I'm afraid I'm in the doghouse with my gf. We've been together for 2 years, living together for 1yr. She's a stud and I'm a tomboyish femme. She's the first stud I've ever been with, and I'm in love with her. Very attracted to her style and mannerisms. She's very understanding of my style and my inbetween mind. Here's the issue. I offended her it seems when I expressed that after seeing her for the first time dressed as a femme on Halloween (we switched roles dressing up for a party) i was very turned on and attracted to her that way. I hadn't really thought about it but I realized at that time that I kinda miss the femininity of a woman. She has said how much fun it was to dress up as she used to be femme, and she felt pretty, but she felt uncomfortable at the same time. We went out, but she changed after we got to the party. I wanted to take her home and enjoy the role play, but I didn't push her. So when I brought it up again, asking if at some time she would want to dress up again, just for us in our private time, she shut down. She asked why, I answered that I found that I missed being with a femme..which she took as me wanting to be with my exes, that i wanted her to be something she's not, she'll never be able to give me what I want. I swear that's not what I meant, and apologized repeatedly for bad wording and being insensitive. I should have said its the feminine appearance that I miss. She dresses all masculine, but she's also very soft and acknowledges that she's a woman, so I'm not missing that.. I was simply attracted to the outer show that allowed me to see another side of her. Help me understand better why that hurt her so deeply. Please another point of view might help me make this right!!
Yeah. I'm new to all this. Why do we feel the need to catalogue what type of lesbian we are? Is it a control thing? Why can't we just be who we want to be that day? Tell her you love her, just as she is but you were struck by how beautiful she is too. You enjoyed seeing a different side to her. Ask her if she enjoyed seeing you dressed differently too. And give her hugs. Lots of them. Just hold her. And back to the other thing. How do we catalogue ourselves? I'm certainly not femme (yeah no), I'm not butch. I don't even know what stud is. Pretty sure I wouldn't be that either. I wear what I am comfortable wearing. Why should I catalogue myself? Why should any of us? Why should we need to restrict our expression like that? Or am I completely missing something here?
Thanks for that advice! Which is what I did, held her, tried to reassure her that I love her for who she is.. But things are pretty tense still. She says she'll never forget what I said..it's the missing femmes part that hurt her feelings. As far as the cataloging.. I completely agree. I'm going to change my outer wear depending on how i feel that day, but who I am, is who I am! I used to be caught up on the label, the roles, but all of that doesn't matter to me as much because I learned to accept myself. Now.. My gf os a little different. That's why this is all a little confusing for me.
Maybe it's a self confidence thing? Maybe that's why the cataloging? Part of putting up a front because others expect you to? Remind her that she is the same person, no matter how she dresses. They are just clothes, and when you are making love, they aren't there.
I think maybe it would help to remember that society also pressures women from early on to be super feminine and so it can just be hard to exist as a woman who isn't feminine, and then also to have someone you love sorta say that she likes you better when you look more like what society wants you to be, but you just aren't...Idk I see how that could be hurtful. Idk if this made any sense haha.
If it is her insecurity (jealousy) about your exes, now is the time to make her feel super special. Do something awesome for her to get her back on track. Something to show she is the only one. I would not press her into femininity till a lot later. Maybe some day you can role play, but for now, making her feel that she is the only one is the way to go.:icon_wink
