I need to get this of my chest.

Hey guys,

I had a really hard time with the thought of coming out. I isolated myself from friends and family and ran away from reality. I started to smoke weed a lot because it would clear my mind for a while. But that didn't fade away my problems. Before my isolation i had a friend that i'd like to call my best friend. I'm an introvert and most of the time he started the conversations. He started hanging out with other guys, which where the friends of my little brother. I was way too scared to text him because of the possibility to be rejected, but i'd overcome that and after that we met a few times. He mistakingly said my brothers name when he was talking to me and that really hurt me. I told him that i hated it that he's hanging out with my brother, and told me that i had to learn to talk to my brother, but later he said that he doesn't hang out that much with him. I slept at his that night and told him i was gay the morning after. He thought it was a joke, and i told him it was. I was crying the whole day after that because i was ashamed of myself. I texted him that it wasn't a joke, and that i like girls too (which i don't). He told me that he doesn't mind.

Week after that he threw a party and i wasn't invited, but my brother was. I asked why but he said that he didn't throw a party. I saw him later that night and wanted to talk to him but he rejected me unfriendly. I was really hurt and tried to contact him, and we met a few times. Eventually I told him that i was gay. I wasn't sure if he still wanted to be friends, or that he's just friendly and faking it. He made plans with me but canceled them, and told me he had to study, but he was just meeting up with other friends. I was hurt once again, and it just felt like he didn't care. He texted me, if i would like to chill, but i always rejected because of fear.

I told a few other friends i'm gay too, but that didn't go well either. So i was alone, and moved to berlin for and internship that's part of my study. That friend texted me once more if i wanted to hang out. I told him a was in Berlin. He acted all surprised but i knew he knew because of my brother. I told him he could come visit me if he wanted but he never did.

I gratulated him for his birthday a few months later and we had a really great talk, just like old times. Eventually i called my mother and she told me he and my brother are going to move in together and it just broke my heart. I cried all day of disappointment, anger and jealousy.

It's over a year ago since i came out to him. Last week we met by chance, he was with his friends and my brother. We just said hi, but that's it. And now it's just like one year ago. It's like our friendship never happened. I'm very depressed now. It's the first thing i wake up to, and the thing that's keeps me from sleeping. I check his online status like every half our and it hurts so bad that he has always the same last seen time like my brother.

I don't know what to do. Maybe i feel better if i told him how much this hurts, but he would just think that i have to move on, and it would be strange if i texted him out of the blue about this. I want to tell him in person, but i don't think the two of us will ever meet again. I really tried to move on, but how is that possible if he's so close to my brother now? I get headaches, and this is affects my whole life.

Thanks for reading. Here's a dancing banana(!)

Any reactions would be kind.

 

Thanks for the respones and love guys!

I'm back from Berlin now as my internship is over. I need to stay here till next May to finnish my study. After that i will move to a Bigger city to study again and make new friends. Thought of Amsterdam or Berlin. I had a great time there and being busy got my mind free from this.