Like all of my posts here, this is gonna be a random rant of various things. I apologize for the ambiguity in advance. So I recently met a guy who is a senior in college (I'm a freshman myself). We hit it off and he actually found me attractive, something that really boosted my self esteem. We went on a date (he invited me, drove us there, and paid) and I generally had a good time. But that's where my problems arise. Looking back on the whole experience, I hate myself for everything I'm about to say. He's not definitively masculine or feminine acting, but he definitely has a more feminine persona than masculine persona. I THOUGHT I was fine with that, and generally I don't give a **** if someone is masc or fem. But the entire time we were on the date at this little brunch cafe, all I could think was that everyone was watching us and listening to our conversation and knew we were gay and together because he wasn't covering his identity. I instantly became paranoid. I've been trying to avoid him ever since, again, something I hate myself for. I told him I didn't want a relationship but I wanted to be friends. He agreed, but said he was open to something more. The bottom line is, even though I said I wanted to be friends, I'm avoiding hanging out with him because I'm ashamed. I fear being associated with someone who's easy to "read" as gay and people thinking we're a couple. It breaks my heart because he is such a nice guy. I truly don't want to be anything more than friends with him though, but I can't even do that because of all my hangups. I'm out to my parents and all of my friends, and I have plenty of support from my friend group, so I don't know why I'm struggling with this. I feel so petty and shallow and bitter because of this.
You're not shallow. I had a pretty good ''coming out'' experience. My family was very accepting along with my friends. It didn't start out as "out and proud". I felt kinda exposed. It's really hard to describe. I felt kind of like a fish in a fish bowl and everyone was poking at the glass. I had this great feeling of being free yet I felt very defined. There was this huge part of me that I kept to myself that I was now very open with. It was quite a bit to take in. Those feelings eventually went away completely. I am very out and proud now. I love it. This isn't the same situation as you BUT.... my best friend is a guy and most people would assume we were a couple. Anytime we were out, it was just an assumption that we were dating because he's a guy and I am a girl. It bothered me a lot. It bothered me to the point that I almost resented us being friends. Looking back, I feel silly about it. I can't help that that's the way I felt though. The thing is.... nobody is listening to your conversation. You're not that important lol. Really. It doesn't matter what they may or may not think. You don't know those people. You're enjoying lunch with a friend. If you really don't want to be more than friends, it's great that you were up front about that. Don't let your ''hangups'' mess up a friendship. You want to go and have lunch with him, do it. No one else cares you just think they do. ---------- Post added 18th Nov 2015 at 08:14 PM ---------- Oh and a quote that I like a lot and I think fits... "those who mind, don't matter. Those who matter, don't mind." Get out of your head a little and just enjoy life.
