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How can I learn to move forward and start dating?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by LostLion, Nov 16, 2015.

  1. LostLion

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    Hey, been a while since I've posted on EC consistently...Need some help moving forward in my life.

    so I'm bisexual, lean towards guys, and I'm out to my close friends group here at college and most have been accepting and the rest have been tolerant or attempt to be cool w/ it.

    So, no bad experiences coming out...yet. I also had my first sexual encounter ever. It was with a guy, he was really hot, and we went all the way (sorry if this is TMI). It was ok, wasn't great, wasn't bad. I couldn't finish, though...most likely due to nervousness.

    He wanted to meet up more often and I think he was interested in dating, but I pretty much slammed the door on the last option. I said I'd hit him up soon, but never did.

    In that time I also talking to some girls, but those convos died out quickly. I feel like I have been having a difficult time getting with people or dating people because I'm still repressing myself.

    I'm not out to any of my family, or to my religious denomination. And even to my friends, I'm very hush hush about my sex life. I'm not going to lie, I'm ashamed of being bisexual and I don't know how to cross that hump .

    Coming out to my family and religious org is not an option atm, as they are homophobic, and I don't like talking to my friends about my sexuality. I'd do so occasionally, but it always gets awkward for a few minutes. Like they don't know if I am comfortable with talking about it.

    I think they all sense that I regret coming out and that I'm not comfortable.

    How do I break out of this mindset, if possible, and how can I get into the dating world, either gender, and function?
     
  2. AKTodd

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    Well, as a a starting point, can you articulate exactly why you are ashamed of being bisexual? In my experience, once you can quantify an idea or argument or position - you can more readily work to create arguments either for or (in this case) against it. You might lay these out for yourself and then develop arguments and reasons to knock down all the reasons for feeling ashamed of who you are. Or post them here and I'm sure a number of folks will line up to help you pulverize the little suckers:slight_smile:

    On a more general note, you might talk to a therapist or (if you are of a religious frame of mind) a pastor. Not all denominations are homophobic and I'm sure you could find someone who could speak to your concerns from a religious/spiritual direction if that is something that you feel would help. Both the Episcopal Church and the Unitarian Univeralists are generally very LGBT friendly. There are others as well that a bit of googling can turn up if you wish. While I realize that changing denominations is not a casual thing for someone who is religious, I'm sure either of these would welcome you in as a visitor and you might also meet some other LGBT folks there, with the potential for friendships or even dating/relationships.

    Moving (mostly) from the issue of self-acceptance to dating - you might see if there is an LGBT community center in your area, or a GSA on your campus, and pay them a visit. They should be able to point you toward a number of other local groups or activities such as sports leagues (rugby, softball, or flag football are the most common, but nearly every sport you can think of has some kind of LGBT league or team if you are in a large enough population center), charity and political action groups or activities, social groups, etc. You might also check out Meetup.com and see what LGBT groups are in your area. Depending on the size of the population, you might find everything from young singles groups to board game groups to hiking or biking groups, etc.

    The community center/GSA might also host various events such as movie nights, game nights, discussions, etc. You might attend or even volunteer to help out.

    If you get involved with any of these (or whatever else is out there), try to go into it with the goal of making friends and getting to know people (all kinds of people - the more types of LGBT people you meet, the more likely you are to start to see them as 'just people' and eventually 'my people') rather than just for potential dates. Once you get to know folks, either some of the people you know (or some of the people they know) may turn into potential dates. But a much larger number may turn into friends.

    Hope this helps and best of luck to you:slight_smile:

    Todd
     
  3. etcetera

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    Just to emphasise AKTodd's advice, I'd absolutely recommend getting involved with some sort of LGBT group. For me, it normalised being gay. Surrounding yourself with other queer people allows you to stop thinking you're the black sheep in the room, and kills those negative thought patterns that we're all susceptible to.

    As for everyone else, qui verra vivra. All you can do is change what you think of yourself.
     
    #3 etcetera, Nov 21, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2015