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Boyfriend seems depressed and is pushing me away. Advice???

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Firephyz, Oct 14, 2015.

  1. Firephyz

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    Well, I started dating my boyfriend 2 months ago and it's sure been a roller coaster. We began talking on ****** and to my surprise he ended up being one of the most amazing persons I've ever met by far. Going into it, I guess I was the first person to really pursue a relationship with him and we both seemed to really like each other (I sure knew I did). The worst thing though that just compounds everything is the fact that I am going to college nearly 4 hours away :icon_sad: Because of that fact, I've only got to actually see him twice now (the worst torture ever).

    At first, we compensated for this by talking on the phone literally every single night for hours; we didn't want to and couldn't just simply say goodnight. He initially seemed very worried that I wasn't gonna like him (he was worried I wasn't gonna talk to him again the first night we talked and was worried that I wasn't gonna see him again the first time we saw each other. I assured him that I would not matter what). We found "our song", decided not to say "bye" but rather "talk to you later" and even traded each other a shirt of ours for when I left to college. In short, everything was absolutely great for the first month.

    As time progressed however, he began acting a little bit different. We had a brief period where we didn't talk as much and he mentioned how he "didn't want to get bored". He said that he feels like I'm always gonna like him (which seems to be pretty much true) and that he feels like he doesn't need to put much effort into us. He seemed disappointed in himself yet also honest.

    Shortly after, he lacked the money to pay for his phone so he said we wouldn't be able to talk for a little over a week until he got his check. He called me on his mom's phone twice at first but stopped doing that the last four days. It was after this point that the amount we talked and even messaged each other really decreased. I'd text and not get a reply for hours at first (we used to text each other back within 20 min it seemed). That delay in reply eventually increased to the point where I'll now send a goodnight text and not get a reply at all.

    Now, I've bee trying to look at things from his perspective to try to understand what's going on. I think that he may be depressed and that he's not quite sure how to deal with it. He's not quite sure what he's gonna do with his life, he feels like his parents think he is a failure and he recently had a huge breakup with a friend that he had for like 4 years.

    This all came to head last week when we were supposed to see each other again. I was heading back home near him for break, he was supposed to request off work and we were gonna go to a drive-in theater or something. Come last weekend however, he wasn't replying to me. He ended up texting me late Saturday and was slightly drunk. I guess for the past three days, he would drink every night. The text that he sent that night was very sincere but he put himself down numerous times. He mentioned how he thinks that I deserve a guy who actually pays attention to me and who can be closer. He's mentioned before how he thinks that "some people are just meant to be alone". He repeated that line that night. As a kid, he didn't have many friends and was bullied frequently apparently. As such, he says, he feels most comfortable alone with his books and tv shows.

    I directly asked him if he wanted this relationship because I honestly didn't know and I still don't know. He pretty much said that he doesn't know either; on one hand he wants to because he really does like me and on the other hand, he doesn't because he feels more comfortable alone.
    I ended up driving late that night to go see him and we just hung out and talked. We kissed and cuddled and was all soooo amazing. I left him a note before I left basically saying how he needs to stop second guessing himself and how he has the power to take control of his life. Now that I'm back in college though, he's not replying again. He's sent only one text and it was to say thank you for the note, he "really needed it".

    What should I do??? Does it sound like he is depressed and just needs some time alone to think and such? Does he really not like me and is he just afraid to say it? Should I still message him every other day or so despite not getting a reply? (I try to make myself not message him; I feel like I annoy him now or something; I have no idea). I just jump to conclusions so quickly and it would be nice to hear from some outside observers about the situation. Thank you so much guys, especially for reading my super long post if you did.
     
  2. Aspen

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    It sounds to me like he's having a rough time and might be pushing you away because that's easier than having to deal with a relationship. I found it a bit weird that he said he feels like you're always going to like him and he doesn't need to put much effort into the two of you. I guess it depends on whether he meant that he's not going to put much effort into the relationship or that he feels that you fit so well he doesn't need to.

    The best thing might be to ask him what would be the most helpful. Some people shut down when they're stressed and don't want to talk to anyone. Communication is much healthier. It's possible that you'll get an "I don't know" non-answer but opening the lines is a good start. Ask him if he'd like some space to figure things out.
     
  3. Firephyz

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    Thanks for your reply. I think I'll try not to contact him until Sunday some time, maybe give him some time to think about stuff. But yeah, I'll ask him what would be most helpful. He's said multiple times before that he always feels much better after talking with me. I just wish he would remember that. If even it's not with me, I wish I new that he was talking with someone about his worries.