I'm not sure if this is in the right section as it's my first time posting here but I need to talk to someone. Basically, I'm pretty sure I'm FtM, after quite a few months of thinking deeply and suddenly a lot of things in my life make a bit/lot more sense. I have sort of told my parents, not in the way I'd like (I was having a discussion with them after going to the doctors for depression and being prescribed antidepressants, and they asked if I had a 'sexuality issue' and I sort of told them about my feelings towards my gender, but they didn't really understand) but my mums burying her head in the sand and ignoring it, and my dad is a bit more understanding, but his opinions can change drastically, particularly when he's angry. No one at my 6th form knows, my best friend doesn't, no teachers, no one. Anyway, I planned on talking to the lady I see for councelling for depression every Wednesday, and possibly going back to the doctors early (supposed to be going back in a month), to talk to her about it, but I'm too scared to tell anyone else, without them bringing it up first, especially as I don't really know how I feel. I'm wondering if this is one of the main causes of my depression and anxiety and I've just been blocking it out. But something has happened and I now don't know what to do. A boy in my class who I've been talking with for about a month has said he wants to go out with me, and I said yes, as I didn't want to make him feel awkward. But, everytime I think about hugging or kissing or even holding hands or anything, I just freak out and constantly feel on the edge of a panic attack. I don't really know if I feel attraction to people, or just envy of male bodies. :/ I've never had a boyfriend, never even wanted one, but he asked me this yesterday and now I'm just freaking out ,without even seeing him in person as a 'boyfriend' yet. I've mentioned to my best friend abut getting my hair cut short, and she supports me, and she's said she'll go with me to try and find some boys jeans to fit me, but she doesn't know about my feelings, she just thinks I'm a tomboy. Also, if I got my hair cut, it's likely he would be weirded out and make everything more awkward, and the guys in the class would say something. I'm wondering if I should mention all this to my parents (but then I'd have to tell them about being asked out), or to my doctor, or just tell my friend but I'm worried everyone will hate me and I'll be left with no one. The only person I feel I could tell is the councellor, but I don't know where I'd go from there :/ I'm worried I'm not actually transgender and I'm just being stupid, but I don't know. He's said we can 'take things slow' but I just think I'll have a panic attack or something, just going in on Monday, in front of the entire class of guys and my friend. :icon_sad: I wish I'd just said stay friends or something. I don't know what to do, I just know I can't be someone's girlfriend. Please give me some advice :tears: Also I don't know if I should mention to my councillor about name (I like the name Tom) and pronouns and stuff, I just feel really horrible about everything. Help.
Take a deep breath and let's work this out. First of all congratulations on coming out to your parents, it may not seem successful to you but it's a HUGE step on your journey and a big burden you've gotten out of the way. Now I would start by fixing the situation with the said boyfriend. I would simply break up with him, you do not have to stay with him plus you both deserve to be happy so I would tell him something along the lines of '' I am sorry, I thought I was ready for a relationship but now realize I am not and I think we should stop it there. Hope you find the perfect girl for you. x " and get it over with. Then I would focus on my best friend. If she is your best friend then I am going to assume you have massive bond, something that should be strong enough for her not to freak out about your identity. She already seem pretty supportive about the whole hair and clothes thing so would give her some credits and share my thinks with her. It doesn't have to be said formally, you can just casually discuss how you feel and see what she says... if she feels bad about it then she probably not as good of a friend as you thought she was and then do you really have to care about what her thoughts on the matter are ? Now about your parents, since you've came out to them (kind of) I would just go on with the boy's clothes and haircut, eventually they'll get used to the idea and will stop digging their heads in the sand. Talking to a specialist though is a very good idea and I agree you should do it as being transexual is a LONG journey and not an easy one so you are going to need all the support you can possible get. Good luck and hopefully it helped a bit
