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Serious trust issues in relationship (desperate)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Gleeko0, Oct 27, 2015.

  1. Gleeko0

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    Hi, its been so long.

    I'm dating D. We have been together for 5 months so far. He is my first "boyfriend", I even know his family, really like them, and they like me. We have built so many great moments and things together, and I feel everything is just falling apart largely because of a very serious mistake I have committed.

    D has a few trust issues, I feel he never really fully trusted me. He had several betrayals by past boyfriends. I never bothered, I always tried to be as patient as I could even though I'm extremely territorial and individualist.

    Never cared about allowing him to check my phone (messages, facebook, etc), I admit that was one big mistake. That is personal, I shouldn't have let him in the first place. I never bothered to change the lock thought, as he had somehow figured it out weeks ago.

    Thing is; he did find a conversation I shouldn't have had with a friend, I really shouldn't. It was inappropriate, disrespectful, just plain dirty. I was the one to blame, I started it.

    D found that out after waiting me to sleep and sneaking up on my phone. I had asked him earlier that day to put it on charge, and I told him not to sneak up because it was personal, this in a fruitless attempt to draw a line between my individual part and our relationship.

    Of course, he didn't like what he found. It was very serious. And he felt deeply betrayed. so did I because he snook up on my things even after I told him no to. We had several conversations, in which we both agreed we didn't want to split up. He told me that despite that particular conversation and its contents, he still wanted to be with me.

    He later asked me to lock that particular person, we call it L, out of every communications mean. That person is physically very far away, so meeting is not possible. I told him several times that this wouldn't change a thing because its a matter between us, trusting each other, me not to have this kind of conversation with anyone, and him not needing to sneak up on my things. Locking this person, or anyone for this matter, doesn't guarantee that I will not do it again. I don't want to lock this person, despite what happened, its still someone important, and I committed to speaking about it and explaining everything, drawing a clear line of me as a friend, and me as something else which is not acceptable since I'm with D in a monogamous relationship.

    He forgives me but wants to amend this with "guarantees-based" control, and refuses to trust. Me, on the other hand, as long as he holds this position, I refuse to trust that he will keep his word about giving me my space and stop stalking me on every internet-based communication, even thought I know he still does it, he doesn't ask me what I am doing and with who I'm speaking. In change, I locked up my phone. I didn't not block L on "private" communication applications. Only facebook. I disabled facebook altogether. And I plan to continue speaking with L despite everything.

    This is killing me, because this doesn't sound like me. I shouldn't need to lock anyone out of my life on orders, no matter the mistake, let alone a mistake that was forgiven. I also shouldn't need to "hide" my stuff, I don't have anything to hide! The conversation I had was a mistake, an huge one, I regret it, every part of it. I didn't recognize it before, I was absolutely immature about it. But he won't accept to trust me, he wants control. Yet I still love D, and I want to be with him.

    Feels like we are trying to amend a mistake cutting both ends of the lace. Him not trusting me, and me not trusting him. This won't end well.

    In the middle of this, there is me, as an individual. I don't feel like myself anymore. I'm going completely against my principles. I just feel that I should end this :frowning2: even thought I love him.

    Please help :icon_sad::icon_sad::bang::bang::bang::bang:
     
    #1 Gleeko0, Oct 27, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2015
  2. PatrickUK

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    Trust is a big thing in a relationship; it's hard to build and easy to lose and you really didn't help matters by having an overly flirtatious conversation with your friend. You also sent out mixed signals to D by first allowing him to read your phone messages and Facebook posts and then telling him not to on the day in question. As it happens, he should have never contemplated reading your messages anyway, but you first allowed it and then didn't. In doing all of that, you aroused suspicion and played to his insecurity. I think you realise that you made some pretty big mistakes.

    Trust is a two way street though and your boyfriend needs to realise that, if he wants to have a healthy and mature relationship. He cannot reasonably expect a certain standard of behaviour from you [in order to provide him with trust] if he is failing to live up to the same standards himself. Snooping on your boyfriends private communications and stalking his online activity is not, by any definition a good way to promote trust in a relationship, nor is making demands. If he is still badly damaged by trust issues from the past he needs to work through all of that before embarking upon a new relationship with you and you may need to give him space to do just that.

    I don't think it would be a good idea to start giving in to demands now because it will set an unhealthy precedent for the future if you do and it may cost you too much in the long term. Yes, you may love D a lot, but you can love a person without loving their behaviour -- unfortunately behaviour counts for a lot in a relationship.

    It may be best to give D time to get over past relationship issues and deal with the lack of trust. At the same time you need to learn from your mistakes. A break from each other may be necessary, so you can pause, reflect and try to find a way forward. What do you think?