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Roommate's Family Thought We Were Dating

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lilla, Oct 30, 2015.

  1. lilla

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    So I'm wondering if any of you have been through a similar situation, or if you have advice for how to handle this... Here's the story:

    Earlier this fall I spent a few months living with a close friend from college (at her parents' house). Things were going really well -- my friend and I have similar introverted personalities so we got along really well, her parents liked me, and I was starting to settle into my new city. Everything seemed really great until a few weeks into my stay when I was invited to come along to a big family gathering. I went along, thinking it seemed normal and polite for me to be there since I was living long-term with the family and had been encouraged to attend. Anyway, while we were there, my friend mentioned that she felt shy and awkward mingling with all the people (there were lots of extended family/old family friends who she didn't know). I told her that was fine and she could hang out with me during the event, since I knew even less people than she did. Things seemed very normal during this time -- we hung out during the party, I met a lot of her family members, and I was under the impression that people knew I was just a roommate living with the family for a while.

    Anyway, I noticed that the day after the event my friend started getting really distant seemingly out of the blue. Whenever I sat down on the couch next to her she'd make excuses to leave, would give me weird looks if I entered a room that she was already in, would give me really short answers when I tried to talk to her, etc. We had been really close beforehand so it was very noticeable that she was trying to avoid me. After a few weeks of this I asked her what was up and she said something evasive about needing a lot of personal space. I pressed her a bit more, asking if there was anything specific that I could do to give her more space or to help her feel more comfortable with having me around. She responded by saying something vague about how it wasn't anything that I was doing, but just more the fact that I was around.

    This left me feeling really crummy because I was convinced I must have been doing something wrong, but I had no idea what I could do differently. I tried being out of the house more during the day, and when I was home I would try to stay alone in my room as much as possible so I wouldn't be imposing on the family. Even after a few weeks of me trying to "disappear," though, my friend was still avoiding me and generally seemed unhappy about me being around. I asked her a few more times what I could do differently but her answers were always really vague and empty. I eventually started feeling so confused and bad about myself that I had to move out because I couldn't stand being treated like that anymore. Before I left I told my friend that it didn't seem like she wanted me in the house anymore and how much it hurt to be given the cold shoulder with no explanation. She just shrugged in response and didn't really have anything to say.

    A little while after I moved out my roommate apparently talked to another friend about this. She told the friend that during the big family event I mentioned earlier, some of my roommate's family members had, for whatever reason, assumed we were dating. (We're just close friends and hadn't been doing anything other than probably standing close to each other/walking around together.) Anyway, I guess that really bothered her. I understand why my roommate would upset/embarrassed/etc. about the confusion... but I don't understand the magnitude of her reaction. I wasn't coming on to her, or being creepy, or really doing anything differently in the friendship as far as I can tell (and we've been friends for like 4 years...). So I don't understand how that comment would suddenly make her so deeply uncomfortable around me, or why she never brought it up to me.

    The whole situation has left me feeling really weird and I'm not sure where to go from here (if there's even anywhere to go). I don't think I can tell her that I know about the dating comment, because I don't want to put the friend who passed it along in an awkward position. I guess the best thing would be to just leave it to her to talk to me if she wants, and to try to move on... It's just hard because I really want to understand what happened and have some sort of closure. (And I wish I could have my friendship back to normal...)

    Anyway, if you have any advice I'd really appreciate it!
     
  2. Secrets5

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    Hello,

    Maybe you could talk to some of her family that you know and make it known to them that you're just good friends and not dating [or interested in dating] ?

    You could get a girlfriend and see if your girlfriend has a friend and you could go on a double date? So she knows that you're not in a relationship with her.
     
  3. lilla

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    @Secrets5, thank you. :slight_smile: I could probably talk to her parents about it... I think her parents at least know we were just friends -- they might be able to talk to her more and see what's going on, since she isn't really talking to me. (Her parents and I still talk, though, thankfully.)