1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Can't Move On

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Shadymist, Oct 21, 2015.

  1. Shadymist

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2015
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Nebraska
    I was into this girl for two years. Totally in love with her and saw us together long term. Just being around her was literally enough to make me feel content and happy. She filled me with so much joy. I never consciously accepted that I'm attracted to girls before meeting her, but soon afterwards, I knew it was fact. Last summer she found out my feelings and it eventually ruined our friendship. She was worried I was going to come onto her, so I ended up feeling alienated about it. I'm not in love with her anymore, but the memories of my feelings are stuck in my head. It's been almost a year since we stopped really being friends.

    Now I'm dating a guy who is really an amazing person. He's in love with me and would do anything for me. I know I'm fortunate to have found someone who loves me so much. But I can't forget how I felt for her. I have feelings for him, but they are "quieter" and "calmer" in my heart than how I felt for her. The feelings I had for her permeate my memory and leaves me feeling depressed and full of anxiety about whether I'm settling, since my feelings for other people have always been more subdued. I haven't felt an emotional connection so fulfilling with anyone else before or after her.

    I keep feeling trapped every time I begin a new relationship, because I don't feel as intensely about someone new as I did with her. And I was kind of spoiled with her, because my feelings were instantaneous and didn't have to develop over a long period of time. I guess I fear that if I don't feel more in the beginning of the relationship like I did with her, I might never develop feelings for a new person on that level and end up being unfulfilled in the relationship. I am also extremely anxious about the concept of breaking up with someone, so I do everything I can to avoid that. Even not entering a potential relationship out of fear of feeling trapped. Also, it's important to note that I never felt trapped this way before meeting her. It was only after having these feelings for her that I began to feel this way about relationships.

    I have a lot of guilt about feeling this way while I'm with him, and I want to learn how to let go of my feelings so I can move on and be content in my relationship with him.

    Empathetic advice would be amazing. Thank you guys.
     
    #1 Shadymist, Oct 21, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2015
  2. Aspen

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2014
    Messages:
    1,470
    Likes Received:
    239
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Remember that each relationship you have is different. You're with a new person and it's possible that you've changed with the passage of time as well. You might feel differently toward someone else than you did with the girl, but that doesn't mean you don't love them. First love is always special. Experiencing those feelings for the first time is tumultuous and exciting. Love can take time to develop; it doesn't always happen overnight.

    You may have to take some time away from relationships to focus on yourself and what you want from life and another person. This might sound strange but is it possible that you feel trapped because your feelings are returned? Sometimes that's scarier than just having feelings for someone who doesn't know. You don't want to risk having to hurt someone else if it doesn't work out.
     
  3. Shadymist

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2015
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Nebraska
    Yep, I do love him, it's just different than anything else I've had, including how I felt for her. I even had a relationship with another girl a few months after my best friend and I stopped talking. I was attracted to her as well, although not in love, and I ended up feeling trapped in that relationship just like I do now with my boyfriend. When she broke up with me, I was briefly disappointed, but actually relieved that the pressure of it possibly not being the right relationship was gone. I felt free. But I got together with my boyfriend soon after that breakup. I've seen being with him as a real chance to be with someone who really loves me how I deserve. But I still have all the fears of "What if it's not the right person? What if this isn't entirely what I need?"

    I think time away would be healthy for me. And there is no one else I want to be with besides him, I just feel so jumbled in my head. I don't want to hurt him in chaos of trying to figure myself out. I'm just scared that I'll lose him in time away. I guess what's meant to be, will be.

    And yeah, maybe it is kind of scary that someone loves me back. I haven't really had that before. I'm not sure what to do with it sometimes.
     
  4. Kaboom

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2015
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Southern US
    I know it took me at least a year to get over my first. I stayed single that whole time. I still had so many feelings for her even though it was over. I couldn't see myself with anyone else or feeling that way about someone again. It took time, but I eventually got over a lot of the things that held me back from really feeling something for someone.

    Have you really given yourself time to feel out all the emotions? You said you started seeing someone not long after you two stopped being friends. Then you got in a relationship with your boyfriend not long after the previous relationship ended.

    I agree with Aspen. You need some time to focus on yourself. It doesn't sound like you're completely over her/the situation. If you don't feel fulfilled in the relationship you're in, you should take some time to sort things out. It's not really fair to your boyfriend if he's only getting part of you and not all of you.
     
  5. Shadymist

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2015
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Nebraska
    I didn't really give myself time alone to heal. A few weeks after our friendship ended, I started spending pretty much everyday with him. I was lonely, and I missed having her to hang out with, and he was a good friend. He had already had feelings for me for 4 or 5 months at the time I lost my best friend, so when he and I started hanging out a lot, he was already asking me out and telling me I should be his girlfriend. It took about 8 months after that for me to say I would be with him.

    Honestly, the more pressure he's put on me to be with him, the more I've wanted to run away. I was afraid to get into a relationship with him because I wasn't sure how I felt exactly, and I didn't want to hurt him. He's been so enthusiastic and into me that he's known exactly what he wants with me since shortly after we met. It's just felt like too much pressure too early. I feel like I didn't even have a chance to naturally see where my feelings would go. I'm a people pleaser too, so hearing him say so much that I should be with him kind of wore me down.

    I definitely liked him as a person since we met, I just didn't know if there was more there. Now, I can say that I love and care about him, but I know I'm not in love with him. I wish I was. But thinking about him not being in my life is extremely painful. We've done so much together. Shared so much. I feel a deep sadness at the idea of losing him, even though I feel a sadness about losing her as well.

    He knows how all over the place my head and heart have been through the past year, and it's been hard on him. I would feel bad for bringing it up again. I already broke it off once with him for two months in the beginning of the year, so I could explore myself more.

    I don't get it. I'm terrified of losing him, but I'm terrified I won't figure out my feelings and stop feeling so all over the place too. I just wish I didn't feel so confused and lost.

    Bleh.
     
    #5 Shadymist, Oct 23, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2015
  6. Kaboom

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2015
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Southern US
    I don't know you personally, but I'll assume you're with him because you want to be with him. I'm sure you're not THAT much of a people pleaser. I do understand where you're coming from when it comes to that though. It sounds like you care a lot about him.

    He knows what he wants with you and how he feels about you. That's half of it. You're unsure of if/when you'll feel the same way about him. That must be hard. You can't manifest those feelings though. I'm not saying you couldn't ever be in love with him, but something is holding you back and it's not something he can fix. I think he probably thinks he can, but he can't.

    I know how it feels to love and care for someone and wish it could be more. I had to let that person go and it was very painful. I had to come to that realization on my own though and it was what was best for the both of us. I'm not saying that's what's best for you. I'm just letting you know I've been there, and if it comes to that, it does get better eventually.

    All you can do is give it some time. I understand you don't want to lose him. What happened when you broke it off for two months? What made you get back together with him?