My girlfriend and I have been having issues for a while. A few months ago she told me I'm boring in bed and she has no interest in sex with me any more. As an asexual, I don't really mind the not having sex part too much, but I know my girlfriend does. She occasionally makes comments about how she can't have sex with me. Before we started dating I was up front and told her that I had never been in a relationship and had never had much of an interest in dating before I met her. She knew I had never had sex before and for the first 6 or 7 months things were fine between us. But now she says she is upset because I don't like doing the things that she likes doing (even though I still do them). I don't know what to do to fix things. I offer to do what she wants but she refuses because I'm not "into it" like she is (but what she likes is physically uncomfortable for me). I am worried that at some point she is just going to leave me because she isn't fulfilled. We have been together for over a year and living together for the last 3 months.
I don't really think this is something you can "fix". I don't think anything is broken. You are who you are. She is who she is. You haven't done anything wrong. She hasn't either. Maybe she will leave you, but maybe she wont. Either way, you'll both be unhappy together. And it's tough. You were honest and up front with her about yourself. She was accepting, but there's a difference between how she thought it would be and reality of the situation. Have you two talked about how you can make this work at this point? Do you like intimacy with her at all? Not just sex, but in general? You're ok with no sex, how ok with it is she? Doesn't sound like she's that ok with it. How important is sex for her? I'm assuming that she understands what asexuality is.
Honestly, being someone who loves sex, I don't think even I could handle a situation like this. Sex isn't just about feeling good. Sex is a physical and mental connection. So when she is having sex with you, and she sees that you aren't that into it, it must be very upsetting for her. Is there something wrong with you? Absolutely not. It's just that you two don't connect as much as you should. Maybe try talking to her. There is really nothing else that you can do. You don't like sex, and that's that. You seem to care a lot for her. But does she care that much for you? I would think that if you told her you're asexual in the beginning, she would have known what to expect.
I do enjoy intimacy with her. I love to hold hands, to cuddle, I like to spoon when we are in bed. I think in general I might be a little more affectionate, I'm the one who wants to cuddle while we watch TV or who wants to just hold her sometimes during the day. And as far as our sex life was, I was actually pretty happy with it. I liked the things we did and it was a huge step for me to feel connected enough to someone to be willing to do it and enjoy it. But I think the real issue is that I'm too "vanilla" for her. She wants to do things that either make me uncomfortable or are physically unpleasant (not intentionally hurting me or anything, my body just isn't down with what she wants to do). And I thought everything was fine until suddenly I was too boring and didn't do what she wanted and she had no desire to have sex with me any more. I've tried talking to her about it but her usual response is just that I don't like certain things so she doesn't want to do anything at all. I do so much for her and her child (I cook, clean, I watch her child about 90% of the time, I do the laundry and the shopping) and I guess it bothers me that I'm still not doing enough somehow. I feel inadequate even though sex had never been something I really felt like I needed to be integral to my relationship.
It sounds like you might be trying to do too much to make things work, and not getting enough back in return. I felt that way in a relationship I just recently ended. The weird thing is that I never thought I was asexual before and I enjoyed providing him with sexual gratification, but when it came to receiving sex acts from him I felt some kind of weird block that prevented me from climaxing and I was usually only able to climax if I masturbated myself off in his presence. It's not something that was ever fully addressed (we were only together for a couple months), but I knew that it was a problem for both of us that was not likely going to go away at any point in the near future. The sex issues, however, were separate from my general feeling of giving too much to the relationship and not getting enough in return. I hope you can figure out what works best for both of you. Relationships can be tough.... ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2015 at 03:08 PM ---------- I also preferred cuddling and things like that more than sex.
Well, now that you've elaborated a little more, it seems to me that your girlfriend is a bitch. I'm sorry to say that, but the fact that you're having sex with her, but that it's not enough, is pretty shitty. You even do things for her. It makes me wonder why she's even with you. Maybe she's using you?
