Just a Story

This is a story of myself and a girl
How I liked her, and thought she liked me
How I told her I was gay, and she told me she was straight
How she kissed me one drunken night
And then pretended it hadn't happened
How I was in love with her
And tried to convince myself I was alright just being her friend
How we kissed again on a different night, this time sober
But still we only kissed in the dark
How her time here was over
And she left to go back home
How I missed her more than I ever thought I could
How I traveled to her country to visit
And how we remain just friends
Even though she says she likes me back
Cos long distance never works
How now I’m home
And she's far away
How I miss her more than ever
And I don't know what to do

This is a long story, basically i just wanted to write down everything that happened with this girl, all my thoughts and feelings about the whole thing… it’s very long and very detailed and I don't know if anyone will bother reading it all. But i wanted to write it all down… so here it goes:

It all started last February at university, the second semester of the academic year we got some Erasmus students in my course, and one of them was an utterly brilliant girl called Corallina. Now at this point in my life I kinda knew I was a lesbian, like i thought I was but I'd never done anything with a girl and before that I thought i was asexual for a while so I was still rather confused. Anyway back to the girl. So we had some lectures and lab sessions together and we soon became really good friends, which for me is a bit unusual cos i usually take a while to get close to new people, but we just seemed to click (I mean we became friends in the first place cos we started interrogating algae during an identification lab… asking the algae what made it special… turns out we’re both rather weird in a similar way). So we became really good friends, and she starting hanging out with my group of friends, some of whom were also in the same uni course. And Corallina got along fine with everyone, but she was always a lot friendlier with me, like we were closer then she was with the other people, who she'd known for the same amount of time. Basically I really liked this girl, like more then I'd ever liked anyone ever before, and I thought she liked me back.

So i wanted to come out to her, hoping that her reaction would be along the lines of 'oh yea i'm gay/bi too', but for the longest time i didn't tell her anything, cos she was only staying on my island for that semester, then she'd go back home, and i didn't want to freak her out by letting her know i liked her (me liking her would be pretty obvious once she knew i'm gay, i wasn't exactly doing much to hide it) cos i thought that it might ruin our friendship for the remaining time she was here. This lasted a while, but eventually on a fine day in late April i finally told her i'm a lesbian. And her reaction was cool, she didn't get freaked out or anything, she was totally fine with it. She was also straight, which kinda sucked cos i had been pretty sure she felt something for me, like i know this is really cheesy but it felt like we had a connection or something of the sort, but now i thought that was all just me imagining shit. Corallina and I remained really close friends, probably we became even closer after that. And slowly I convinced myself that i was okay with that, that it was cool i had such a brilliant, accepting friend, and to convince myself that friends was all that we were going ever going to be. Problem is by this point i was pretty much in love with her.

And then she kissed me. This happened sometime in early June, basically one evening me, her and a couple of my friends decided to just get some pizza and relax next to the sea. And me and Corallina got a couple of bottles of wine to share with everyone, except the other people were all tired cos they had work in the morning or for other reasons, so it was mostly just me and her drinking. So we ate the pizza and everyone left rather early, except for Corallina and me. I was sleeping over at her place that night, cos it closer to the place we were at. We ended up having to walk to her place, cos our ride was one of the tired friends but we didn't want to leave so early so we just decided to stay there and just walk home, it was only around an hour walk and all next to the sea. So eventually we started walking to her place, and at this point we were both a bit tipsy already. Then when we were around halfway there we just sat on a bench in a small park cos we were tired. We still had about 3/4 a bottle of wine left, so we just drank it all from the bottle in around 5 minutes, just sitting on that bench taking a sip each till it was gone. So at this point we were both kinda drunk, and then we just sat there on that bench cos moving seemed like too much work. And then she just kissed me, like all of a sudden. And i was obviously ecstatic and i thought it was all a dream. So then we just made out for a while on that bench, and eventually we thought we should continue walking home, but our walking home consisted of stopping every 5 minutes to make out on some other bench or in a corner or just anywhere really, without a care in the world (i don't really remember the whole night coherently, my memory of it is kinda in flashes but at some point i'm pretty sure we were just making out in the middle of a small roundabout.. really i'm surprised we got to her place without getting lost or being hit by a car). And we talked between making out and i told her everything, how i liked her from the start and i thought she was gay or bi or whatever and how i thought she liked me back, and how i felt we had a connection, and basically she said she felt the same thing, like the connection she felt it too, but she'd never thought she was anything but straight so she was confused. Anyway after the most memorable walk of my life so far we got to her place, and i kinda thought something more would happen once we got there, like she was kinda implying something would. But then when we got inside we made out some more but she said she didn't wanna do anything else, and we just fell asleep (I separate single beds).

