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Still stuck in the "it'll happen when you least expect it" cliche

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by RahRahLM, Oct 14, 2015.

  1. RahRahLM

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So after quite a hiatus from here I decided to come back. Lacking in knowing anyone who is gay that I can relate to and the fact that the majority of people I know are in relationships coupled with the fact that I've had major ups and downs with things lately, I think I've needed to come back. So I've got a few things that's bothering me, one of which is this constant desire to find someone so I've broken it down. Here we go:

    1) desire to find someone
    I guess it's the fact that I want what other people have. I want that special someone, that experience, that love and everything that's comes with it. The problem lies in the fact that I can't see it happening, despite the old cliche advice I get on repeat and the fact that I can't see myself feeling like that about someone or someone about. I don't have a whole lot of confidence in myself.

    2) lack of confidence in myself
    When people say "learn to love yourself" all I hear is "learn to lie to yourself" I know I'm not good looking, just average at best, and I'm quite reserved and quiet. That's about all I can say. I'm just me, I'm not confidence in myself or how I look which probably makes me look like a needy, insecure person.

    3) I occasionally wanna have fun
    Back before I came out I dabbled in the old experimentation side of things. Met with a guy, ten or so years older who was very nice to me. No pressure and really if I only wanted to talk then we'd talk, obviously we did a bit more but I was under no pressure and he took time, knowing it was my first time and if I ever wanted to meet again then it would fine. Don't get me wrong it was nice but I'm one of those guys who wanted to meet a guy, close to my age then do that stuff, obviously that's ruined and every now and again I wanna meet up with him and do stuff but always cancel at last minute cuz I feel bad, but should I feel bad for it? It's natural right? Or is it just wrong?

    Any advice would be great or even just some insight
     
  2. robclem21

    Full Member

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    Unfortunately, a lot of times, our biggest barriers to happiness is actually ourselves. Now, I can't pretend to understand your situation or what things are like where you live, but I can tell you I have known many people who's only real challenge to finding a meaningful relationship was their inability to actually be proud of who they are.

    1) This is the hardest of the 3 to address because it is dependent on so many factors. It depends on what you do for fun (individual things vs. going out), depends on how outgoing/social you are, depends on the type of people you hang out around, depends on your independence and comfort letting something happen. It also depends on your willingness to accept love from someone and to believe when they say they are interested. This last part is where people say that confidence and loving yourself comes in. If you have already made the efforts to address the first part, chances are here is where your issue is.

    2) It is not about learning to love yourself or about lying to yourself. It is about being happy with who you are and realizing that even though you have flaws and aren't perfect, there are people out there who will love you for who you are (flaws and all). It isn't about thinking everything about you is amazing, because everyone has hundreds of things about themselves that they hate. Some people take a lot of effort to change the things they don't like (lose weight, buy new clothes, get a haircut, etc.), but those things aren't always possible for everyone. Therefore, what you need to do, is understand that there is someone that will love you for who you are and be confident that there are enough positive things about you (which everyone has 100%) to make you attractive to someone.

    3) There is nothing wrong with a little fun in my opinion. I think its natural to want that intimacy and companionship. If he is willing to hangout with you I dont think you have anything to feel bad about. I think almost all of us have been there at some point and it goes away after a while. If you are comfortable I say go for it.
     
  3. RahRahLM

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
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    Out to everyone
    Thanks for the reply. Lot to think about. You pointed out some interesting things in all my points. Much appreciated.