My boyfriend won't have sex with me...

Stop beating yourself up first of all. Im not a professional but come and go on top of questionable behavior with other guys behind your back doesn't sound healthy for you. The aggressive tendencies when drinking not good either. If possible try a serious talk and share feelings with him. Don't know the whole story but seems you have spent an awful lot of time, energy, and stress into something that should be natural and easy with someone that really loved and cared about you.

 

Hm. Well, reading your post, the possibilities that come to mind are:

a) He's not fully accepting of himself yet. You don't really say how experienced (or not) he is. Could it be that he's either still struggling to accept being 'not straight' or with actually having a relationship with someone vs just random hookups (which could take care of the urge, but then he gets to walk away and go back into semi-denial or the like - you always being there (literally or figuratively) prevents that).

b) He finds you emotionally attractive or otherwise wants a relationship with you - but isn't attracted to you sexually. This is NOT a reflection on you btw! It could be that he's really into the muscly, hairy guys you mention and that's just his preference, to the point where he's not into having sex with you although he still has romantic feelings for you. If that is the case, you should both consider moving on to people you can fully appreciate/will fully appreciate you as you are.

c) The drinking and anger thing is problematic. You should NEVER put up with someone being physically violent toward you. Whether that is stemming from him struggling to accept himself or some other issue he's having, he either needs to work it out - or you need to move on.

d) The looking at guys thing may or may not be an issue. It's one thing if that's just the type of porn or the like that he prefers even though he also likes you. It's another if he's not having sex with you and is trying to pick up people behind your back. That's very much not OK.

At the end of the day, you need to look out for your health, both emotional and physical. Don't let the fact that this guy is your first relationship compromise either of these things.

My 2c worth,

Todd

 

Brilliant insight and opinion AKTodd. Excellent response!

 

I'm sorry you are struggling with this relationship. It seems like a dysfunctional one in many ways, and I think AKTodd summaries the situation and the possibilities really well. (As usual, AKTodd, I'm always happy to read your comments and it's great that you have been around for a while).

I think you can try to reach out to him and discuss your needs, but it seems likely that he will not respond the way you'd like. At this point, it seems like you've tried your best already, and I think it's best to accept him and the relationship for what it is, however difficult it may be, and decide on how you'd like to proceed from there. I may be out of line to say this now, but it seems to me that you are better off without him, not just because of all the specific issues, but also for the way he addresses those issues with you. If you cannot communicate well, there really is no future.

 

Hrm. This behavior is sort of manipulative on his part. And if his response to being questioned (or you standing up for yourself in general) is to try to intimidate you - you need to run the other way as fast as possible.

Ultimately, it's your decision to make - but I don't think you should plan on waiting forever for him, or even leaving the time limit open ended. It's great that you have your first relationship, but...if that relationship is not meeting your needs, and involves the other person refusing to communicate, or worse - trying to intimidate you out of communicating when you try - it is not heading anywhere good and you need to be willing to cut your losses at some point and move on. There are lots of guys in the world and a whole bunch of them who will be happy to treat you much better than this.

I've never heard of this kind of thing, but then I'm not a medical professional. But let's run with this for a bit.

First and foremost, if he's apparently going out and trying to pick up people for sex on FB, he's getting some kind of pleasure out of it. So presumably the experience is not totally uncomfortable and painful.

Second, you say that he finds it painful to have his testicles touched - and that you have had sex but he doesn't want to now - and you mention that when you did have sex you did most of the work most of the time. Not to embarrass you, but when you say 'sex' are you talking about anal intercourse, or including anal intercourse in that, or doing other things (oral, mutual masturbation, etc.)?

The reason I ask is that, if his testicles are that sensitive, then anal might be rather hard for him. Whether topping or bottoming, the chance of his testicles getting moved around or impacted by something seems rather high. So, the act might make him very nervous so he doesn't enjoy it. That said, if this is the case, there are certainly other things you could be doing (oral, mutual masturbation) that still qualify as sex (although a significant number of people seem to fixate on intercourse alone when thinking 'sex'). While a certain amount of care would be needed to avoid touching his testicles, with practice and open communication, I would think you could both find a combination of activities that you would find satisfying. Including anal if you didn't mind using the right kind of toy.

It's possible that he is scared of the pain, but also embarrassed to not want to do 'real sex' and so is trying to avoid it (or discuss it). At least that is one (possibly overly charitable) interpretation of his behavior.

Ultimately, and as you have said, you need to sit down and have a talk with him. You sound like you are willing to stand by him to work this out - which is a credit to you. But ultimately, he has to be willing to work with you, and also treat you as an equal partner in the relationship - including sexually. If he won't (or can't) do that, you will need to make some decisions.

Hope this helps and best of luck to you.(*hug*)

Todd

 

Honestly, I think you should dump him and look for someone who is ready and willing to be a communicative equal partner in the relationship. You've tried hard, and you deserve better.

At the risk of being insensitive, DTMFA, as Dan Savage would say.