(fyi that both the people I'm talking about go by they/them, so there might be a little confusing but I'll try to keep it easy to follow. NO MISGENDERING PLEASE) UUUUGH ok so, my friend, who is a wonderful peep, and a huge cinnamon roll who is like a very nice sweet scared little potato who is too good for this world, just broke up with their partner of 3 years in a long distance relationship. Now, I am only just hearing about how much of a piece of shit this partner (we'll call them Kas) was being HORRIFICALLY ABUSIVE TO MY FRIEND (who we'll call Ness). I had had my suspicions that the relationship wasn't super healthy, but I guess Kas was manipulating and guilt tripping with suicide threats and blaming-the-victim constantly, and made Ness talk to them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. without excuse or they'd be super mad. And now Kas has broken up with Ness, moved on in less than a week to some new girl, constantly tells Ness about about it, has been guilt tripping them with suicide threats and cutting threats if they so much as leave for dinner (NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING). Kas is blaming them for feeling sad and hurt over the end of their relationship, for having virtually any feelings at all, they constantly say they're going to kill themselves, has accused Ness of cheating on them with me because we're friends who spend time together, has regulated and controlled who Ness is allowed to hang out with and when (MUST HAVE LIKE 1 WEEK NOTICE BLAH BLAH BLAH but Kas can hang out with whoever they want (absolute asshole)), and is just horrifically abusive to them, but Ness doesn't want people to get involved (Kas would start to message ness's friends and such, and get angry at them, and Ness doesn't want anyone getting hurt), and now Ness is afraid that Kas might actually do something if they try to block their number/facebook. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING. I need to get my poor friend out of this shitty relationship. Kas has hurt them terribly and they have done nothing to deserve it, but are already suffering from a having a mother who passed away a few years ago and being stuck living with their shitty, unsuportive, homophobic (they identify as gay/lesbian), transphobic, paranoid douchebag of a father. They seem to have some possible issues with depression and social anxiety. And to have this terrible person on top of it who YELLS AT THEM FOR HAVING NATURAL FEELINGS LIKE THIS isn't healthy or acceptable. What should I do? Should I message Kas and try to tell them to BACK OFF? Should I like suggest to Ness that we both Skype Kas together and tell them to stop treating them like this? Should I just let Ness try to back out of it themselves (though I'm not sure if they'll be able to on their own)? I know I backed out of an abusive relationship that had very temporarily been a romantic relationship, and it took a lot of slowly backing out of it or it would have been much worse. I know I can't pressure them to just end it suddenly. Any suggestions?
Hold on, I thought the two of them have already broken up? If they have, then Ness needs to cut off all contact with Kas. Kas has ABSOLUTELY no claim on them. Kas doesn’t deserve anything from Ness. Ness has no responsibility whatsoever for Kas’s actions no matter what they are. What’s important right now is Ness needs to do what’s best for them. They need to block their number, remove and block them on Facebook, and anything else necessary to cut off contact. It sounds like Kas is gone and with a new girl but they enjoy the power trip. Ness isn’t even in a relationship with them anymore and Kas is still controlling them. My girlfriend’s best friend went through a very similar situation with her boyfriend over the summer, right down to suspecting her to be cheating with a friend and threatening to kill himself. It’s rough as hell but they got through it. As far as I know, he’s fine and she’s moved on and is happy in a new relationship. She really had to stand up for herself, kick him out of the house, and stand firm in the face of his bullshit. I don’t think you should message Kas on your own and I’m not sure the two of you Skyping them together would help. There is nothing wrong with them ending it suddenly, in fact it sounds like Kas already has. Do whatever you need to do to support Ness while they’re going through this. It sounds like you’re a wonderful friend and they’re going to need one.
Thanks for the response! Yes, they have already broken up. I want them to just cut off all ties with Kas, but Kas themself is relentless, and is clingy as hell with Ness. They have continued to be abusive and manipulative as a friend, and constnantly mentions their new girlfriend and asks for advice from Ness (which makes them very uncomfortable). Basically Ness desperately wants to cut off contact, but is very afraid to. I need to convince them to get the hell away from that asshole, but they can very much be a pushover (as much as I love them it's true), and is going to have a very hard time standing up to Kas. What should I tell them? They NEED to but I don't think they'll do it without a little push
Tell Ness you’re there for them, whatever they need. If you can, offer to let them stay at your place for a while until things settle down. The first step is always the hardest. Encourage Ness to take it, whether it’s blocking Kas on Facebook or blocking Kas’s number. Be there for them when they does it if you can, partly for support and partly, I’m sorry to say, to make sure they actually does. While I don’t think that you should get involved in a Skype conversation between Kas and Ness, if that’s the way they decides to go there’s no reason you can’t be off-screen to offer support. If you stand up for Ness and they’re incapable of backing that up on their own, it’s entirely possible it will just give Kas further things to use against them. I forgot I wanted to say last time: If Ness is able to seek professional support, encourage them to do so. Having an outside person to listen and guide them in the right direction could be a big help with Kas and recovering from their influence.
