not behave like that, then she told me that I had no idea because I had never saw or met her friends!! What?!

I left it at that & we didn't speak for about a month & she blocked me from seeing her updates on Facebook. Before all of this happened she accepted a job back in the place that we first met because I would be working in the same place & it meant we could spend more time together, so she gave up her job with the company she had worked with for years to go back to this place independently. Anyway, because I knew we would be working close to one another, after a few weeks I messaged her, just casually & she responded casually.

This was 5 months ago. I continued to text her maybe at least once a week after that. She did reply but was very dry & cold. About a month after me texting her, I arrived at the same place to start work, so I went to see her to try & break the ice. She kept telling me that she was too busy at work, but through mutal friends on Facebook I could see she had been going out, so I just bit the bullet & went to see her. When I did she wasn't busy & she was hungover. I gave her a bottle if her favourite perfume & she took it no problem. We couldn't really chat because her work mates were around. She was very cold, dry & practically ignored the fact that I was there. Before I left I gave he a lift to work. It was just us 2 in the car. She gave me a kiss on the cheek goodbye then left.

After that, again I tried to keep contact with her & text her once a week. She replied but again was very cold & dry. This was starting to piss me off & I was hurt by her behavior. I went to see her again & she just left me standing, so I decided no more. However a few nights later we bumped into each other on the street. She was with another girl. I was going to walk past her, but she came over & lightly hugged me. She looked shocked to see me, askingvwhat I was doing there at that part. I didn't bother telling her that, I was going to tell her the last time I had went to see her, but she completely ignored me, but I didn't want to get into the conversation in the middle of the street.

I was cold & dry back & just walked away from her, but I felt bad. About a week later I text her & asked her to meet for a drink. I wanted to try & fix things with her, but it started another big argument. She said she didn't get my behaviour. One minute I'm practically telling her to fuck off in the street & the next asking her to go for a drink, then she threw up my text that I sent her, saying the day I sent that changed everything between us & that things could never go back to the way they were. She can't pretend we're best friends. She needs to be real.

I told her that I was wrong, sorry & that I did love her but only as a friend & that I had started seeing a guy at work, so I am not interested in her that way, I was only trying to try fix our friendship. She then told me that she didn't feel comfortable around me so to get back at her I told her that I wasn't comfortable after what she said to me. If she hadn't said & done that, none of that would have happened & told her that I had discussed it with my really close & long friends & they didn't know what she meant by that. She then threw back at me that her friends thought I liked girls, but she didn't listen to them.

By the end of that argument, I decided that was it. The end. I couldn't keeping doing this, but I was miserable the whole time & decided to leave that job & return to my home country. After a few weeks I text her again, apologizing for everything & asked her not to throw our friendship away & she agreed.

That was 2 months ago. We have been getting along & are back chatting friendly, she has warmed a little, but not as she used to be. My family members went out to the place for a holiday. I sent her a card with some money to buy herself something & I wrote her a letter apologizing for everything & basically taking responsibility for this whole mess. It took her a few days to message me, but she did message to thank me for it.

I have cooled right off . I don't message her half as much as I used to, but I am friendly & nice to her, just trying to be as normal as possible with her. We did agree to start again & forget all that stuff, but she's not making any effort at all. I sent her a friend request on Facebook, but she won't add me. She does speak to me via messenger.

Right now she's blowing very hot & cold with me. I really wish I could stop loving this girl, but I can't. I know deep down that our friendship is done & I shouldn't chase this girl. I've never chased anyone in my life. I don't even know why I'm chasing her & its pissing me off, more with myself. I'm trying to stay friends with this girl because I will be returning to work in the same place as her, so I'd at least like to stay friends with her.

She's making it very difficult for me. I am trying. I know there's time I haven't been very nice to her, but 90% of the time I have spoiled this girl, gave her everything that she'd ever wanted. I just don't understand how she can go from being so warm & caring & so full on as she was before, tell me that she really loves me, & wants to be with me to behaving like the ice queen. I'm due to gead back out for a short break & have asked to see her, but she's told me I am welcome to go to her work anytime. She knows she'd be too busy & that I meant see her outside her work. If she has agreed to start again, forget everything, is chatting to me online & knows that I am seeing a guy, why is she so reluctant to come out & meet me?

I know people will tell me to just forget about this girl & leave her alone. I'm not stalking her by any means & I have met a really nice guy, but he is just there & I feel bad. I don't want to use this guy & I'm trying to forget about this girl, but I just can't. Everytime I try to move on, I bump into her or she'll contact me or I find myself contacting her.

I really do want to move on from this, but I just don't feel like I've had any closure. I have tried to speak to her about all this & she just won't speak to me about it. Its like she gets angry at me anytime I mention what she said to me & she still hasn't gave me a clear answer as to what she meant. I know its never goni happen. To much water under the bridge for that now. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? If so how do you cope with this? I feel like a relationship has broken up & I have lost a good friend as well as that

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me Patrick. I do know what you are saying is right. Its just hard to get my head around her behavior & the things she said to being the way she is now. I just don't get it. She was either lying then or she's lying now. One thing is for sure, she's not been as open & honest about this as me.

I really am going to try & cut off contact & give her a taste of her own medicine. I just wanted someone to look in from the outside to give me advice & to confirm what she meant by the things she said & her behaviour. Was I picking it up wrong? Is that how friends behave with each other? I've never experienced anything like that with any of my other friends before. Thanks again. Its appreciated ;-)

 

Thanks CapColor. Its good to hear this stuff from other people. It just reassures me that I didn't do anything wrong & that I didn't get the wrong end of the stick. The whole thing has just confused me. I am an open minded person & from this I have learned that love knows no gender. It is hard accepting that moving on is the best thing to do, mostly because it's a friend I have lost, but I suppose we were never "just friends". Thanks again ;-)