So I came out as Trans, and gay at the same time to my mother. She reacted like I told her I got knocked up and 3 month's pregnant with a child. (That's my way of saying she freaked out) But I want to move on like getting a boyish hair cut. I ask her, 'No' is her reply, she didn't look up the hair style, didn't say anything like, "I don't think you'll look good with that, how about this ____ one instead." Just 'No'. I'm stressing over it, because I've never been able to stand up to my family, no matter what, even over the littlest of things. I asked a friend what I should do, she said I should stand up to my mother, and say it to her face (Not though a letter like I normally do.) And say something to the effect of: "If you don't want me getting this hair cut then I get too get some shirts from the boy's area, or you can get me that school tablet (For homework but, you know, they're about $400 to $500 for a good one that could download all the apps I need for school) I've been wanting." Sadly last time I stood up for myself, when I came out to her, it ended up more stress then I could take and I had a panic attack (A small one) in my bed. I'm under her thumb and the stress has already made me have a panic attack at school. I'm not a very good talker, I do most things though letters or sticky notes. I really want her just to stop with all of this. Sometimes I wish I just kept it all bottled up and suffered in my mind. I really trusted her, she smashed that into little pieces. I don't know what to do, I really need help and I'm started to give up and give into her. I need to grow some back bone.
(&&&)(&&&)(&&&) The hugs you needed from your mum from another mum. I wish I could be some real tangible help to you. I really do. Ok...the haircut thing...could you get away with shorter hair? Then, as was suggested in another thread, go to a dodgy hairdresser and get a bad girl* haircut *translation a boy cut -and blame the hairdresser?
My hair is as short as she'll let me. Our hair dresser is the same one as my grandmother want to as a child, this lady had never once messed up. Ever. My mother doesn't take us, me and my brothers, to any other hair dresser. (Thanks for the hugs.) (*hug*)
I'm really sorry you are having such a hard time. It must have taken a lot of personal strength and courage to tell your mother about your sexuality and gender identity at the same time and her reaction seems to have knocked you right back, so I'll offer some virtual hugs too because it sounds like you need them. (*hug*) You didn't say when you told your mother.. was it recently? I only ask because she may still be struggling with her own thoughts and feelings about your sexuality/gender. In most cases our parents have absolutely no idea until we tell them, so it comes as a complete bombshell and leaves them reeling with shock. Some of the things your mother is going through are explained here: Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief If you can try to understand some of the parent/family stages it may help you to deal with your own feelings a little better in the short term. The fact that your mother is totally unwilling to consider the idea of a different hairstyle suggests that she is in denial or trying to deal with anger and I would urge you to avoid saying or doing anything to further provoke her, right now. I don't think your friend is right in telling you stand up to her while she is so trenchantly opposed to your suggestions. I know that might be hard for you, but it would be so much worse if you antagonise her at the moment. Given time, your mother might start to come round. One way of helping is to provide your mother with the contact details for PFLAG. If she is willing to check out their website or make contact with them it may help her to move through the parent/family stages quicker. Most parents do come round eventually and their first reaction doesn't end up being their final reaction, so don't lose hope altogether. While you are going through this tough time stay in touch with us and share how you are feeling. It's so much better than bottling things up.
Two months, it's been two months of struggle with her being like this. I've tried to get her to at least talk to me, or research any thing to do with LGBT, but in retaliation, she says the most hurtful things (note this IS very offensive) : "The LGBT group is like the Nazi party with their recruiting." "They just make it up, they want to be be unique" "It's a fad, look that the stats on their suicides." She said most of this in front of my whole family, my father being anti-anything LGBT agreed, being in front of the whole family I didn't say anything about it, but now that I think more and more about it I could say a whole lot of things about it that would shoot down any and all of the things she says. Plus she gets mad at me for the littlest of things now a days! Ok yes I understand my older brother had perfect A's in everything, but I'm not like him! She always compares me to my twin brother, who has an IEP that helps him in school, and my super smart college older brother. But I did get her too look around EC a bit, but now she's not even looking at me. All the little remarks she makes, every time she talks about me behind my back, it just makes everything worst. I trusted her, I thought we were always going to stick together, I guess her saying "I love you" has fine print. I now barely talk to her about my life, I write it all in a notebook I've hidden and and the first few pages as homework notes. I feel I can't talk to her at all.
May I suggest using the blog function on this site? You can set it as private if you need to, and it's a great place to get things out of your head. Are there any groups you can join, quietly, locally. Anyone you can talk to in the outside world? I wish I could be a real help to you. What you are going through is just not okay. The trouble is so many people fear what they dont understand, and Instead of trying to learn, they hide away in their fears. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? Wondering how long before you can get away from them?
Oh! I forgot there is a blog function here! That's a great Idea! Groups, no, I live off the beaten path up in the hills, and lets just say, not everyone here is a sweet as ice tea. So no, sadly. I'm 14, turning 15 in a few days, so three or so years. I do have two friends who know about me being trans, but one of them can't really help me because her family is really, really anti-anything that is different, but one is helping me with everything, she can't help too much however it is nice to just talk to someone. ^-^ I'll look around where I live and go to school to see if there are any groups I could join.
How old are you? Couldn't you go get the haircut by yourself? Or clothes? It all depends on the age... I'm sorry that she is stressing you out :/ Some parents are like that. Maybe avoiding conversations about this to her is the best. If you have any money, try getting the stuff you desire on your own D: Or iif you are old enough, getting a job to work for it helps to. I don't want you to keep fighting with your mother as some parents just don't understand
I'm 14 going on to 15, so I can't work. I never bring it up with her, she does it herself. If I buy anything I'm planning to wear outside of the house, it goes though her.
