This is my first post here so I thought I'd start with the one thing that's been plaguing me for over a year now. I fell in love with a very close friend of mine a long while ago, I'll call her Lydia just to make this easier to understand. It looked really bleak at first. She used derogatory terms to refer to me. I was sure she'd suspected I was gay for a long time before we'd actually become friends, but she's never said anything. I haven't told anyone in my current town/school. Definitely not her. As time went on we became close and she stopped using those terms. She called me out and still does sometimes if she catches me looking at her for too long. She's not angry about it at all, she just doesn't seem to be able to say anything else but "Stop looking at me.". She always makes it really awkward, as if she's caught me naked. The past few months have been really tense. One of my friends came out as bisexual to us when the three of us were together. I was happy for her and so was Lydia but all it did was create this massive tension between us all - there was an elephant in the room but none of us knew what it was. The rest of the day was really awkward. Lydia wouldn't speak for a long time and became extremely reserved with us both. When my other friend left the room she sat in silence for a few seconds and then hugged me in such a strange and awkward way I pulled away. She tried again and this time I let her. I could hardly control my smiles and neither could she. It sounds so stupid but the tension between us was crazy. She keeps doing things like this whenever the three of us meet up, which is the only time I get to see her outside of class for complicated reasons. She cuddles into me when we're lying next to each other and lets me play with her hair, she holds my hands and touches my body when we hug. She spent a period of a few hours one night working her way up to kissing my face. She started kissing my hands, playing it off as sarcasm, then slowly worked her way up to kissing my forehead, then my cheek. It was almost as if she was testing me and she could see the reaction she was getting out of me. I asked her if she does this with everyone else and she nodded. My other friend laughed and said that she'd never done anything like that with her and the two of them had been close friends since birth. In class she does very similar things, just less affection. She'll touch my hands gently and smile at me awkwardly whenever we see each other. We're very sarcastic with each other and she'll say that she loves me amongst other suspicious things but in such a way that I can't tell if she's serious or not. It's almost as if she's permanently trying to hold back a smile when she sees me. She told me the other day that her sister was bisexual and that she was okay with people being gay, which flooded me with relief as I was worried she would absolutely despise me if I ever came out to her. I have the impression that her family is extremely homophobic. I don't know what Lydia's sexuality is. She hasn't dated anyone in the entire time I've known her. She talks about this boy band she likes and how attractive some of the male singers are but that's all I've ever witnessed when it comes to her sexuality. It's driving me insane. I keep coming home depressed and in tears after seeing her. I know the only way to find out is to tell her but I'm terrified this will ruin our friendship. I'm in a very small town. If she told anyone the whole place would find out. It's going to end up killing me. I'm absolutely petrified to come out to anyone, never mind the girl I'm in love with. Thank you for spending the time to read this.
You said she worked her way up to kissing your face that sounds like she's giving you a massive hint that she likes you., next time you're alone why not tell her your lesbian see what her reaction is. See if she still leans in and trys to kiss you or hugs you extra long. Why not take a chance what's the worse that could happen she's already said she's fine with GLBT people as her sister is bisexual you never know until you ask
I do need to ask her but I'm so scared to tell her I'm gay. I guess it's just overcoming the fear of actually doing it that's holding me back. I'm so unsure whether she's actually interested in me or not and I just don't want to be taking what she's doing the wrong way. I don't want to lose her as a friend.