I think you're right. I do feel a lot of the time like I'm doing so much, or too much, and that I'm not getting much in return. We had a discussion about that recently about how overwhelmed I feel with all this child care and house work and she promised to do more and aside from doing the dishes twice since she hasn't done much in the last month. But I know she's stressed from working part time and going to school but it's kind of like my own stress from working full time and going to grad school takes a backseat just like her own insistence that sex is boring and we shouldn't have it is more important than my acruay being intimate with her in ways I frankly would never be comfortable being with someone else. I love her and I want to make a life with her but when I feel like I'm running around taking care of everything and I'm still boring and not good enough in bed it frustrates me beyond belief.
There is a huge red flag here. If you aren't into it, then you don't need to do it. If she wants you to do it, and wants to "force you to enjoy it", then she is being extremely selfish. Did she try to talk to you about this, or did she just drop the bomb "you are boring", like it is your duty to solve the problem? Because it isn't. If, even if you are trying to please her, doing things that you don't like (and this is already a red flag), and even like this she isn't satisfied, then peraphs you should reconsider if this relationship is worth it. She being stressed isn't an excuse to do this, especially if she isn't trying to build the relationship together, and instead expects you to do everything. A relationship is built upon mutual collaboration, and if this isn't happening, then you should stop and think if the relationship is really being constructive, or if it has become destructive instead.
She didn't drop it on me. Over a month or two our sex life just sort of petered out. I would kind of joke that she must not find me attractive playfully, but she would always say she was tired and I would accept that because she had just started a new job and was going to school. I totally understood her being tired (and I didn't mind not having sex as often, or at all, it's not very important to me). But then, after I tried to initiate a few times with her, she finally said that she didn't like to have sex with me because I didn't want to do the things that she liked, and that doing the same things with me over and over was boring. And I guess I had known this was coming for a while, because she would try these things during sex and I would let her and she would get discouraged when I either made her stop because of the pain (it's nothing serious, I just can't handle any form of penetration, TMI sorry) or I just wouldn't get off on it like she did and I didn't try to hide it (sometimes I would pretend to be into it). It wasn't a sudden thing, but I guess it was a shocking thing? It surprised me and made me feel bad, because I had thought things were going relatively okay in terms of our sex life. Since then she hasn't asked me to do anything or tried to get me to do them. I think we maybe had sex like twice since February? But it was more her trying to make up to me after a fight or disagreement we had had the night before than I think it was her really genuinely wanting to have sex or being in the mood. She just seems to have no real interest in me any more, and it's probably shallow to think this but it just makes me feel unattractive and like we're just roommates who share a bed and cuddle. We don't even really kiss any more aside from some pecks on the lips when we come home or leave for work.
Sounds like it is time to move on. She is too selfish to attempt to work things out and only wants you to do things for her. I would let her go with a full heart and know that there is another Princess out there who will cherish you like you deserve. There are PLENTY of ways to work around differences in sex drives and such. She obviously wants you to do all the work. You deserve so much better.
This is a selfish and childish response. It's your body and your boundaries should be respected. I agree, it sounds like it's time to move on. You should not have to do anything that you're uncomfortable with—especially if it's causing you pain of any kind—under any circumstances. It is not at all okay of her to force the issue. In addition, you talked about her sharing more of the work around the house and, despite promising to do so, she hasn't. It sounds like you're both very busy people and stress is not an excuse. If you're really looking to make this work, you need to have a frank conversation with her. About how her refusal to have sex makes you feel, about sharing responsibilities, and just your relationship in general. Personally, I think you should consider ending it. You deserve someone who will respect you and won't hold your very valid personal choices against you.
Wow now that you've gone into more detail.... I would get out of that, really. And no such thing as TMI. Sex should be something you both enjoy. It's fun to spice things up, but if my lover wasn't feeling it, I wouldn't want to do it. I don't really understand her reasoning of wanting to do something to you that you don't want done/doesn't feel good to you. All of what you said doesn't make you ''bad'' in bed. She's the bad lover. She's lucky to have you. You do all that for her. You should find someone who will really appreciate all that, she doesn't. You deserve better. And on a bright side... If I met someone who wasn't into sex wanting to have any kind of sex with me, oh, I would be thrilled :lol:
