I've been talking to a close guy friend of mine for awhile. We met a little over a year ago, and he has felt attracted to me since the beginning. I was only interested in dating women at the time, and for a long time afterwards, up until recently, when I began seriously considering dating him. Growing up, I had crushes on mostly boys, from as young as 3 years old, up until my first year of college. Then around that time, I fell in love with a girl for the first time. I had never loved a girl or had a strong attraction for one before, so I was surprised by it coming out of the blue, especially since the feelings were so sudden and undeniably strong. Never had I considered not being straight, but it instantly felt so natural and real to me, that I felt comfortable with this knowledge of myself from the start and I accepted it without question. It didn't end up working out with the girl, and I am no longer in love with her, but I still have memories of how strong I felt and it has made dating very hard. I used to be able to talk to people that just seem cool and not put much pressure or expectation into my feelings, before meeting her. But my connection with her was instant and so strong that it has made me question and doubt every prospective new relationship I have considered. This has started to drive me crazy, because of course I am over her and want to move on, but I'm not over the way I felt in that relationship. I keep seeking those feelings now in other partners, but nothing develops as quickly as it did with her, nor does it feel anywhere near the level of intensity. I have experienced genuine attraction, but not the "in love" feelings I had for her. I included a little history, so I could ask about my relationship with my close guy friend. Like I said before, he has consistently had feelings for me since we met, but I did not have feelings for him in the beginning. He kissed me for the first time about 4 or 5 months after we met, when I finally let him take me on a date (I didn't want to say yes before, since I have been so unsure of my feelings and didn't want to lead him on). As soon as he kissed me, I felt butterflies in my stomach and I wanted to kiss him back, but I didn't let myself immediately. I had been wanting to kiss him for awhile, but again my fears of leading him on were holding me back. After he made the first move, I felt that was my permission to go ahead and start kissing him though, so that's really when our " relationship started to move past friends and into a zone that has been very complicated and difficult to define. I dated a girl for a couple months after he and I talked for a few months, as I told him I wanted to continue seeing girls and see how that went for me. So we have basically been in an open relationship thing where its friends with benefits, but deeper. It didn't end up working out with the girl and I started to lose my feelings for her, especially since she stopped putting much effort into the relationship after we became official. She broke up with me and I got back together with him pretty quickly. I was relieved though that we broke up. It felt like I'd escaped something where I was going to be unhappy because I was the one trying the hardest. He and I were just supposed to see where our relationship went over the next few months after my girlfriend and I broke up, but I ended up becoming more emotionally invested than I expected, and so did he. Now, the whole time we've been talking, he's been saying things like, "You should be my girlfriend", and "What are we? Are we together?" This has put pressure on me, because I am one who has to develop a strong emotional bond over an extended period of time (like months and months). My last relationship with a guy, it took 6 months of talking as friends without even beginning to discuss a relationship or feelings, until I realized I had feelings for him. Then it took another four months after that for us to both tell each other we had feelings. I wanted to be with him though. Sadly, he didn't end up wanting to be committed. Anyways, so my guy friend that is interested in me now has been saying things about commitment for months (about 6-9 months now). I kept telling him I'm not for sure how I feel, since I have been comparing every new relationship to my old feelings for the girl I loved before (not fair, I know, but involuntary). I tell him I want to be fair to him and that he should be with someone who undoubtedly knows how they feel. Someone who knows the are crazy about him. That's what I said for months. Until recently. I started feeling like I don't want to lose him. I still feel pressure to have deeper feelings that I do, because of all the things he has said. I just want to feel the same way he does about me. I want to reciprocate wholeheartedly. I want to share a love with him that is equally strong for both of us. I just don't know how. I don't know how to forget how I felt about her, let go, and accept that not every relationship will feel like it did with her. It's agonizing to me to think about not being with him. I've invested so much emotionally that it feels like ripping out my heart not to be together. I want this to work more than anything. I want to feel emotionally close to him all the time. But my feelings come sporadically and are not constant. It's one of the most infuriating, heartbreaking things I've ever experienced. My question is kind of complicated. I don't know exactly what is preventing me from feeling emotionally closer to him. Is it my sexuality? Am I freaking stuck on my feelings for the girl I loved and don't know how to start a relationship at a lesser intensity anymore? Am I putting up an emotional barrier in my mind for protection, since I have been through so much loss in relationships already? This guy is literally the best thing that has happened to me relationship-wise. He's loyal, he doesn't give up, and he's in love with me. I want to make this work. I want to learn how to accept his love and be able to feel for him the way that he does about me. I know it's long, and I'm extremely grateful to anyone taking the time to read this and give me feedback or advice. Thank you!
