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Another best friend scenario, but would really appreciate your advice.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by SRanon2000, Oct 19, 2015.

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  1. SRanon2000

    SRanon2000
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    Hi all,

    This is the first time I've ever posted in a forum like this, but it's come to a point where I really need some advice...and if I don't take some definitive action soon, I might find myself getting pretty depressed. It feels like I have no options but to 'suck it up', but appreciate some advice.

    I'm 28, female and to the majority of friends and family I'm straight. This isn't a lie, typically I date men but there's been a few occasions where I've had feelings for girls (one female relationship for a year), and this one I haven't been able to shake for the past 7 years.

    The feelings started in university, and when I told her that I'd had a female relationship, things became quite strange...she stayed over a lot, wanted film nights etc., but nothing ever happened. Then I think one night when I was really drunk, I came onto her and she massively backed off for the rest of the year (this is my number one sign that I need to just get over it). HOWEVER, I then moved away after uni and she started to keep in touch pretty regularly, with it ending up with her making more effort than any of my friends to come and see me (I lived quite far away). The visits were never that long though so there was never really an opportunity for my feelings to intensify.

    This year I moved with work and now we live in the same city. We speak to each other every day and she's engrained in every part of my life, there's no escaping it. I've dated guys here, but found it quite hard to commit because honestly I see that my loyalties lie with her. My question I keep coming back to is...can gut feelings really be that wrong? should two girls in their twenties have a relationship like we have? I don't have this with any of my other friends.

    Also as my friends don't know about me, plus are also very close friends with her, I don't feel like I can ask of them for help. I'm just left in this limbo of almost...waiting, until she gets a bf (help me move on) or I meet someone by chance.

    In terms of signs I've got from her....there has been nothing sexual at all, although she would admittedly say that she's quite prudish. She's increasingly getting more and more fascinated with feminism, and talks quite a lot about seeing a monk/guru to understand her feelings. She's fairly disconnected from her emotions, which makes me think that maybe she just doesn't understand them. If I was brutally honest, my only key signal is that typically I don't like people that are straight/don't like me back so there must be something there.

    Anyway, apologies for the ramble. So do I just tell her how I feel and risk losing 7 years of friendship, but at least then I have an answer? Or keep quiet...bearing in mind that it will be incredibly hard to distance myself from her.

    Appreciate the help xxx
     
    #1 SRanon2000, Oct 19, 2015
  2. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    It's entirely possible that she is suppressing her feelings as much as (if not more) than you.

    You became close after telling her about the female relationship and that closeness remained until you made a pass at her. I'm inclined to think she identified with you and wanted to be closer to help her figure out her own sexuality. At the moment you made the pass she wasn't ready or able to accept any of her own feelings (or the prudishness kicked in) and only realised what she might be losing when you moved away. Now you are living in the same city you are closer than ever to her and it sounds like you have a quasi relationship going on.

    As far as you are aware, has she ever dated or shown a real interest in the opposite sex? Have you ever asked her what she might look for in a man or woman? It might be a good idea to have such a conversation with her. Would you be honest if she turned the question around?

    If things have reached the point where you may become depressed it's a sign that you need to have a talk with her. Yes, there is a risk, but you can approach it in such a way that it needn't destroy your friendship. The greater risk is in doing nothing and experiencing real feelings of sadness and depression that may well harm your friendship.
     
    #2 PatrickUK, Oct 19, 2015
  3. Awoken

    Awoken
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    The only way you'll know is to tell her. I've liked loads of women I've thought were totally into me, and when I've told them that hasn't been the case at all. And vice versa, I've had friends tell me how they feel about me that I had no idea about. The only way you'll know and put your mind to rest is to tell her. My advice would be tell her in a way that isn't too intrusive. Tell her how you feel but reassure her that your core focus is the friendship. Make it known exactly how you feel but at the same time, don't expect her to respond in the same way. It's going to be scary, and it might hurt you. But take it from me (a lesbian who has liked about 7 straight girls in a row now) you'll never know until she tells you herself. Don't sit and overthink thinks because it'll drive you crazy. Honesty is the best policy. And obviously she isn't a raging homophobe because she accepted your relationship with another woman and is still your friend. Hope this helps :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Awoken, Oct 19, 2015
  4. SRanon2000

    SRanon2000
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    Both,

    Such great advice, and you're both absolutely right.

    PatrickUK what you said really resonated with me...obviously as it does have quite a positive spin on it. Either way, it's about her being ready and although I'm aware I can't wait around, I also don't want to force a situation on her either. She's doing a lot of soul searching at the moment, which may/may not be related so I think the best strategy for now will be wait and see where we are early next year. She's a smart girl so she thinks there might be something there she's not going to ignore it.

    To your question, she has had boyfriends but I've never seen her have strong feelings for any of them. They've typically finished due to her lack of interest, although again can't take that as a definite answer for anything.

    In terms of the depression, it's certainly not a long term solution but I've been to the gym a lot this week and I'm in a much better place. Always amazes me how my outlook changes after exercise. I'm just going to focus on being healthy and happy, and either that will attract her or will help me have the confidence to move onto someone else. Although if I did spiral again...Awoken I will definitely say something.

    Thanks again both - really appreciate it. Aware there's a lot of people that have these situations on here that need help, but it's been a great outlet. I'll keep you updated if that's ok?
     
    #4 SRanon2000, Oct 21, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2015
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