I want to love my mother. Stuck between an endless conflict of loving the goddess who nurtures her child, and the demon who harms solely for the reason of hurting the child. I'm sure she loves me, but why does she keep hurting me? She spread lies of me, and make me feels worthless. She no longer give me physical bruises, but she's started giving me emotional ones. Her hugs don't feel genuine anymore, and I'm questioningly myself if they had ever been real. At the end of the day I really do love my mother. Or at least I did love her. But it scares me to know how capable I am to hate. Its like two sides of a coin. One cannot exist without the other.
Just because someone is a parent does not make them infallible, nor does it excuse them being abusive to their child(ren). Just because someone is an abuser does not mean that they spend every waking moment of every day being abusive. My dad sexually molested two of my sisters and spent years being emotionally abusive to my mother and myself. Ultimately he raped his business partner's 20 something granddaughter and fled to Canada. Among various other things. Yet he also spent a lot of time doing positive things with the family and I have good memories of those times. But it doesn't excuse what he did in the bad times. If your mother is being physically and/or emotionally abusive to you, you need accept that you may have some positive feelings toward her or that she may have some good qualities -and then refuse to use that as an excuse to put up with the abuse. You need to contact someone and report the abuse and get out of the situation you are in. Could be another family member, a teacher, a counselor, a priest, the police, somebody. Because you don't deserve to be treated like that. And even if the physical abuse is reducing as you get older (and I presume bigger), the scars from the emotional abuse can be just as bad and sometimes last longer. And you never know when the physical might try to make a comeback - your safety has to be paramount here. I'm sorry you're going thru this (*hug*) But you need to alert someone who can help you change this situation. Take care, Todd
