I just felt the need to write everything I'm feeling down, forgive me if it goes astray. Basically I've been feeling extremely alone recently. I really really want a boyfriend, but I have self esteem/self love issues which, based on what I've read, basically means any relationship I happened to end up in would likely fail because I didn't love myself first. I have very supportive friends and I'm becoming more comfortable talking about my being gay with them, but at the end of the day I still feel all alone. I have 0 gay friends, so although my friends are supportive they can't really relate. And although I'm in college, I could count the number of out gay guys here on one hand (small campus, word gets around, everyone knows everyone to some extent). I appreciate my friends' company, but even when I'm hanging out with them I feel like the odd one out. I feel like I could just fade away and it wouldn't make much of a difference. I guess that's why I want a boyfriend so badly. I want someone who loves me, someone who wants to be with me and commit to me, someone I can give my love to and cuddle with at night. But I feel like having a boyfriend is impossible for me right now at this point in my life and that makes me even more depressed. I feel empty, like something is missing. But like I said before, even if I did get lucky enough to get a boyfriend I feel like it wouldn't work. I'm legitimately unattractive and don't blame guys for not taking an interest in me. I mean, who actually prioritizes personality over physical appeal? I don't even do that myself, I'm just as shallow as the next guy. I guess at the end of the day, I just want to feel loved and wanted. I feel like I could just lurk in the shadows and no one would even care that I was gone. I know this was all over the place and I still haven't said all I want to, but I can't even get through typing what I already have without being on the verge of tears. I tired of feeling all alone and feeling like no one cares and telling myself, somewhat delusionally, that it will get better. At this point, I genuinely feel that it won't get better but I'll get more skilled at just numbing myself to this emotional pain.
Man, I feel for you. That really sucks, to be stuck in that kind of situation. It's hard and yeah, it's a rut and it's hard to get out of it. Yes, you need to love yourself, but honestly, I've been with several people regardless of whether I loved myself or not (I'm only recently getting comfortable with myself). People will love you no matter. You can hate yourself, hurt yourself, all kinds of things, and the right people will love you anyway. To be on such a small campus...I would suggest trying to go somewhere bigger. Not to live, but maybe for a weekend or on a Break when you have time. That way you can try to find people who understand or just meet other people. Bigger cities are a lot different than closed off campuses. As for personality over physical appeal, yeah, people notice. However, the two things what you said made me think were: 1-if you don't love yourself, then maybe you aren't as bad looking as you think? Forgive me if I sound rude or offensive or whatever, but when you feel that strong negative emotion towards yourself, it skews your perception. It might be incorrect. You might look average or good or handsome, but you won't see that. 2-even though the physical is what people see first, they change their minds over time. I've done it. Other people have done it for me. Some people are saints and just don't care. Some do, but there's always someone out there who is going to look past your imperfections and see you. And it's difficult. It takes time. If you're lucky that wonderful man will just come out of nowhere. Maybe you'll have to search, maybe he'll be a transfer student, who knows? The point I guess I'm getting to is: Yes, it will get better. No, it won't be fast. It takes time. You're going to be sad for a while and lonely, but eventually (and that's the part I hate because I'm extremely impatient) you will be loved and cared for.
