Hi… I just need to let go of a few things here, things that frustrate me and I'd like to shout into the world but I can't. I would like to shout them in the face of the girl I'm in love with but I don't have the guts. I'd like to shout, You're beautiful, and loads more. I'd like to shout, Just tell me, are you gay or not? Do you feel something for me? I don't know if we're friends. She's polish, has difficulties with the language, I sit next to her in recess, help her where I can, talk and laugh with her, help her with homework. I've realized I'll never end up in a relationship with her ever, but I still want us to be friends, to see her, but then, is it even fair towards her? Is it fair to hang around a person not because you want to be friends but because you're hopelessly attracted to her? Would I want a friend like that? Would you? Is it fair towards myself? It only harms me, I feel like punching things to pieces after talking with her, complain to myself that she's using me, she could ask me anything, I'd do it. :icon_sad: I don't know what to do. I can't bear the thought of not interacting with her in any way, even if it's just on a platonic base, but it'll only be harmful to both of us as long as I still have the speck of hope I can't get rid of. Thanks in advance, for any answer or comment, I'd greatly appreciate feeling supported and understood about this, I feel pretty bad, helpless and alone right now.
I know how you feel, not sure I have any helpful advice though but wanted you to know you aren't alone.
Thanks Linning. It means a lot to me not to feel as alone as I do know. I know there are lots of people with similar and worse problems, who understand, but sometimes everyday life gets the better of you and makes you forget.
I just do… Ok, I admit I don't know for sure that she's straight, I never asked, we never even touched the topic. But why should I suppose she's not? It would only bring up false hopes, know what I mean? I know this doesn't necessarily prove she's straight, but she's extremely feminine, she only ever wears skirts, I don't know if that's a Polish thing or if it's just her, and she has really long hair. Maybe to the hip. Why should she be gay? If she was, I might have a chance, I have the feeling she likes me, maybe thinks I'm a little weird, most people do. I'm a bit genderconfused, make that a lot, most mistake me for a male, even she did when we first met, but that doesn't seem to drive her away. But then, I don't want to read anything into her accepting me, she's probably just being nice.
Are you out, or is it safe for you to talk about with her? If she outed you, that would be bad. Your situation is a difficult one, and I know you don't want to lose a close friend. At some point you are either going to have to talk to her about your feelings, find someone else to direct your emotions on, or remain just friends. I don't know your exact situation, but usually dwelling on someone that you can't have leads to you getting hurt in the long term, although the conversation about your feelings could be a painful one, depending on her reaction. I don't know if it is safe to talk to her about it, and I don't know your exact situation. From her perspective you are a good friend, and yes you might hurt her if you talk about your feelings, but you are causing emotional distress for yourself by just being friends. If you are happy being just friends with her, and that is all that you want, then by all means, don't share your feelings. Remember that even if she doesn't turn out to be right for you, there will always be other people that you can find a relationship with. Again, all of this is just my opinion, so do what you think is best for your situation. I like being honest and open with my feelings when I can, but I know that it is important to protect yourself, and I have definitely had friends that I wished were more than friends, but left it at that because I knew that they were straight. Eventually I found others to focus my romantic attention and attraction on, and still remain good friends with those people. I guess what I am saying is try to read the situation, and do what you need to do to be happy. I hope this makes sense and helps you in some way.
Thanks for your advice, n3e, I understand what you mean. Currently I am out only to a few close people, but that's not the reason I'm not telling her. It wouldn't be too terrible if she did out me, because my friends and family are all very accepting of homosexuality. So I am not particularly scared of that, though it would be better if she didn't out me, because I feel that especially my parents deserve to hear it from me, at the right time. I'm more scared of her, worst of all, avoiding me and dropping all contact if I should tell her about how I feel. Yes, I know I have to decide whether I'm happy being friends with her or not. Thing is, I had decided to just be friends with her months ago, but it is so frustrating, and I'm really looking forward to the day when I'll just tell her, because it would relieve me so much, no matter how she reacts. On the other hand, I prefer being "just" friends with her to losing her altogether. That's my main conflict right now.