The next day i woke up and it was kinda weird, Corallina was acting like nothing had happened, like we were still friends and just that. I would have thought it had all been a dream except there was a flower on the bedside table which i remembered her giving me as some point during our drunken walk home. And the whole day I was at her house (we were making cake cos it was another friend's birthday the next day) and we just both pretended it hadn't happened. Then before i left to go home in the evening we kinda talked about it, but we didn't say much, we just kinda acknowledged it happened, and i asked her why she had kissed me and she said she didn't know and that was basically it. So after that we just went back to being friends, like nothing had change; as if nothing had ever happened. And i just told myself that it was the wine that made her kiss me, that yea she liked me as a person, but she didn't like me in that way cos she was a straight girl. And i was in love with her and it kinda sucked but once again i tried to convince myself that we were just friends, and that friendship was cool. And so we remained friends.

At this point the time for her to leave the island was fast approaching, she was leaving at the end of June. On her last weekend we all went camping for a night, me her and my friends, in a beautiful place next to the sea with a clearing perfect for camping surrounded by a bunch of rocks and cliffs we could climb up. At some point during the night we heard fireworks but we couldn't see them from the clearing, so me, Corallina and another dude went climbing to higher ground so we could watch. Corallina had her phone with her and as we were walking up she was playing songs, then at one point she stopped so she could find a song, and she started playing Let Her Go by the passenger (you know the 'only know you love her when you let her go' song) and the dude was slightly ahead with the torch and i was on a rock i had just climbed, and i gave her a hand to help her climb up as well. It wasn't a very big rock, so as soon as she was up we were suddenly standing very close together, and then we just kinda looked at each other and the song was still playing and then we were kissing. So then we kept following the dude (he was the only one who had a torch) and kissing when we thought he wasn't looking (the dude knew i liked her, but he didn't know anything had ever happened). Then the dude just gave us the torch and said he was going back to camp (later he told me he had heard us kissing and wanted to leave us alone… apparently we weren't as sneaky as we thought we were). And then we were alone and we climbed some more and kissed some more, and just sat down on very uncomfortable, pointy rocks and just made out. And that went on for a while, and it was rather wonderful, and then we were hungry so we decided we should go back to the other humans in the clearing before they ate all of the food. We walked back and when we were above the clearing she pulled me close to her and i kissed her and she said that the other humans might see us, and i told her i didn't care and ask her if she cared and she said she didn't know. And we kissed some more and then we headed down to join the others… and that's the last time I kissed Corallina. As soon as we rejoined the others we were back to just being friends, and for the rest of the camping trip she seemed to avoid being alone with me. But we had kissed again, and this time we weren't drunk, so it meant she did like me in that way, in fact she had even said she did while we were alone.

The next day was her last day here, and in the evening me, her and some other humans met up for the last time. I was hoping we could spend that evening alone, but she invited the others, which I understand cos like they were also her friends and she wouldn’t be seeing them for the foreseeable future so she wanted to spend time with them as well. So anyway we all had a lovely evening, and then it was time to get the bus home. The last people waiting for the bus were me Corallina and another human. The other human and Corallina were getting the same bus, and when the bus came the other human went towards it, and Corallina was hugging me goodbye before she left, and I kissed her on the cheek and then we looked each other in the eyes and we were gonna kiss, but before we would the other human looked back to see where Corallina was, and Corallina quickly stepped away from me and went to get the bus.

Then the next morning she left the island and went back to her home in Germany, and at the airport i said goodbye and hugged her and told her i would miss her, and that's it cos there were other people around and we were only friends. She left and i tried not to cry, and then we was gone and I did cry.

And she was gone and i never knew how much missing someone could hurt until that day. We kept talking online and she said she missed me and i said i missed her, but we just talked as friends would talk and that was basically it for a while.
Then one night there was a wine festival which I went to… and I ended up not entirely sober and thought it was a great idea to message her and tell her how much I wished she was there with me, and to my surprise she said the same thing. She said she wanted to fly to my island right then and that she wanted to be with me and touch me… and I told her I would do anything if it meant she could be closer… and then the next morning she didn’t talk about it no more, just went back to acting like we were just friends as per usual.

At the end of that Summer I had to go visit my grandparents in Belgium, and I decided to try to go to Germany to visit Corallina in the same trip, I thought I may as well since I was leaving the island. So I asked her if I could visit and she said of course, and that I could stay at her house (she was staying with her parents for the summer) so I planned to stay there for 6 days before heading to Belgium. So after probably the longest most slow-passing month of my life the day came for me to head to Germany, and I was hoping that things would be different there, that we would just acknowledge that we wanted to be more then friends and that we would kiss again. But I also kept telling myself not to get my hopes up, cos I didn’t want to be disappointed. And I tried to convince myself that if nothing happened and we were just friends that I would be cool with that (this is a recurring theme isn’t it?). So after some minor flight drama with delayed flights and missing connecting flights, I got to Germany and there she was waiting for me with her mum right beside her. And we were both exited to see each other and we hugged and that’s it. And I had a great time in Germany, Corallina and her parents showed me around a lot and I saw lots of brilliant, beautiful places. But it seemed that me and Corallina were rarely ever alone, like there was always her parents with us or some friend of hers with us, and I don’t know whether she did this on purpose or not but that’s how it was, and so for most of my trip we remained just friends, and we didn’t even talk about what had happened on my island.

