Hi. So, about myself: when I was a teenager, I considered the strong possibility of being transsexual, so after school in the evenings I sneaked off to support groups, met transexuals in nearby cities to learn and find out more. In the end though, I came to the conclusion that all in all I'm ok with the body I was born with. If there'd be some sort of instant way to switch genders, I'd do it, but the way it is, I'm also ok with it. I came to the conclusion that I consider myself being somewhere between 30% and 40% female and the rest male, something like that. So, that about me. In matters of lonelyness: I'm not really lonely. I have a large circle of friends, and several of those are very very good friends. But where I am rich in friends, I lack a partner. I've had several partners in my life. My first girlfriend couldn't stand it when I'd quit the classical gender roles, so our relationship lasted only a little more than a year. Then I had several relationships where that didn't really play a big role. Then I had a very short relationship with someone who loved that aspect of me. She really loved it. And she loved me. But she was already in a relationship, and I was at that time, I assume due to bullying at school when I was young, quite social phobic and had slight depressions, so things didn't end well there. My last relationship ended about two years ago and lasted for about a year. She and I are still good friends, and while we live in different cities, we meet every now and then on certain events, like festivals, or just when she is in the area. Then she also stays at my place and we have a good time. In matters of gender roles: she didn't really care. Most of the time it didn't matter to her (which was in general good enough for me), while sometimes she liked it a lot. I never had a lot of requirements in matters of a partner. What I learned though is, that somebody on the opposite scale of genders, if I may say so, seems to fit best. So if I'm a guy who is mostly fine with being a guy, but absolutely hates gender roles and likes to break out of them every so often, then somebody who feels the way, from the other side, would be best. Of course, this is only one aspect of a persons personality, but still... The problem is, this is not something you can see. I mean, let's say that a person who is very tall, for the sake of picking something random, would fit to me, then I could just run around, looking for people who seem to be nice and are tall. It's something you can see. Something obvious. But finding a woman who is slightly towards androgynity is something you can't see. Of course, as said, this is only one aspect that defines a person. One of many. But it's an important one, for me. And so it's really depressing for me to think that it's near impossible to find somebody. Most of the time I don't really care about that. I have a full time job that keeps my mind busy, I have a lot of friends and some very close ones, who love it when I spend time with them. So often enough, I don't think about that. But every now and then, something makes me realize that I miss that one person who loves me. And that then hurts badly. I know that by tomorrow things will be different again. But even though friends and family and job and coworkers and all that distract me from such dark thoughts and sad moods... Years pass. And I'm getting older. And the older I get, the slimmer the chance is to still find somebody. And while I can live and enjoy my life, there are these moments when I suddenly realize what I miss so much, and those moments then hurt. So... I just wanted to share that. I know that a lot of people have a life more difficult than mine. I'm not seriously ill, and while I'm not rich I also have no debts. I live in a great city, have friends, a family in another city that loves me, and my job is good too. How could I complain? But when I switch off the computer, and the humming stops, the screens go dark. When only the faint noise from the street reaches me. When there is a moment where I cross the bridge from the distraction of the internet to the one of books and quickly following that of dreams... It's the moment when such distractions fall away. When I realize it's just me. Sitting there on a chair, alone in my flat. I like the flat, I'm surrounded by fern and vines, by board games and books and presents friends made over the course of the years... But still, there I am, all by myself. Without anyone I could care for. Without somebody to love, or who loves me. And I feel like I'm bursting with feelings of affection without a way to express it or somebody to direct them at. And then I just hop into my bed, that is a bit too large for one person, and I fetch the next book and read, and then my thoughts are in the world the book describes, and my sadness vanishes. And once I'm tired enough, I use one advantage of my male body that allows me to pleasantly knock myself instantly into sleep. And when I wake up the next morning, I'm too busy with getting read for work. And I will feel ok, because I have no time anymore for such thoughts. But some days later, or sometimes weeks or months, those feelings of lonelyness will creep up on me again like a stealthy predator sneaking up on prey.
