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Emotional Detachment

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Shadymist, Oct 3, 2015.

  1. Shadymist

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    I'm having this problem where I'm always attracted to people who don't want to be with me or who don't truly care about me. Usually they end up being self-centered, but when I'm around they talk to me a lot and that makes me feel loved. However, when it comes down to it, the people I'm drawn to don't ever want a lasting relationship with me.

    Then when someone genuinely cares about me and I know loves me, I don't feel an emotional connection with them. This not only happens with partners, but also with friends and family. It's like as soon as they care for me I lose some sort of drive inside myself.
    I even get sick of affection or compliments from them and start feeling disgusted sometimes.

    This is extremely aggravating and makes me angry because I know all the relationships I've been in before were horrible for me, and the people I would be attracted to in the future are probably going to be bad for me too. I recently got in a relationship with someone who really really genuinely cares about me, but I keep feeling this emotional numbness towards him. It makes me freaking upset and angry and feel guilty that I am detaching this way, but I don't know how to change it. I decided to keep trying to work on this relationship because I know it is a healthy one for me and I don't want this emotional detachment issue to ruin it.

    Can someone give me any insight as to why I feel detachment/numbness with loved ones? Please give me some advice on what I can do to help this problem be resolved.

    Thank you!
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    This may not be the answer you want to hear, but I think at least part of it lies in the combination of the experiences you describe and the label (demisexual) with which you describe yourself.

    Our ability to connect to others requires vulnerability; the research in the area is pretty clear that we cannot love others more than we love ourselves, and we cannot open up to others more than we are willing to be open and vulnerable ourselves.

    So my guess is that the same thing that makes it difficult for you to feel attraction to people (hence the demisexual label) is causing you to, unconsciously, seek out people who are emotionally unavailable... and if/when you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is emotionally available, you find yourself wanting to pull away.

    All of this generally resolves back to a lack of self-compassion and self-love. If you don't feel, in your deepest unconscious self, like you deserve someone who can be fully open, loving, and caring, and like you deserve the compliments, caring, and attention they provide... then you're going to unconsciously put out the message that that's who you want in your life.

    This is a solvable problem, but it takes time and energy. It involves exploring the experiences, beliefs, and family-of-origin issues that contribute to the false beliefs. And it takes developing a self-compassion practice.

    One suggestion I can offer is to start by reading Brené Brown's book "Gifts of Imperfection" and Kristin Neff's book "Self Compassion." Therapy would be an ideal solution as well.

    The most important part is to try and give yourself permission to be imperfect, to not compare yourself to others or blame yourself, but simply to acknowledge where you are, and begin working on the issues. I think if you start doing that, you'll be on your way to creating better and healthier relationships.
     
  3. Shadymist

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    Wow, this is the most beautiful advice I have ever gotten on this. Thank you so much. Thanks for not sugar coating it either. I need some truth! I have let my partner know what I am struggling with and he has been so amazingly supportive. He's a beautiful person. I also started therapy last week to start talking about these feelings and working through opening myself up to connections with others again. I just really feel like hearing from other people about their experiences would offer some validation and give insight into what I'm going through. I'll definitely check out those books you recommended as well.

    Thank you again, so much!
     
    #3 Shadymist, Oct 3, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2015