Except for one night at around 2 am when I couldn’t fall asleep, and I looked over to the other side of the room where Corallina was on the other bed. And I whispered her name and said that I couldn’t sleep, and she said that’s she couldn’t sleep either. So then we started having this 2 am conversation, which was probably one of the weirdest conversations I’ve ever had, it was brilliant really. And at some point we started discussing what had happened between us. And basically I asked her why she had kissed me on that first drunken night, and she said that she really liked me, and that she felt close to me, and she didn’t know whether that was just as friends or as something else, and that she wanted to try it out. And she said that she liked kissing me, but that she was never sure about her feelings for me, that she still wasn’t sure cos she’d never felt anything for a girl before. And then we just stared at each other in the dark for a while, none of us left our bed. And I broke the silence and told her that I still really liked her, and she said she liked me too, but that she was still confused, and that she would need more time than just seeing me for a couple of days before she could sort out her feelings. And we talked about how maybe it would be different if we lived in the same country, how maybe if we had enough time together then maybe something would happen, maybe we could be together. But as soon as I left Germany we had no idea when we would be seeing each other again, and so there was no point in having something happen just for a couple of days, cos long distance relationships never work anyway. So we agreed to just be friends, even though we both maybe wanted to be something more, but for now friends was all we could be. So the next morning we just carried on acting like just friends, and much too soon it was time for me to go to Belgium. So left and I hugged her goodbye and I told her I would miss her, and even before the train had started moving I started missing her. And I looked at this girl I loved standing on the platform waving goodbye, and I waved back and tried not to cry, cos I had no idea when I would see her again. And I went to Belgium and then went back to my island and I’ve been stuck here ever since.

Corallina and are still really good friends, we still talk online loads. But I’m still in love with her, and I still miss her so much that sometimes I just want to cry. And in the middle of the night staring at my ceiling in the dark I can’t help thinking of how things could have worked out differently. Like maybe if I’d have told her I am a lesbian earlier when she was here she would have had more time to figure stuff out, or maybe that night I Germany if I had got out of my bed and gone next to her we might have kissed, or maybe a thousand other scenarios.

Basically now I’ve just gotta go back to convincing myself that friends is all we are, and all that she shall be for the foreseeable future. Maybe someday we’ll be living closer and could see each other more often and maybe then something will happen, but for now I just have to stop thinking about that, and just be friends with Corallina. I don’t even know when I’ll get to see her again, cos I’m and uni and so is she so none of us really have time for traveling for a while.

What I hate the most is how much I still miss her, and how much she can influence my life with the smallest things. Like if she doesn’t message me for a couple of days I feel grumpy, and if another day we have a long conversation then I’m overjoyed.

Basically I’m still in love with her, and that’s useless and I want to be less in love with her… but I have no idea how I can do that.

So that’s it… that’s my whole soppy love story. If anyone actually read all of this than hey… thanks for listening to me ramble, you are awesome. But even if no one reads this far, it felt good to write all of this down, to put all my thoughts and feeling in one place.

That is all

 

How do I stop missing her?
I wanna be friends with her, cos not talking to her at all sounds horrible
But I can't go on missing her so much, its just every day I think about her and I wander if she thinks about me and I can't see her any time soon and its driving me insane
I want to just be her friend, to keep talking to her and just that, and be happy with just that and not spend everyday wishing she was here.
How do i fall out of love with her?

 

Update

I still haven't seen Corallina since summer, she was supposed to visit in Easter this year but shit happened with her family so she couldn't make it. And i still miss her so much, like I thought I would think about her less as time went by, but she still appears in my thoughts constantly, so many little things remind me of when she was here.

So last week Corallina told me she has a boyfriend. And i acted exited for her and told her they look adorable together and all that crap. But honestly it made me feel really sad all over again, and I know that's kinds stupid but i can't help it.

Logically i should be happy for her, I mean what was she supposed to do, stay single forever cos someone stuck on an island far away loves her? She's found someone close by who she is happy with..i should be happy about that.
But its like all this time i've been sitting her thinking about her and missing her, and some part of me thought she also missing me. And i know she does actually miss me, but in a friend way, not in the way i miss her.

We never really got a chance...by the time something happened she had to leave the island, and maybe if we had gotten more time it would be different. Cos then i could say at least we had a shot.
Now it just feels like its over before it barely even started