Because right now it is the complete opposite. To sum things up: -Fell hard for best friend of 9 years. Never told her about my feelings, but I knew she was totally lgbt positive. -Been through so much with her, she was the light of my life, we chatted constantly and my father would always ask who I was texting with since I was smiling so much. She was my rock. -Hard time happened, could not speak to her for almost a year -She got a boyfriend during that time but not too much of a big deal, she still acted the same with me so it was all right. -Fast forward to late last year and she is still with him, (She has been with him for 4 years now) I come to terms that my chance to ever tell her my feelings for her has long since passed and that she and her boy will more than likely get married soon/eventually. -Feel absolutely horrible and depressed, and the depression gets too much for me so I gracefully break off our friendship and I have not spoken to her since. Now, funny thing is after that I was perfectly fine. A little sad and whatnot of course, but it passed. But now, well. Now it has just gotten ridiculous. Her favorite color reminds me of her. Her favorite pastries remind me of her. Her favorite fruit reminds me of her. Her favorite flower reminds me of her. And now I am even dreaming about her. It hurts. It hurts so much. She told me when we parted ways that I could always talk to her again if I ever needed her. I almost did it today, but I knew that the depression would return if we started talking again. I know in order to forget her I would need to get into a relationship with someone but my body dysmorphia is making it hard to even get into online dating. So until I get my self confidence, tell me, has anyone who has been in a similar situation as I have...well, has it gotten better? Or has it gotten worse?
The first thing I'm inclined to wonder is what happened at these two points you mention in your post - what happened around the time that you decided you couldn't tell her about your feelings and you started experiencing depressions, and then what happened around the time that you started thinking about her so much recently? It will get better, if you work at it, and if you let it. If you truly believe that you will never get so much as a chance to tell her how you feel, then there will be other people out there for you to meet. And there will be other things in your life to focus your attention on. The only thing is, you have to take those opportunities.
Ah gosh I feel so silly, thank you for asking, I forgot to clarify a bit and in turn I realized why all this is happening. But first, the first point: I have a tendancy to be possessive towards persons very close to me, and her even mentioning his name made me upset. The other reason I decided to end my friendship with her is because I believe a friend shouldn't be like that, envious and hateful for her significant other like I was. And although I never showed it, the feelings ate me up inside. As for the second point it was just me looking at what they had in bakeries, or looking at the flowers that my new neighbor decided to grow that brought up my memories of her. You see, I lived in the country and recently moved to a city where all of her favorite things stare at me behind store windows during my way to work. Cannot believe this last point completely slipped my mind. :') But I understand. I really, really need to get out there and start living for once. I can think so much clearer after getting a night's sleep as well. I know I can make this better, but those bittersweet memories will always be quite the hurdle for me.
