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Coming out before sharing a bed in hotel room??

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by PatrickPH, Oct 26, 2015.

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  1. PatrickPH

    PatrickPH
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    Hi everyone! I would really appreciate your opinion on the following:

    My crush and I have planned to go to a convention together in January (1 day only). But since it takes place in another city 2 hours from where we live and it finishes late at night, we plan to stay there for the night and come back on the next day. Now at the hotel where it takes place, all rooms are 1 bed only… So to save on expenses (we pay for it), we booked only 1 room for the 2 of us.

    My problem is, he doesn’t know that I am gay and therefore doesn’t know that I have a crush on him (although I could be wrong and he may have guessed both of these things already…) Now I’m wondering, should I tell him that I am gay before we sleep (platonically of course) together? Would it be “dishonest” (or appear manipulative) not to tell him?? I’m 100% in the closet currently and would certainly prefer not having to come out. But supposing he’s straight and not interested, could he be mad at me if he learns later on that I am gay and didn’t tell him before we slept in the same bed?

    By the way, if that changes anything, I don’t know if he is straight, bi, or gay… He had a girlfriend of many years until June, but they separated (and he didn’t want to talk about it, so I don’t know why). I have recently been asked by a female coworker at work if he is gay because she apparently heard other coworkers talking about him and suspecting he was gay… (She asked me because I’m his closest friend at work) And if he is gay/bi, I don’t know if he is interested in me or not… (I see some signs that he could be, but I may just be imagining them!)

    P.S. My English is not so good, sorry for the poor syntax/mistakes!
     
    #1 PatrickPH, Oct 26, 2015
  2. Distant Echo

    Distant Echo
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    Honestly. If you are not planning on anything but platonic, I don't think it's an issue.
     
    #2 Distant Echo, Oct 26, 2015
  3. OnTheHighway

    OnTheHighway
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    Well, if you are actually interest to know if he is possibly gay or bi, and if you are looking to maybe engage with him on a more intimate basis, then having the discussion would definitely allow for those possibilities. Although, if he is straight, it could pose risks as well.
     
    #3 OnTheHighway, Oct 27, 2015
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    Difficult question. If you are certain you can be entirely professional and not stare, touch, or anything else that would make him remotely uncomfortable, then no need to tell him.

    The challenge is, when you are closeted, some people in that setting might have difficulty controlling their behaviors (looking inappropriately, finding excuses to touch. The fact you are even commenting that others have wondered if he's gay would indicate to me there's a part of you that hopes you might have an opportunity here, so I'd be very cautious

    You also realize one of you could sleep on the floor. I've done this a bunch of times in one-bed rooms.

    So there are lots of options.
     
    #4 Chip, Oct 27, 2015
  5. MrK21

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    Actually telling him after you share a bed with him might not be the worst idea. You can always cover your ass by saying I didn't want to sleep on the floor. If you didn't do anything but sleep he should not care.
     
    #5 MrK21, Oct 27, 2015
  6. PatrickPH

    PatrickPH
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    Thank you for your answers!

    Yes I know... I'm just not ready for that yet. :S But I know I'll have to do it eventually! I could consider telling him after we are back from the convention if everything goes well there...

    I don't think coming out would pose any risk since he is comfortable with gay people. The only risk I would see is if he figures out that I have a crush on him, then I don't know how it would go... and this is one of the reasons why I hesitate telling him anything... we see each other and have to interact everyday (or almost) at work!

    I just mentioned that to back up my point that I don't know his sexuality. By the way, isn't it weird that people think he is gay considering he had been in a straight relationship for many years??
    But yes of course I hope they are right! I really honestly won't do or try anything sexual with him there. Would just be too weird at work after that if we don't end up in a relationship...

    Oh no, we would just book another hotel room instead of sleeping on the floor... We both like our comfort too much, and we could afford 2 rooms without trouble.



    Any other opinion, just to confirm I am ok if I don't tell him ahead?
     
    #6 PatrickPH, Oct 27, 2015
  7. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    If he is friendly towards gay people and if you are confident that you can respect boundaries then I don't think you need to concern yourself too much. It's really not unusual for guys to share a bed and if he does later discover that you are gay, it shouldn't upset him if nothing actually happens.

    Of course, if he is gay himself you may need to prepare yourself in case he pushes your boundaries. How would you honestly feel if he made some kind of move on you?
     
    #7 PatrickUK, Oct 27, 2015
  8. Gleeko0

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    In a jokingly manner "what if I was gay? would you still sleep on the same bed with me?"

    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: crazy suggestions apart, I wouldn't tell it if I didn't plan on hoping for anything else. It doesn't change a thing.

    Its just a moral dilemma, you may feel you are "betraying" your friend by not telling him. But why? You don't pose a danger as long as you respect him, like you should probably do with anyone, gay, straight, or else.
     
    #8 Gleeko0, Oct 27, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2015
  9. PatrickPH

    PatrickPH
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    Thank you for answering, I appreciate your opinion! :slight_smile:

    Well I really don't know if he is gay, but he might since other people suspect and I have my doubts myself (although it's possibly just wishful thinking!).

    How would I feel if he made a move? Just extremely happy to know that he is interested in me also!! How would I react might be your question though? I don't know if I would do anything sexual... probably not, too fast for me. But I could tell him that I'm gay and interested in this case, and kissing would definitely be ok!
    Honestly, I really don't think he would make a move though. I am shy, and he is worse than me! That's why I think *I* will have to come out to him some day, otherwise nothing won't probably ever happen...

    It's exactly that! I don't want him to think afterwards that I betrayed his confidence by sleeping with him (of course, if ever he is interested, then it's not even a problem).

    Anyway, I think I will go with not telling him ahead then.
    If anyone has another opinion, please tell me! I still have 2 months to consider coming out if really necessary! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #9 PatrickPH, Oct 27, 2015
  10. Chip

    Chip
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    Actually, not at all. There are lots of people I've known for years that everybody on the planet knew were gay, but who either didn't know themselves (denial can be powerful) or were closed for years and in relationships with opposite-sex partners.

    It's kind of interesting how people convince themselves that no one knows and very often... Everyone knows or strongly suspects.
     
    #10 Chip, Oct 27, 2015
  11. PatrickPH

    PatrickPH
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    Yeah I understand that and agree! But he must really appear gay to them for whatever reason that I don't obviously see myself if they believe that... despite him being just recently out of a long-term straight relationship!

    Your last sentence makes me wonder if it applies to myself!! :icon_redf
     
    #11 PatrickPH, Oct 27, 2015
  12. Van

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    You say that he is fine with gay people, so I think it won't hurt if you tell him. And from what I gather you two are close, so maybe you should think about it. You gotta start from somewhere anyway. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: If you think he's a trustworthy person and you're comfortable with coming out to him, then do it. (*hug*)
     
    #12 Van, Oct 27, 2015
  13. SumitaSofat

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    If you are looking to maybe engage with him on a more intimate basis, then having the discussion would definitely allow for those possibilities.
     
    #13 SumitaSofat, Oct 27, 2015
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