Am I enough? Am I wrong? Is he manipulative?

CandyCutes · Nov 1, 2015

This involves a 'straight' relationship but I really just need someone to listen and finally help (I'll bold the important things so u don't have to read all of my crap ahaha)

I'm sixteen, and I've been homeschooled for two years. This year I thought I would switch it up and go back to public school for my own benefit. I mean, who wants to print their own diploma? How do I know I'm learning what I should be? Socialization is important too! So I decided to return into public school, and I love the decision I made. I have a 3.86 GPA and I feel much more confident in myself :icon_bigg

But of course being a teenager has it's annoying hiccups when it comes to liking people (edgy, I know lol). Thanks to a childhood friend I met a guy named Logan, which at first was only someone else to me. It's convenient to say that Logan lives with my friend (it's a looong story about his family and custody issues), and my friend lives right behind me. Literally. I can look out my back window and see into theirs. It's pretty funny

It took like a week of knowing him to realize I had a pretty big crush on him. And I was so MAD at myself, I said "why this? God knows I don't wanna date, I wanna focus on me and improving myself" but God was like "haha nope!" So now I like Logan.
October 2nd was homecoming, and I asked him and my childhood friend to come with me. They did, and it was a pretty good time! And when I came home that night, I texted Logan about it, and he told me about this one girl that kept trying to touch him. He hates that girl so much, haha. That conversation led to me admitting my crush to him, which he said he reciprocates the feeling. And long story short, we shared our first kiss a week later and things fell through, and we got each other

-But then the rest of October was full of pure bs-

Logan has been through some heavy stuff in his past that nobody deserves to go through, such as: his mom not having custody of him, anger/impulse issues, his grandma passing, almost getting shot, having someone break into his house while he was alone, etc etc. The list goes on forever but the point is that things have happened to where he is black and white. Yes or no, it is or it isn't. He's very concrete and unstable and insecure, and very VERY extreme.

He's infatuated over me, so of course he's gonna be all "Ohh I love you so much, we're together forever♥ I'll never leave you" and the thing is that I've matured out of that kind of stuff. I mean, I've accepted the possibility that he is a phase, I don't expect forever and ever, and I don't worry about it. But this is always an issue with him. He will say this almost every time we hang out: "Don't leave, don't leave!" and I will tell him "I'm not leaving, I got you!"

"So you'll never leave?"
"I got you!"
"Yeah, but you say right now..."

Do you understand what I'm trying to say? I want to enjoy what we've got in front of us, I am stable. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not planning to. But he's so worried about all of it ending someday. When he says "forever, I'm never leaving you", it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want ANYTHING to end, but I'm also not going to say it's NEVER going to. That's accepting ignorance on my part, that's screwing with inevitability. I wish he didn't feel so insecure, I'm not going anywhere! But no matter how much attention I give it feels synthetic to him. He obviously does not trust me, and that kills me.

Thanks to me (as he says), he's gotten back in touch with his sister, and because of that he's gotten back in touch with some friends through text. One of them is Isabella. To be honest I WANT to not be jealous, but it's like he's really close to her. He's told me how they've been close for two years, how they FaceTime and text all the time, how she makes him happy and all that. That's cool! I want him to have friends! But it's like he uses her as a weapon against me. "But it feels like Isabella doesn't disregard my feelings." "Isabella is always here for me, even when she has things to do. I'm her top priority." "I don't have to ask her if she's gonna leave." "Don't worry, I understand you're busy. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. It's okay, I got Isabella. I talk to her and eventually she makes me happy."

He's admitted to me that there was a point where he has feelings with her, but never acted upon them because he was 'done with dating'. But then he says he met me and I just clicked. But it doesn't add up. He's practically saying she makes him feel more secure, yet he wants to be with me. But why? I literally asked him "So does her personality make you happier? Does she make you feel more secure?" because I genuinely wanted to know what would be best for him. I said, "I care about you more than a romantic way, you shouldn't feel insecure like this. If she makes you comfortable, then why don't you be with her?" He was pissed

I am a convenience. I am easily accessible, I am easily manipulated. I give him all the love and attention I possibly can yet he doesn't see it as enough. Lately I have cried and made myself sick a lot because he compares me to this girl, and I want it to stop. I had a boyfriend four yrs ago that broke up with me because he felt like I didn't care enough about him, and I'm not ready for that to happen again. I want to fix my flaws. But at the same time I feel as if I'm not flawed in this department. Do people expect too much from me or am I shitty?? ? ?

He guilt trips, he compares, he throws himself under the bus, he makes me start arguments then acts oblivious to it. I'm not ignorant that what he's doing is wrong, but at the same time I don't want to call him off. Does he even know what he's doing? I'm not ready to give up his company. I don't know what I'm ready to do.
Logan probably knows that the way he talks about Isabella makes me upset but he doesn't stop comparing me to her. Logan probably knows that I don't say forever and ever, but he guilts me anyways. Logan probably knows that I'm giving all my energy and attention unhealthily to accommodate him, but it's still not enough to satisfy. What the fuck do I do. I'm ready to stop telling myself I wanna go to sleep for a long, long time.

