My Feelings

I want to start this off with the fact that I do not talk about how I'm feeling. I never have, I usually bottle up my feelings and feak out over random insignificant things. Getting back to the point; I have this one friend who I am in love with. I live in a small town, not many LGBTs, it can be very isolating. We had been friends for two months when I started to get the feelings. To make things easier lets call her Alison.

She knew I was gay and she was perfectly ok with it, most of her friends were gay, we'd tease her about it. At first the feelings were small, but by the summer holidays they were unbearable. Luckily she went on holidays for the whole summer. By the time school was back my feelings were practically gone. That didn't last for long. A month into school, and me feelings were back and worse than ever. I'd get tingling feelings all over, my heart was beating a mile a minute and I couldn't make eye contact. And all this time she would go into great details about her relationships with boys.

About a month ago I couldn't take it any longer. I'd had these feelings for a friend before, we weren't as close. But it was always a schrodinger's cat situation, since she never told me the feelings weren't returned to me she was both madly in love with me and 100 percent straight. So finally I decided to tell Alison how I felt.

I had been complaining about headaches all that day, so I left the canteen to get some fresh air. After about ten minutes Alison came. She sat down beside me and started talking about some shit I can't remember to make me feel better or something. It may not seem like it, but I was quite spontanious. I had an overwhelming surge to say it so I did. There was an awkward silence, then after a few minutes she replied "I don't feel the same". I was kinda expecting that but it still stung, then she said "I hope you feel better now that you've told me" Which I found super condesending. It's what you tell a three year old after they've admitted to breaking a vase or something. I acknowledge that I put her in a tough position, but still.

Ever since that things have been weird between us. I feel numb all the time and she's started hanging out with an old friend of hers from primary school, who bullied me last year. And she is fully aware of the bullying. Shes acting like nothing is different, but it is. She won't spend time alone with me, ever! I just wnat her to feel the same, or act like nothing is different. This was the first time I've ever opened to someone about my feelings. And I get completely rejected, I'm sick of feeling numb.