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When should I start feeling a spark?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by medic, Nov 18, 2015.

  1. medic

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    Hey guys. I posted about this guy during the period data was lost but this is a bit of an update.

    A few weeks ago I started dating him and it was the first time I'd ever dated (except for one girl in school who was going to "flick the switch".) Since, we've met up 4/5 times on our own and a few times with some of my friends from my university's LGBT society. We don't have any mutual friends as we met on a night out and spoke online afterwards. We've done walks, coffee, nights in watching movies and we've slept with each other twice now.

    This guy is extremely good looking. Lots of people tell me how attractive he is but I'm mostly over the feeling that he's probably better looking than me and am relatively confident. I'm attracted to him superficially and sex was good (I managed to bottom for the first time and he's very thoughtful.)

    The problem is I'm just not sure how much of a "spark" I feel with him. I'm not one to give up after meeting someone once so I've met him a few times but I don't long to see him and I've actively avoided meetups in the past with excuses - although only a few times. I feel a bit shit about this though because he seems nice (minus some slightly odd comments about race but I think that might be the language barrier as English is his second language.)

    I never get big crushes however so I'm not sure if it's just that I'm emotionally dead and I won't ever feel more than this. I know for a fact that my Dad is similar to me in this way and just drifted into his relationship with my mum rather than them falling desperately in love.

    He's nice and chatting to him is really easy which is nice. I'm just not sure how compatible we are. I know my friends will think I'm mad if I end things because he's so attractive but it all feels a bit superficial.

    How long should I date before deciding there's nothing there emotionally? I also kind of miss being single and the way that makes going out drinking fun... HELP.

    For context I'm 21 and he is 20.
     
    #1 medic, Nov 18, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2015
  2. hapa

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    Maybe you are just attracted to his looks rather than his personality? Don't feel that you have to be with someone.
     
    #2 hapa, Nov 18, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2015
  3. medic

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    But I don't understand why I wouldn't be attracted to his personality. It all feels really irrational.
     
  4. Sek

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    What are you comparing your feelings about him to? I don't want to make you doubt yourself if you don't feel attracted to him romantically, but it's important that your ideas of what you "should" be feeling aren't warped or unhealthy. I know you said it's your first time dating so I wouldn't want you to be comparing your feelings to your perceptions of relationships seen in the media or from friends who only give you half the story.

    That being said, it is important that you listen to your gut. Follow what you feel, if something is missing then you should keep that in mind when deciding to have sex or go on dates with him.
     
  5. YeahpIdk

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    You really don't seem that into him, and that's fine, especially for your age. I would tell him how you feel, that you like him, but maybe aren't into a full blown commitment at the moment and don't want to hurt him, so would like it to be more casual. You need to date around more, that's why you're questioning it so much.

    You'll know what it means to truly like someone when you feel it. And don't think things about being dead inside. Have you ever really really liked someone? If not, date around and pay attention to your feelings. It seems like you already do that, so realize that this right here isn't what you feel when you're into someone. This is more indifference than anything else.
     
  6. KaySee

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    Maybe you are just sexually/aesthetically attracted. Everyone feels different and takes things at their own pace emotionally. You can't force emotions. Besides, you could be emotionally attracted to him, just not romantically.

    For some people it can take time to feel romantic attraction, which is not bad. If you don't believe you are romantically attracted to him and that it affects your relationship negatively, then I think you should consider breaking things off.