Thanks for your reply, it means a lot. I thought the same thing you did about having a skewed opinion about myself. So I downloaded T****r and made a profile hoping to get several matches to prove myself wrong, to prove that people ARE attracted to me. It backfired. After swiping through probably a hundred or more people and liking probably at least half just to increase my potential match pool, I only have a handful of matches, none of which ever replied to my messages. They didn't really have any interest in me, just swiping for the hell of it. So my plan to attempt to make me feel better about myself basically validated all of my negative thoughts toward myself. As far as location base, to make it clear, my campus is small but it's right outside of a city. There's no shortage of gay guys in the city, just on campus. I think at this point, I just want a boyfriend for the safety and security of knowing that I'm wanted. I don't truly feel wanted by anyone, only used. Right now, I feel alone and afraid and vulnerable. I need a boyfriend that can be my rock. And the fact that prospect seems far off in the distance makes me lose hope and feel even worse. I just feel broken. Which brings me to my next point. Any guy who would date me (for God only knows what reasons) would deserve more than I could bring to the table. I feel like I would only be taking from my boyfriend, unable to give much in return which would make him feel used, like I feel right now. I go out of my way to make people happy and avoid hurting them, and it would kill me to know that I caused my boyfriend such emotional pain by not being able to give anything in return when our relationship didn't work out. This is all just theoretical at this point, and I sound extremely pessimistic which I would probably own up to. I'm losing hope that a guy will ever love me unconditionally, and just writing those words makes my heart physically hurt. I think I'll just continue to build walls and learn to not rely on anyone else, because you CAN'T really rely on anyone else to be there when you need them, at least not for me.
Wow, yeah no I understand this. Not completely because I'm not you, but I've said really similar things to people. And it's not "extremely pessimistic". This is what you perceive as your reality and in that way it's valid. Never invalidate your feelings because someone else thinks it's stupid or doesn't understand. I didn't completely understand the first paragraph. Is that a dating service or something? As far as people not replying, on the internet people seem to take a long time. So, even though you may have messaged lots of people, depending on how long you waited to check for their replies, I'd keep in mind that it takes time (everything does) and that everyone has a life away from the keyboard so they may not have the time to reply. And personally, being the kind of person I am I don't trust the internet as much so it's possible they are waiting to make sure you're a real person and not some creepy computer virus. (Forgive me for my internet ignorance. I'm not tech savvy or smart). As for not deserving, again, I think he will see something different. I had a friend who was trying to explain this concept to me a while ago. He had an ex-girlfriend who hated herself and I tried to explain her thinking to him (she thought the same things you thought) and he was like "but I loved her! She may have had no confidence, didn't like herself but she was my girlfriend. I liked her laugh, her everything. I wanted to make her feel better, I wanted to make her loved. It didn't matter that she was constantly sad. I loved her and I still do. I can't forget her." So, even if you don't have much to "bring to the table", if he loves you he will love you. He will do his best to make you feel loved and yes, it makes you sad (I've been there and it hurts like hell) but then it's possible to have happy moments. You can make him smile, laugh. You can make his day, share your day, share his. You can hug him and he'll be happy too because even though you perceive it as you get something, he gets something too. Hugs, kisses, dates, time; you're not going to be the only one getting something out of this. He will be excited to be loved. ---------- Post added 25th Oct 2015 at 11:59 AM ---------- And if you feel used, stop trying to make everyone else happy and start making yourself happy!!! I know how that feels. I've spent most of my life creating my personality for other people, changing what I think so that others won't get angry with me and like me. When you start being yourself, start reaching for what you want instead of giving others what they want, it is the most liberating feeling. You will smile and laugh and it will be amazing. You need to give yourself the chance to be happy. And it's hard. It will take a long time, especially when you've lived so long working to make others happy, but it's what's best for you and that's just what you have to do.
Hi. I feel you. I can totally relate to your life. I'm also feeling the same way like you do. I've never had a boyfriend before too and I'm already 24 years old. It makes me feel sad and alone. I would say that I'm not ugly because many people are saying that I do have the looks and they're kinda disappointed because I'm gay. I'm not really attracted to girls so there's no chance that I would be dating a girl. I sometimes think that if I were straight, I would be in a relationship right now. It's hard to yearn for something that you don't know if it's going to happen. There are more straight people in our planet so there's a high chance that you would have a crush on a straight man. I'm also tired of having a crush on a straight guy because I know a straight guy only likes girl. When can I find the love of my life? I'm not getting younger and I'm kinda worried about my future. I don't want to die not having the chance to experience the love I'm yearning for. Sometimes I'm getting bitter and angry because I'm born gay. Nobody wants to be gay. We just feel this way. Hold on there, pal. It'll get better someday.