Secrets5 · Nov 1, 2015

Hello,

The thing I say to people regardless of who they are in a relationship is, they're allowed to have other friends same-sex of their partners. It wouldn't be fair to try and stop their relationship.

Another thing, everyone has flaws, you fix one, and another one just seems to appear, it's a human thing.

Maybe ask him to stop the comparing? I mean, we all do it, so maybe he doesn't realize that he is. Perhaps take it from there.

loveislove01 · Nov 1, 2015

I've seen, in many teen relationships- actually, all relationships, that lack of honest communication has been the fatal flaw. You need to talk to him, and be honest with him. Without that, it is highly unlikely that things will improve.

In the first part, you mentioned how he is highly insecure, co-dependent, and has troubles trusting you.

Now, insecurities are perfectly normal and can be a cause of worry for all of us, but sometimes it can cross a line. You need to know when to be supportive and when to straight-up tell him to stop. You seem to be doing the right thing on how you handle his insecurities, and it shows that you are sensitive to his feelings but also not outright agreeing with him to make him happy. But if a certain thing makes you uncomfortable, then I think you should stop with it, and tell him.

His dependency on you is something that you both really need to talk about. It doesn't necessarily have to be unhealthy, but it most times is- and you should talk to him about it sooner than later, and make your feelings clear on his comments about forever: tell him what you wrote here-

'I don't want ANYTHING to end, but I'm also not going to say it's NEVER going to."

On the other side, he has gone through a lot of things that most people don't generally deal with. His focus on "forever", and issues with trust likely emerge from his family situation, which doesn't seem stable. He seems to be looking for stability in emotional connections, and due to past experiences, has trouble upholding that because he is too unstable himself, and being brought up without a nice family life can lead to his troubles with trusting anybody fully.

It might be cliche but it is kind of true: You can't truly love anybody until you can love yourself

Or somewhat love yourself, or go another step in the direction of self-acceptance.

Relationships where one person or all people are extremely unstable rarely turn out well, and there needs to be improvement (On mostly his side) to develop himself and be more trusting. Again, that's not simple because he does appear to struggle with depression.

Personally in this situation, I would talk to him, stick around, give him a bit of time, and space if needed, and see if there is any improvement in the self-love department.

Again, communication. It's not easy, but you will find it brings good results always.

As for Logan, does he have any help? (counseling, therapy..etc.?) It could be of some help but doesn't work for everybody. He does seem to have you and Isabella to rely on.

His communication with friends seems to be for good, overall, and it is amazing that you helped him remain in touch with people- I struggle with depression as well and I understand that it can keep me from wanting to talk to most people and get emotionally involved with anyone but a select few.

As for Isabella:
Yes, some jealousy is to be expected, but as with any emotion, too much of one can destroy you. You seem to be mature, and handle the jealousy fine.

Yes, he does seem to be slightly manipulative- but that could be unconsciously. That's besides the point, though. Manipulative-ness never leads to good things, and he does need to improve that.

It only gets worse if it's not nipped in the bud.

"Logan probably knows that the way he talks about Isabella makes me upset but he doesn't stop comparing me to her. Logan probably knows that I don't say forever and ever, but he guilts me anyways. Logan probably knows that I'm giving all my energy and attention unhealthily to accommodate him, but it's still not enough to satisfy. What the fuck do I do. I'm ready to stop telling myself I wanna go to sleep for a long, long time."

There is a lot of "probably" here. If you want the situation to improve, no matter what the result, you need to talk to him. You don't know if he is aware of any of this.
Please talk. It fixes so many things.

I know how it feels, I can speak from personal experience. I have a girlfriend, and we have been together under nine months. In my case, I'm the one who was manipulative. I struggle with depression, self doubts, lack of trust...basically, I can relate to your whole post- except I was on the other side of it. And I would have destroyed her if she didn't talk to me, and if I hadn't read up an article on emotional abuse. I was a bit more extreme than Logan, but I've stopped. I hurt her, and finally she just told me she was going to leave if I kept hurting her feelings. So I improved since then and this was 4-ish months ago, and now we are together happily. I still am depressed but have myself more under control. There's no clear-cut answer to what you should do, no. But do weigh the good, the bad, and the possible future outcomes (Can it improve?) and be honest with him. Just telling him most of what you told us will make a big difference.

I do hope things go well with you, or you both, but please don't get dragged down in the process. You are enough, and you're doing fine in the relationship. And if your last line-

"What the fuck do I do. I'm ready to stop telling myself I wanna go to sleep for a long, long time"

Implied suicidal thoughts, fantasies, depression, or anything of that sort, I would seriously reconsider your relationship. It's not healthy the way it is. You do need to talk to him, and see if it improves, and if not, leave. It'll be better for the both of you. I do sympathize with Logan, but it's getting unhealthy for you, mentally.

You are not "too shitty" at all. From what you've written, you seem like a really good girlfriend, and you are enough.

Please know that...

(*hug*)

Am I enough? Am I wrong? Is he manipulative?

CandyCutes
Regular Member

Secrets5
Full Member

loveislove01
Full Member

Am I enough? Am I wrong? Is he manipulative?

Thread Tools

CandyCutes Regular Member

Secrets5 Full Member

loveislove01 Full Member

CandyCutes
Regular Member

Secrets5
Full Member

loveislove01
Full Member