This isn't LGBT related but it really bugs me. I'm constantly worried that something bad is going to happen to my dad- especially that's he is going to die- even when it is unlikely. He's diabetic and his health has never been particularly great- he gets ill very often. Even when he just has a common cold or a cough, I go to bed worried that he is somehow going to die. A lot of the time, especially during when he has a cold or something, I keep on thinking that I'm going to walk into his room and find him dead. He's struggled a lot with depression my entire life which further adds to this anxiety. He's never particularly happy much and I remember resenting him sometimes as a child, wondering why I got stuck with the 'unhappy daddy' and why everyone else's dad seemed to want to have fun and go do fun stuff and was never tired. He and my mom divorced when I was 4. I was quite oblivious still as a kid but as I got older, I started to notice his depression a lot more. I was once going through some old boxes a couple of years ago after we had moved and I remember finding all these notebooks and sheets of paper where my dad had written about his depression and what had caused it and his feelings and I read through them all (these dated back to from when I was about age 4-8 or 9) and at that moment, I realized what the saying "ignorance is bliss" really meant. While reading all of this, it felt like the whole world stopped and like a brick had been dropped on my chest. I never told anyone I had found all of those papers. Even tho his depression was much better, it is still there. And ever since I found all of those, I've been worried that he would commit suicide or something even tho it's quite unlikely, I'm not as worried about it as I used to be but there is still that lingering anxiousness there. He just talks about death like its nothing, that it would be something that he would 'welcome'. What made all of this worse was that a few months after finding all of those papers, I was in another box and came across this letter that was to my step mom (from several years ago). I read just a few sentences really quickly and I thought it was a suicide note and I quickly stuffed it in a random box before I could read the rest. I still don't know whether that was a suicide not or just a heart full letter because I never managed to read the rest. He talks to me a lot about his depression but my younger sisters are pretty much clueless about it all. I'm just always worried about him, about him dying. Ever since I was a kid, I've always been very clingy towards him, he's always complaining about how I hold onto him so much it's as if I think 'he's going to get blown away by the wind'. I used to have nightmares a lot as a kid about bad things happening to him- him dying, him getting punched in the face, him going to jail and they were so bad I cried like crazy and I still remember them in detail today. I do love him a lot but I stil do resent him a lot, why I got stuck with him, and I'm jealous of everyone else's dads. I don't understand why he has to be so unhappy, why can't I just change the past and undo all those things that caused his depression?
