Need opinions on this

What make you think you have ?

The brain has a tendency to make selective memory and can easily wipe out memories that are related to some kind of trauma such as sexual assault as a cope out thing. Personally for me it has always been the opposite, I have lost most of my good childhood memories and only remember the bad moments ( which sucks) but what has happened to me doesn't make it a generality, I know many get post-traumatic memory loss so wouldn't be surprised if it had happened to you.

To be fair molestation claims are heavy so they have to be backed up by some facts as it can definitely ruin lives.

 

Well the thing is, all the things you have mentioned aren't actually proof nor do they give any evidence that such thing could have happened to you. A lot of people happen to be either sensitive, mentally ill (or both) without having been molested or sexually assaulted. It's also pretty common for women not to reach orgasm ( I think I have read somewhere that a ridiculous 80% of women will never manage to orgasm through penetration only, so that may be the reason for you). Your temporary asexuality could be due to a lot of things : hormones and drop in libido (pretty common for all of us) or, since you said you suffered some kind of mental illness, medicine-induced as a lot of medicine can impact someone's libido and sex drive, or maybe you simply don't have a high sex drive. There is nothing wrong with that.

Of course all of those things could be consequences of some kind of sexual abuse but they aren't proofs and without proof (as such) or memories of the event, nobody can affirm that you have ever been molested, and I am saying this as someone who have been molested. There is obviously no way for me to affirm that you haven't (and I don't pretend to) but there is also no way for me to say that you have, unless you have stronger evidences.

How was your dad with you ? Was he ever weird with you ? did he say stuff that sounded weird to you ? did he have gestures that made you feel uncomfortable ? Those are the things that you have to ask yourself because that's probably where the evidences lie.

sorry I can't be more helpful but like I said, those are big accusations and I don't know your father so it's a delicate subject.

 

I tend to agree with your therapist. It is possible for us to block off certain painful feelings and emotions, but most people who have been sexually abused tend to have vivid memories and flashbacks for months and years afterwards.

You say there could easily have been some touching that was inappropriate, but it doesn't sound like you are entirely certain about it. When you say there could have been, what exactly do mean by that... do you remember a specific incident, or time when something actually took place?

 

Well the playing game all naked is definitely odd (do you remember how old you were, what kind of game and when did it stop ? ) but I know some families are naturist or comfortable being naked around their children so the parents push their kids to live naked as well (without any perversion behind). Have you asked your mom about that ?

You said that he teased you he would get in the room when you changed but did he ever ? Someone that want to molest you will come in the room, pretend to be helping you out and molest you right there and then, he would not just tease to do it.
Also I tease my little brothers a lot that I'll get into the room or bathroom when they change or shower because I know it makes them freak and hide and I find it hilarious. I definitely do NOT want to molest them in anyway nor would I actually get in and watch them. I just find how shy they are about their body amusing and like to tease them about it. Maybe your father is the same ? The difference would be in whether or not he got into the room one day and whether or not he tried to be inappropriate at some point.


Early puberty isn't rare (it's actually becoming more frequent) as my grandma had her period at age 9 as well, I am pretty sure I had fantasies at age 10 and was discovering my body and so on, I too think it's pretty common and that tend to be why kids that age tend to try and want to experiment with other kids.

I am not trying to make excuses for your father or anything since as I said the playing naked was odd but there could be great explanation as well as very bad ones so I am trying to give you another perspective in case this one could fit.

Why do you feel now so obsessed over this though ? How would it change your life to know ? (just curious)

 

I think I know what you're going through. I feel like when I was younger, I may have been touched inappropriately, or did something inappropriate to another person. The feelings of molestation are there, but I can't quite summon the memories.

When I was younger, about... maybe 4 or 5, my dad had a family friend living with us. He was very nice and kind and he would take care of me all the time, but I can remember vaguely the feeling of being really physically close with him. And.. maybe some touching while we slept in bed... I don't know. I can't quite remember. It is frustrating.

 

Molesting means he touched you in places he shouldn't have, if you don't remember him doing that then that can't really be molesting. It's definitely odd but some parents don't have any problems with nudity around their children, I don't know, what did your therapist told you about that ?

 

The thing isn't about it would make sense if I was or not, that's too big of a thing, and unfortunately I think that unless you have concrete proof you can't actually accuse someone of such an act.

You can feel free to grief for that though if you really feel like it happened. But I think no one could ever tell you that X happened without having nothing to base their accusation on.

 

Truthfully, all parents make mistakes - but not all children develop mental illness.

That said, it sounds like it made you uncomfortable that you and your sister sat on your fathers lap while you were all naked. And that is significant, and you are allowed to be upset and uncomfortable about it, even though it may not have been molestation, per se. If it made you uncomfortable, it was still a boundary violation of some kind.

Did your father violate or ignore your person boundaries in other, non-sexual, ways?

 

To be clear, I mean did your father make you uncomfortable in other, non-sexual, ways?
These can also be emotional.

The reason I'm mentioning non-molestation things that made you feel uncomfortable is that parents can do things that are inappropriate that can be damaging without ever molesting you. My mother, for example, used to ask me you reassure her about her worth all the time when I was a young child, and it really screwed with my head, even though it was neither sexual abuse or overt emotional abuse. Not a prosecutable offense, by any means, but still something I had to work through with a counselor to overcome.

So, perhaps, even if your dad wasn't molesting you, he still may have frequently non-sexually touched you in ways that made you uncomfortable, maybe in ways that made you doubt your own body autonomy, and that created some issues for you and perhaps you need to work through.

At least something to consider.

 

I think you have every right to feel violated and angry about both the lap sitting and joking about coming into your room while changing. I'm sorry that he did that to you.